Should I end it?

Question

Ok, this will be a bit long, but bear with me.
I have been with my "boyfriend" for about four and a half months. I am 28 he is 33. Neither of us have been married but I do have a 3 year old child from a previous relationship whose father is not involved whatsoever.

We dated 10 years ago for about 10 months, but were young and it didn't work out. We hadn't spoken in all that time until we reconnected four and half months ago. At first we had a lot in common and both said we were looking for a serious relationship that could lead to marriage.

I have fallen in love with him and told him. And have naturally called him "honey, babe, sweetheart, etc." It just feels right to do so. He comes to all of my family functions. My friends expect him to be with me when they invite me somewhere. But none of that is returned by him. He says he "cares a lot about" me and is "attached" to me. I have been around his family once, despite him being close to them. He is emotionally distant

He doesn't share feelings or much of anything with me unless I push for it. I finally had enough on Friday and told him I wanted to end it because it didn't feel like it was going anywhere. He told me then that he is in love with me but he needs more time to be able to open up to me and include me in his life. He told me he doesn't care what I say that it is not over and he's not letting me go.

What should I do?

Oh yeah, the problem is that my "emotional needs" are not being met and he's aware of it but chooses not to fix it.

Answer 1

OMG y'all this person's question was just so long I got confused and had to stop reading y'all.

Someone help her y'all!

Answer 2

Pretty long question.

Here's a pretty simple answer: Dump him.

JUST KIDDING!

The key to your whole story is that you said he is "emotionally distant". That doesn't mean he's emotionally dead. You both had feelings for each other 10 years ago and you both have feelings for each other now. Neither of you have been married, but you have a child. That puts you in a different responsibility zone than him. You have a child that has been your responsibility for the last three years. He doesn't. If he's looking at taking you on, he is fully aware that your kid comes with the deal. That fact may have him a little nervous, which is normal. Put yourself in his place... how would it make you feel? He'd be stupid if it didn't concern him.

From the things he's apparently told you, he actually sounds more reasonable than you do in this situation. No offense intended.

You also haven't said anything about what he may have been through during the ten years you two were apart. Do you even know? If you don't know, you've got a problem, and you need to find out about the last decade of his life.

My advise is to chill, unless you are frantically looking for a husband to take care of you and your kid. If that's the case, then by all means let him go... for his sake.

Answer 3

You have to do whatever it takes to get away from this guy because of all he danger signs, such as being emotionally distant for one and telling you that it is not over when you say it is for another. I will give you a web site you should check, including the section on self esteem because ift sounds to me like you may have a bit of self esteem problem, and I will give you a second site about domestic violence and you can see the danger of staying with someone controlling enough to tell you that it is not over when you say it is. This also will give you some resources if you need those. If he loved you he would be glad to see you with his family and the fact that he doesn't shows that he only wants to control you and would cause you only unhappiness.

Answer 4

Sounds like he has some problems with intimacy and emotional openness. I'd suggest counseling if he were willing. Also it's alot of responsibility for someone to become a "father" and that might be making him nervous. There's alot of talking that needs to happen if this relationship is to get off the ground. Get down, talk it out, find out what's really going on with his feelings. If you can't get anywhere, consider it over. Don't settle for someone who will not satisfy you emotionally that is not willing to grow, change, explore himself. Also go slowly. Rushing a relationship when someone is putting on the brakes, doesn't help. Find out why.

Answer 5

I think GB Coolio gave a good answer. as your sister i think we have simular faults. we like to have a lot of control and we can be too demanding at times. so here is what i think..... i like him alot. i think he is good for you. as long as the problem is brought to his attention in a civil way (not through arguing) then i think you should give him a little more time. if within the next month or two you feel like he is not making any adjustments then you can say hey you're a great person but i have find someone who is willing to open up just like i am willing to open up to them.

i know he means well. he is just scared. i know he loves you or that situation at mom's would never have happened. you know he loves you too by the things that he says and the way he treats you. some of the things you are looking for will come through with time.

Answer 6

im in a similar situation with my girlfriend shes in love with me but my emotional needs are not being met and the more i try to communicate that with her the worse i feel ending things is not an option i know she loves me but she was in a horrible marriage befor we gave this a try and she is still going through tuff times i love her very much and i try to take every thing into consideration be true to your heart and give him a chance 4 months is not a long time and alot has happened in the past ten years dont stop showing him the love you feel and hopefully we will be ok i wish you the best and i hope all of your days may be filled with love

Answer 7

Give the man time, you may re great it in the long run if you don't. I would be telling you something different if he hadn't told you that he loves you and he needs you to be patient with him. So give him a few months and see how much he has opened up.

Answer 8

I disagree with the previous comment. I think that it has been long enough. You aren't being unreasonable. You're asking for what comes with a relationship. It sounds like he loves you but he's afraid to commit 100%. Maybe try talking to him again, when he seems like he's in a good enough mood to talk. But if there's no hope, you'll only be wasting your time and energy to fight for it.

Answer 9

You may be putting a bit too much pressure on him. It hasn't been that long- just 4 months. He's being safe and has been burned in the past. Don't rush or push him.

Answer 10

I say, stick to your plans. MOVE ON. If you give in, he can keep on saying he just needs more time. He could be the type who feels like he needs to have someone in his life. If not, then you can move on- not neccessarly into another relationship, but get on with life, maybe then he'll realise he cares for you more etc.

Answer 11

Don't end it just yet. Take time to really think about what you are going to do. Give him some time to figure out what he needs to think about. If you really cannot stand it, then do what YOU personally think is best.