How to stop nagging and be positive - need to cope with irritable, distant partner?

Question

I want to make things better without 'talking about it', even though I am sometimes hurt by his distance/distraction.

It's been rough lately - we nearly split up a little while ago - but we have agreed to work on it.

He doesn't want things to get 'heavy' - and i don't disagree that talking about things can make things worse, sometimes. He has been fed up with 'relationship' discussions - which he tends to head off at the pass by (falsely!) anticipating criticisms, assuming the worst; he'll get snippy and annoyed and feel I'm castigating him when I just want to be understood. He doesn't want to hear about what I'm actually upset about - I don't think I've ever gotten that far, despite my efforts!

So ok, I'm willing to do 'fun' things - we do need more good times. Except we often slip into snapping at each other, or get defensive...

Any advice on how to approach this, with the aim of mending the relationship?

thank you for replying - what you say may well be true.

i do think part of it might involve putting the brakes on automatic reactions, though... would like to know how to be better at that, and how to forget minor resentments and be open...

probably some of that is miscommunication, old hurts... there must be a way to let go of those.

ah, i do want this to work.

thank you for replying - what you say may well be true.

i do think part of it might involve putting the brakes on automatic reactions, though... would like to know how to be better at that, and how to forget minor resentments and be open...

probably some of that is miscommunication, old hurts... there must be a way to let go of those.

ah, i do want this to work.

Answer 1

want to make things better without 'talking about it', even though I am sometimes hurt by his distance/distraction.

He doesn't want things to get 'heavy'

anticipating criticisms, assuming the worst

So ok, I'm willing to do 'fun' things -

I more then sure you don't see the connection, but your trying to have your cake and eat it to, in other words, your both putting up barriers to the things you actually need to do, forcing you to have faith in things you don't. Congrulations, this is all caused by both of your abilities to take compassinatly, constructive and actually honestly. So unless you learn HOW to relate deeper without getting to emotional, you don't have a prayer. Sorry, but you can't make a serious relationship, light and happy, thats not the way it really works....