my 9 year old and her cell phone?

Question

my step daugher is 9 and has been coming to my house for quite a while but before there was not a court order and the mother and the kid decided when it was ok to come. and her mother also tried pushing my husband out of the picture. now neither of us think that it is appropriate for her to have a cell phone her mother got it for her her first court ordered weekend to stay. she has fun with us but can not show that to her mom. I have been involved for 8 years now. so it is not that I am taking her daddy or anything. but her mother tells her to defy our rules. we have a phone and allow her to use it to call her mom any time she wants we also allow her mother to call her. we just do not think that it is appropriate for her to have it all the time flipping it around. when she is here she should not be on the phone with the other family we should be spending time and doing our family things. is it appropriate for her to have this or does mommy need back off. we have other kids and theydont

Answer 1

I think a cell phone for a 9 year old is totally ridiculous. I think it's perfectly o.k. that you and your husband confiscate the phone when she comes to your house and hold it till after her visit. Be sure to explain to her why you are doing it (that it's family time and you want to spend time together). The mother should back off... with her telling her daughter to defy your house rules, she really is only harming her daughter.

Answer 2

This cell phone isn't for the 9yo. It's for the MOTHER, so she can instantly contact her daughter and receive reassurance that she's alright.

If I were in your shoes, I would take the cell phone from the 9 yo while she's in your house, and of course tell the mom that her daughter will be out of reach of the phone so she doesn't panic if she calls and there is no answer.
If the 9yo stepdaughter feels she has a good reason to contact her mom, then give her the phone back to use for the call, and at all other times keep it put away for safe-keeping.

Right now there seems to be some trust issues that exist between your husband and his ex. So you can't really blame the mom for not being entirely comfortable about leaving her only child with him, & out of her immediate reach.
Offer her some understanding, and maybe she will loosten her grip a little. Ultimately it's your husbands responsibility to deal with his ex, as well as his daughter. But if the mom was reassured that she had an ally in you, she might start to feel better about having her daughter in your home.

Answer 3

Everyone is allowed an opinion on whether a 9 year old should have a cell phone, but her mother is the one that bought it, so if you keep it, the bills still need to be paid.
It is not appropriate for her to be talking on any phone when she should be doing something you asked her to do or some activity with the family.
You should punish her in a way you see fit in your home and then talk to her mom.

Answer 4

It does sound like the mother is doing everything she can to keep her daughter from enjoying her time with her father and you. My ex did similar things, including giving our nine year old a cell phone too.

I think it will only make things worse if you try to get the mom to take the phone back. It will just be one more issue to fight about, and it sounds like you all have been in conflict too much already.

How about if you tell the daughter that you'll set aside certain times where she can call her other family, with her own phone, if she wants? You can explain that you don't want her to miss out on spending time with her dad and her other brothers and sisters, so it's better if the timing is set aside. You can also tell the mother that this will free up her family to do other things (like go to a movie, etc.) without having to worry if the daughter is going to call or not.

The mom will not like this idea of course, but it will be harder for her to argue the point when her daughter gets to keep the phone and they can still talk on a regular basis. My theory is that the more you turn conflicts into win/win solutions, the less your husband's ex will have to complain about.

Also, if the nine year old is like mine, she'll play with the phone a lot at first, then it will fall to the botom of her backpack and she'll move on to the next toy. My son never remembers to turn his on anymore.

Meanwhile, my ex has started to back off, but now my girlfriend has decided to call it quits, mostly because my ex made it so difficult for us! Sometimes you just can't win, but you can work to make it easier.

Best of luck!

Answer 5

I agree with you about kids having cell phones. The only reason I can see for that is if the child would need to contact the parent in an emergency. It sounds like there are some issues with Mom feeling jealous of the time her child spends with her Dad. Unfortunately Mom doesn't seem to understand the position she's putting her daughter in.

If I were the step-Mom, I would do what I can to provide an emotionally healthy environment for the child. Children need boundaries and they will test them to the limit. If her Mom is telling her to defy the rules at Dad's house, Dad needs to have a discussion with Mom about what that's doing to their daughter. While your step-daughter is with you treat her as your own. Make sure she knows she's loved. Help her with her confusion about rules and regulations. Explain to her that there is a set of rules she has to follow when she's with you and her Dad and when she's with her Mom, Mom sets the rules at her house. Be careful about competing with her Mom. You may think that's not an issue but little things can slip in without you realizing it so just be as alert as possible to your own reactions and comments.

Be as consistant as possible and as compassionate as possible toward her Mom. She's most likely feeling alone and rejected since you and your husband have been happily together for a while. She may be afraid of losing her daughter to the two of you. Also choose your battles. Don't let the issue of a 9 year old having a cell phone be the undoing of a great relationship you can have with this child. Explain the appropriateness or inappropriateness of her behavior as it happens. Be careful about saying or doing anything that her Mom can use as fuel to put a wedge between the two of you. And just be a Mom. Easier said than done but it sounds like you've got a good attitude and the ability to help your step-daughter grow up happy and emotionally stable. And isn't that what it's all about. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

My sister's husband has a 10 year old daughter. She is with my sister and her father more then her mother, but it is supposed to be 50/50. Anyway, her mother bought her a cell phone, and my brother in-law hit the roof. And called his ex and told her, she was too young to have one, and that she would not be allowed to have it in his home. He reasoning was so she could call her when she is there, and he told her that, that is his time and she didn't need to be calling her. If she wants to call then she can call the house. And that was the end of that.
A child that young doesn't need a cell phone, that is just ridiculous.
Your husband needs to tell his ex, that when his daughter is with him, it is his time, and the cell phone isn't allowed. If the ex still sends it with her, then take it as soon as she gets to your house, turn it off and put it up. Then give it back when she goes home.

Answer 7

We have a similar situation in our "family", and when the kids are here with us, they follow OUR rules. We try to be reasonable, but I know when they go to their father's house on the weekends, they get away with soooo much. And they both have cell phones too, (ages 11 & 14). They are always welcome to call their dad if they want when they are here, but he has to respect our time with the kids, just as we respect his.
They are the CHILDREN...we are the parents! No matter what, that is basic respect. She is learning that she can walk all over you, disrespect you, and you won't do anything about it. The mother sounds like a piece of work...encouraging defiant, disrespectful behavior of such a young child...wow...(trying to keep it nice)..
I think you guys need to all sit down and have a talk, without the 9 yr old. Explain to the mom that she has to respect your alotted visitation time, as you respect yours. Constant phone conversations is very distracting, and taking away from your activities together. Tell her that if there is an emergency, then they can call....they want to say goodnite, then thats okay too...but otherwise, cut it down. He is the Dad....the parent, too...he gets just as much say as mom does.
Good luck. Stand your ground. You are right. It's a bit much.

Answer 8

I have a 9 year old and she does not have a cell phone. The only place that she goes where I am not... is school. And I pick her up and drop her off. If she goes to a friends house down the road or to the park on our street.... she must have the walkie talkies with her. I think you have a right to be concerned. And I also agree her time with you should be quality time with the whole family... not there talking to her friends and God only knows who else.

Tell the mom that when she comes to your house the cell phone cant come over with her.

Answer 9

I do agree that she shouldnt have a cell phone at that age either because, to me, kids these days are a little too wrapped up in useless things. I can see where she got it for safety reasons but never to just go willy nilly with it. Her mother, at that age, should try and understand you and your husbands rules (unless theyre comepletely retarded and unfair like my stepmoms were). There's nothing you can really do except talk to the mother. Taking the phone away would not be a good idea since you aren't the one paying for it so I wouldnt complain too much about that. Just teach your kids not to follow her examples and just focuse on raising your children the way you want them to be raised.

Answer 10

I think a cell phone for a 9 year old is inappropriate. But if her mom bought it for her and wants to pay the bills, there's nothing you can do about it. HOWEVER, you can set rules for it's use while at your house. If you want her to spend time with the family instead of playing with the phone, then the phone is off while in your house.