Don't you think that after 2.5 years my bf should be comfortable around my daughter by now??

Question

I have a 4 year old daughter and it seems like the closer me and my boyfriend get, the farther away from my daughter he gets. He was SO good with her in the beginning of our relationship and she loves him to death but as time goes on he seems more and more uncomfortable around her. Like she goes to kiss him on the cheek and he tells her that she can't and he actually mentioned one time that he likes it when we go home after a few hours of the 3 of us. Since he said that, it made me pulll back from him 10 folds.We had just gotten a joint savings account to save for a wedding in the future and then he pulls this out. He also said that he is NOT ready to raise a kid anytime soon, but never wants to break up cuz he loves me too much. I feel like he loves me but is not taking to my daughter the way I think he should by now. Am I rushing things or do you agree? I don't need to get married today or tomorrow but he said he didn't see himself being a dad even in the next few years, but.....

..we are both almost 30 and I'm thinkin that's a long time. He also is an accountant making great money but refuses to move out cuz he sadi that he likes his parents. (His dad does his laundry)I think he just doesn't want any responsibility so why bother, but I want more in my life. Should I wait for him and let him get used to things and grow up more or move on?? I DO love him very much he does EVERYTHING for me, but doesn't include my daughter in the picture. (she's not a naughty girl either) What do you think?

Answer 1

I agree with you. Clearly he has a responsibility phobia if he's 30 and still lives with his parents. I think you need to go to him and have a serious talk. Tell him everything that you're feeling. Tell him that you're upset that he doesn't care for your daughter the way he should after so much time being together, and that you need him to be there for her, etc. Just be completely and brutally honest with him. If after he hears what you have to say, and he's had some time to think about and he still feels the same way, then I think it's time to move on. You (and your daughter) deserve only the best and should never have to settle. I know you love him but he doesn't truly love you if he's not willing to love your daughter and the life you want to create with him.

Answer 2

Let's talk about it...
What a tough situation to be in!! Of course you love your boyfriend, but most importantly you love your daughter. Your daughter, and the relationship the two of you share is MOST important. After two and a half years with a person you would think that they would become quite comfortable in that situation. You are instinctively right in re-thinking the situation. While I am in no way suggesting that you leave your boyfriend due to this, I undoubtedly think that it is a situation that WILL make or break the relationship ultimately and is something that must be dealt with as soon as possible. Your daughter is four, she is your responsibility and if the two of you are married, then she too becomes his responsibility as well. These are not things that should be "brushed under the rug" so-to-speak. The two of you need to sit down and seriously look at the situation. Examine your relationship, you and your daughters relationship, and then ask him about his perception of your daughter and his feelings towards her and taking the responsibility of having an active role in her life. If I were you, I would give him the ultimatum that if this is not something he is willing to do (cohesively raise a child with you) then it is best you reconsider this relationship. Be prepared for this to be these circumstances, but do not approach it from a negative stand point. Also, consider why he may feel this way. How old is he? What is his relationship with his family? Does he have younger siblings? Is he a jealous individual and possibly feel threatened by your affection and love for your child? Or possibly stemming from a committment fear? These are all things that no one can answer but yourself. You know in your heart what is the right thing for you and your daughter. It may not be easy to accept or even see. But take the time, really think everything through, and talk to him about it. Communication is key in any working relationship. Ultimately, do not forget your daughter. Ask her how she feels towards him? Do they play well and interact together? Has she ever came to you and said anything about him that you feel was out of discomfort? Just some suggestions and things to think about!! Hope this helps! Good Luck!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Answer 3

Maybe he's just not ready to make any commitment -- period! The idea of ready-made fatherhood may not appeal to him, and maybe he feels inadequate to take on those responsibilities. Most men are not eager to raise another man's child, no matter how much he may love the child's mother. I guess patience might help. Don't put too much pressure on him, and maybe he'll come around. He may not see himself in the role of dad right now, but he could change his mind. If things don't work out, don't despair. You have to think of your child first. You wouldn't want her to have a man for a father that doesn't love her. When a man marries a woman with a child, he has to accept the fact that it's a package deal, and if he doesn't, he's not the right one for either the mom or the child.

Answer 4

Has something else happened in your relationship or in his life that's caused this change? Maybe this is just a case of cold feet and he's pulling back a bit because he's scared of being a dad and worried about being able to provide for you.

If he seems to have feelings for you still and you still like him, then continue dating for a while to see if he changes his mind. Just don't move him in with you as long as he's ambivilant about your child. Don't be afraid to trust your instincts where your child is concerned, if this relationship doesn't feel right any more then go ahead and move on.

I just think you may need to spend a little more time talking to him about this, there is something odd or missing from this story...

edit: Whoa! Just saw the add on. He's a mommy and daddy's boy not a grown man. He's not moving out of the parents' home until they throw him out. Move on!

Answer 5

Mother_Amethyst has raised a good point.
Folks who have sexual issues with kids in any context will always raise red flags. Even the first time offender getting ready to offend a child has red flags.

You were right to obey your instincts. Look into his background and do it quickly. Maybe he has a DCFS background that was not sexual in nature, but was enough of a bad experience for him to think back and do something like this.

If he has no risk factors for any of this, maybe he has realized that he cares about your daughter, loves you, but just isn't ready for fatherhood yet. He may have cold feet, it could be something normal too. Talk to your daughter about their relationship, see what she notices.

Maybe it's just time to re-evaluate things...but don't jump the gun either.

Answer 6

Think long and hard on your question. He may have thought it was nice to have the youngster around at first. When you got closer then he may have asked himself if he wanted to raise some one else's child. Before he was able to "play" at being husband and dad, but now the reality has set in.

This dangerous for you and your daughter. Keep close watch to see if he has come around to living with you AND your child. I would have real doubts at this time. Good Luck

Answer 7

He has made himself perfectly clear. He isn't interested in being a father, to your daughter or to any future children. You now have a tough decision to make.
I'd also wonder if he has sexual issues about children. What do you know about his background?
Think very hard about this, because if you make a mistake, it's your daughter who will be harmed the most. I wish I had a more positive answer for you. Best of luck.

Answer 8

At those a while **** ya there's a huge subject. Sorry yet purely ant going to artwork at that age, there is too great of an age distinction. He might desire to not greater efficient as properly i advise come on 17 and 13 hell no, regon i understand he doesnt understand your age so which you may desire to tell him and purely wait and notice what happens. yet in the actual international those a while purely arnt ok and im purely bein actual thats the way it works

Answer 9

I have the same experience. I have a boyfriend who has two sons from his past relationship. I used to like his sons and treated them like my own. But as days pass by, I realize that I am not happy everytime my boyfriend would prioritize his kids' personal errands not to mention, his 14 year-old kid is still dependent on him in terms of asking him to bring him to school and at the end of the day, he has to fetch him. His other son who's a grade school kid is like a baby and a spoiled brat too. Maybe, you're giving much time to your daughter compared to your boyfriend's attention. Think about it.

Answer 10

Time to consider your options for the future, like too bad if you did want more kids eh? Sounds like you hit the nail on the head, he's got it too good at home & Dad won't do your laundry! (sorry) He knew there were two of you when this all started, two is fun I hope three ain't a crowd....