They think I don't care when what I really want is for her to know she doesn't need to stop her living.

Question

My mother found out she has breast cancer. The one type of cancer that there is a cure for, unless you get to it way too late. She announces it to everyone she sees and has already quit her job when it is even necessary yet. She will be getting surgery soon to have the lump removed and doctors believe she has found it early enough. She has two friends that has already been through this who is living strong and happy lives and working in the school that she worked in. I do care and am very concerned, but I don't think we should all be moping around, with our heads down thinking that it is the end of her life or the end of the world. This may sound rude, selfish, cruel: but I think she is wanting too much pitty and to be babied. My father just went through cancer in three diferent areas in his body and it is now cured. He wanted no pitty he held in strong. Do you think I should feel sad, feel pitty, and mope around? Do you think I am cruel and don't care? How do you think I should feel?

Alot of you have disagreed and say think about the things my mother has done for me. My illness is epilpsy (simple complex partial seizures). She was not there for me and I am here for her. I did not announce my illness to everyone I spoke with and did not ask for anyone to take care of me. As a matter of fact I stayed working until the doctor said it was time for me to quit. To this day I take care of me, my mom, my uncle, my father, and my grandmother. Before this Iwas taking care of my husband, my daughter, and helping my in-laws. I have never quit trying and never will!!!!!!!

Answer 1

I'd just support her in any way that you can - yes it happens to a lot of people, but remember that it is actually happening to her. While you aren't worried, she may be scared out of her mind right now and could use the support. Don't treat her like she's dying or anything, but let her know you are there for her...

Answer 2

I’m afraid you have been misinformed about breast cancer and this ignorance is what is making you less caring towards your mother than you should be at this time..

There is in fact no cure for breast cancer; if it is caught early enough there is a very good chance that it can be cured, but nobody will ever know for sure whether it has been or not and no doctor will ever pronounce a breast cancer patient 'cured'; the most they will say is that there is 'no evidence' of cancer at the time of the patient's most recent examination. There is no ‘all clear’ with breast cancer - it can return at any time, no matter how early it was originally caught.

Breast cancer is a deadly disease with disfiguring surgery, gruelling treatments and so far no cure. In the UK alone an average of 33 women die of it every day. Statistically, the outlook for your mother (if the cancer has indeed been caught VERY early) is that following treatment she has somewhere between a 70% and 89% chance of surviving the next ten years. This is a terrifying time for her.

I tell you this not to frighten you but to shock you into an awareness of what is frightening your mother so much. Until she has had her surgery her doctors won't know the extent of the cancer and whether it has spread to her lymph nodes, and so which of the unpleasant cancer treatments (which she is no doubt dreading) she will need.

She needs and deserves your support. She does NOT need family members telling her to pull herself together. And there is no evidence that a positive attitude improves the outcome for cancer patients, and some evidence that trying to maintain one does some cancer patients more harm than good – they just CAN'T be as positive as everyone is urging them to be, and this leads to guilt and further stress.

Answer 3

I think you are being a little rough with your mom. Everyone handles news like that differently. If she just found out, give her time to sort through her feelings. I am sure she quit work more from a lack of focus and having to attend alot of doctors appointments for her treatment. There is nothing wrong with her wanting some time to absorb this information and to pamper her body a little for the the upcoming treatments.
However, I agree with you that she should not view this as the end of the world but rather a problem that needs to be solved. I would strongly suggest that you introduce her to other survivors of her type of cancer. This can help her see that it is not a death sentence but an obstacle that needs to be over come. Maybe a support group might help where other people who are going through this can give her advice and hope.
As far as the way you feel, right now she needs all the positive support she can get so her immune system can help her fight this. Emotional well being definitely has alot to do with well people recover. If she thinks her family is against her and doesnt view her illness seriously that could prevent her from healing as fast as she should.
I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Answer 4

My oh my. You really must inform the world that there is a cure for breast cancer because you seem to be the only person who knows that. Certainly my oncologist would be interested.

I agree that this isn't the end of the world, but it is the end of life as it was for your mother. You might not want to admit that but it's the way it is. For the rest of her life your mother will be waiting for the next shoe to drop.

So your mom tells people - what's the problem? Should she be ashamed? Well screw that. I told people too and went shopping bald headed. So she quit her job - so what? Are you still dependent on her income? If not it is none of your business what she does.

Guess what? Your risk for breast cancer has just increased.
Happy mammograms to you.

Reading this question has made me even more grateful for the support of my sons who were always there for me. I'm going to make them a good dinner tonight.

Clearly there is some animosity towards your mother. You should deal with that. Do your mother a favour and stay away from her. And do learn to spell or at least use the spellcheck.

Answer 5

I don't know your situation....but I'm thinking that your family has already been through a lot, with your father's cancer. Your mom was probably the caregiver, the support..that and the simple daily rollercoaster of emotions took a toll on her even if she never said a thing. I think it weakens and strengthens one psychologically, to go through this with a family member. so maybe she's very tired now, that she was diagnosed herself. Maybe she's just thinking of what your dad went though and is just very emotionally tired to go through it again...you know...like she spen all her reserves of energy on others.

You can't seriously expect your mom to act exactly like your dad. Besides, men fake it better. How do you know what type of conversations they had, when you weren't there?

I'm glad you take it so well, I'm sure you're scared too. Be gentle to your mom but also you're right to keep a positive outlook. Keep reminding her that she caught it early, that she'll be fine. If she tells you your behaviour seems cruel and cold...how about you adjust it a bit...she comforted you when you were a whining baby:)
***Good that she quit the job! Stress reduction (as long as she has insurance)! It doesn't mean she gave up or stuff, it may actually be good for her, more rest, more time to focus on fighting the disease.

Answer 6

Your mom and dad are 2 different people and their cancers are not alike. Until you are in her shoes, don't judge her. I know from experience that the news that you have cancer is devastating. Your body is disfigured for the rest of your life and frankly. Nothing is ever again the same after the day you are told you have cancer. And furthermore maybe she might just need that extra attention. Some people are not strong and don't know how to deal with the news. It also helps to be able to talk about your situation and not be ashamed. I'm sure she not asking you to mope around, this is the way she is dealing with the situation. Sorry but try to be more compassionate.

Answer 7

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, that very day, I rang around trying to give away my horse thinking that I won't be able to look after him any more.
It's a natural reaction I guess, your Mum giving up her job. She is trying to be practical. Don't be surprised if she wishes to start planning her funeral. Let her, help her, ask her what song she want's played, she'll be less stressed if she knows everything is organized. ( only do this if she brings it up funeral talk first though ) She probably knows that there is only a small chance of dying, but she wants to be prepared.
Let her grieve for what she is losing, but it's unhealthy to grieve too long. Encourage her to start to get fit in preparation for the operation. Go for walks with her, every day. Brisk walks to get the blood pumping, it all helps make recovery quicker. Walking is a cure for depression.
Talk to her about after the operation. Ask what you can do. She'll be stressing about who'll do your Dads washing and cooking while she's away and recuperating.
Focus on the future, to keep her mind off the present , which is pretty awful at the moment.
Here's a link to a website for people with cancer, survivors of cancer and their family and friends. In the chat room there are lots of friendly helpful people who know exactly what you and your Mum are going through. It was a big help to me.
http://www.acscsn.org/
All the best with this,
I'll send positive thought your way.

Answer 8

Doctors arent always right, and your Dad surviving has probable given you confidence that things will be ok which is great. However, cancer is very unpredictable. My Mum was diagnosed with kidney cancer in may this year. We where told she would be ok, but the cancer spread thru her body like wild fire. She pasted away sept 7 after only a 4 month battle aged 60. I would do anything to have Mum back so i could care for her again. I hope your Mum is ok, i would hate you to go thru what i did. All the best.

Answer 9

You can't really know how shocking this is to a person and the deep sense of loss (loss of health, loss of a body part, loss of hair from chemo and fear of mortality ) and despair until you go through it. I have been through it and believe me it is a devastating feeling.The loss of a breast , loss of health status and loss of hair all contribute to a HUGE change in body image. Who you defined yourself as physically no longer is "you" anymore. It takes a long time to accept the "new" physical "you" as "you". Not fast or easy to do.

She needs to be supported by her family. She probably did not need to quit her job , she could have taken family medical leave (FMLA) for up to about 12 weeks I think it is and it protects your job while you are off with illness. Even if you are the only one in your "family" (single).

If she does chemo, try to encourage her to stay AHEAD of the nausea with the anti-nausea pills. Once the nausea takes hold, you don't even want to look at a pill .Wigs can be covered by insurance if you get a prescription from the oncologist for a "hair prosthesis". Mild, warm, high protein foods such as rax/arby's roast beef sandwiches and cold hard boiled eggs are good for keeping blood protein levels up and to help the chemo sessions stay on track and finish on time. I liked bottled water and crackers too and kept Immodium around for the diarrhea that comes with the chemo (check with the doctor first to make sure its okay).

I don't think you should wait on her hand and foot, but some people have better or worse experiences on chemo or radiation than others, so keep that in mind also. It is an individual experience and no two people experience it the same way.

Since your mom has it, be sure to keep up your own routine mammograms. It can sometimes have a genetic link and the sooner it is found the better.

Say a prayer to your mom to have the strength to get through this and I will say one for her too. Also see about support groups for breast cancer survivors and go with her to them if you can. It helps to talk to others going through the same thing. Good luck to her.

Answer 10

I think you are scared to death that your mother has cancer, and very understandably so. It bothers you to watch her quit her job and tell her friends because it makes the cancer real. With all the people you say you take care of and then now your mother is added to the bunch, you are ready to crumble if you allow yourself to think of your mother's cancer as anything but curable. I think you are in the denial stage of grievance. It's normal and o.k. to be in the denial stage, if that's where you need to be in order to keep going. You just need to understand and accept that your mother is in a different stage of grieving. It's good that she is not in the denial stage or she wouldn't be able to get treatment for herself. It sounds like to me she is preparing and gearing herself up for her fight against cancer in a way that is good for her. Allow her to deal with her situation in her own way and don't judge her because it is a different way than your own.

No, I do not think you are cruel and don't care. Nor do I believe there is a particular way that you "should" feel. Each person has to deal with the shock of a serious illness in a way that works for them.