Four year old deliberately manipulating parents?

Question

We have a four year old daughter, she is very smart and VERY stubborn. She gets in "moods" for days where she is nasty and has absolute tantrums over everything. She also can go for days without a problem, sweet and compliant. When she refuses to do as she is told, yelling at me and my husband, telling US what to do, we put her in time out or put her in her room with the door closed and no tv. She immediately goes from tyrant to crying and pleading for mommy or daddy, asking to snuggle, wanting a hug and a kiss. Could she really be deliberately manipulating us? How can we regain control? We are getting desprate. I want my sweet girl all of the time. I realize kids have bad days but PLEEEEEASE! She completely freaks out when she doesnt get her way half the time. And when she is like this it is impossible to get her to do anything. She knows how to clean up after herself but when she doesnt want to, hell would freeze over before she will do as she is told. Help, please.

Answer 1

This in normal four year old behavior. If you want it to stop she can not continue to get her way half the time, you need to be consistent. The great thing about four year old is their size. You can not force her to pick it up. But, you can (and to honest, I have) picked everything up and placed it into a large rubber maid container. With out saying another word to her, just go around the room and pick up the toys. When you are done put the top on the container and walk it to your car and put it in the trunk. When she screams and yells ignore her. After a few days, yes wait a few days ask her if she is ready to put the items away. When she agrees, get the box and sit it on the floor in her room and watch her put the items away. If she fusses or begs for help, pack and repeat. Sometimes with parenting actions speak louder than words.

Answer 2

oh my thats sounds familiar.. My niece started this behavior at the same age she is now 12 years old and having serious problems in fact she just got out of a children behavorial hospital.
They did try very hard but still there were 2 problems they were not equal in how they parented her. Mom gave her everything and Dad had to be the diciplinarian. The second was they had marital problems and did not keep there problems behind closed doors.
Yes children can be manipulative at this age but not in the same way adults mite be. She simply has learned what works and uses it. She does not sit and think how to manipulate but it is more a natural behavior.

Watch the Nanny and you will see the most important thing is consistancy and both parents working together in agreement.

No matter how bad you feel you both must stand firm.
If that means letting her scream her head off and kicking in a corner for an hour than thats what you must do.

You must not negotiate over anything not even the smallest things. What you say goes . If she gets the idea she can haggle over small things then it will continue on.

you must also give her due praise when she does something for herself. Make a reward system that is fun for her where evryday if she is good she can see the results.

Once you put her in time out do not stay and talk her down and justify. This is a form of attention and trying to justify.
Just tell her she is in time out and thats it. After she has calmed down and the time outs over then you can tell her why ask her if she is sorry and is ready to do whats she is told.

Never show weakness and be consistant she should adapt quickly and there should be some serious changes within a 2 week period.

This is the age to get her under control because 8 years old now is the new 13 and 13 is the new 16 by then it will be so much more difficult to shape how she views you and listens to you

Answer 3

I feel maybe she is in need of structure. Do you notice she gets like this when things are "free" or less confined...like schedules are more open or not as consistent?

To regain control, try re-establishing your rules for her, constantly reminding at each turn. "______ this morning, we are going to get dressed, have breakfast and leave to go to _____" then get on with it. Telling her what you expect her to do ahead of time gives her a goal to work towards. Reward all good behavior with lots of hugs and kisses (what she craves when she's been "bad"). If she does something undesirable, explain immediately what the consequences are, should she choose to continue. FOLLOW THROUGH EACH TIME.

Also, try creating a reward system (that includes lots of hugs and kisses in addition to actual prizes) that rewards positive behavior.

Remind her that feeling disappointed (notice I'm not using angry) is sometimes what we feel when things don't go our way and its OK to feel this way, but the way we act when it happens needs to be respectful.

Yes, this is going to be hard...you know as a parent I'm sure. :) But the more structure you provide in regards to her behavior, the more consistent her behavior will become.

Also, make sure you aren't putting her in timeout in minutes longer than her age (ex: 5 years = 5 min).

PS -She doesn't know she's "manipulating"...she just knows the result and that it sometimes works.

Answer 4

Yes, it sounds like she is manipulating. They always say that the smartest girls are the most stubborn; it looks like you have a genius.

My advice would be to refuse to give into her crying and pleading. My mother said that when my brother was sent to his room for doing something wrong as a toddler, he would say in a pathetic voice, "But you don't love me, Mom?" It worked for a few days and then she finally realized what was going on and started replying with, "I love you very much, enough to make you go to your room."

That's the kind of "tough love" you need to adopt in this situation. Tell her you love her, but she still needs to behave. Then make her, no exceptions. If she senses that you feel guilty or unsure, she's going to be smart enough to exploit it.

Best of luck with your smarty. :)

Answer 5

Oh oh... I sound like your four year old.
Do not give in to her manipulations, yes they are deliberate...this one is a good little politician.
Watch Nanny 911!
When she refuses to pick up her toys, get a big plastic bag and tell her, "Sweety, if you don't put away these toys, mommy and daddy are going to put them in a trash bag and throw them away"...Then start to do it...Oh she will cry, but just ignore her, and she will get the idea that she needs to pick them up, before mommy and daddy start to trash them.
When she cries, kicks and screams, pick her up drop her in her bedroom (please don't tell me she has a TV in her bedroom!) and IGNORE her. When she stops her antics she will be that sweet little girl, but you must make her apologize and make sure she knows what she is sorry for by talking it out with her. When she starts to see this negative behavior coinciding with being ignored, her little outbreaks will start to dwindle. When she is sweet make sure you let her know how happy mommy and daddy are with their sweet little princess.

Answer 6

No sugar and no aspartame. Read lables, even ketchup is loaded with sugar. There is a reason she has a 'melt down' and it could be something in her diet. I do believe she is manipulating you, and you have to reassure her that as soon as she behaves you will give her a big hug.

Answer 7

Hey there, my dear friend!!

Yes, four-year olds are capable of manipulating! And they do it deliberately, although they can't recognize it in themselves. They just know that in order to get what they want, they do this and that, push this button on Mommy, that button on Daddy, and voila! Mission Accomplished!!

Couple of thoughts... First, I like the plastic bin idea, for when she doesn't want to pick up toys. As for things it might not be easy to store for a few days, it always worked for my kids to say, "Well, it's time for us to go to this other thing, but we can't leave until you clean up your mess." Most important is to be consistent with it... It does not require hollering, just a very firm but quietly held boundary. James Dobson says the best way to control immediate misbehavior is to quietly tell your child what you would like them to do, then, if they don't comply, pinch the little muscle that runs from the shoulder to the neck and quietly say to them, right at their ear, "Mommy asked you to (fill in the blank) and you need to do what Mommy asks you to do.". There is a certain pain response, but it goes away immediately, and it's not all that painful... it's just a nervous system reaction.. and it gets her attention enough for her to listen to you when you speak, so she really gets that she needs to be obedient.

Also, critical for you and MTD to (as Dr. Phil says) stand shoulder to shoulder in regards to what the rules are, what behavior is acceptable and what's not, and what your response will be, as a parenting unit... not as a "parent"

She's so smart, HL, she's probably getting really bored at home... which means she's just getting more ready to start school next year. Maybe pick up some kindergarden level workbooks that are fun... to curb that boredom thing?? (Just an idea)

Finally... and you know what I do for a living and how many kids I have... She's a child. This is what it's all about. If it's not one struggle, it'll be another, until she's no longer your child.. which is NEVER!! Welcome to parenthood!! *LOL* My best advice is to stay calm... approach everything (except life-threatening illness or death) with a sense of humor.. even when SHE doesn't. (Parenting is about making great memories and modeling good behavior, not about talking to her until she gets it right!) Don't take her or yourself too seriously... (if you analyze every single behavior looking for something wrong, you'll drive her AND yourselves completely batty!) Kids are, after all, kids.. .and they learn how to be adults from you... give her tools to be an adult who copes with life's ups and downs.

When she doesn't get her own way, remember who is QUEEN of the household... You can't let it be her, not unless you want a teenaged terror, anyway... and you can't spend ANY time explaining away your decisions. She needs to know that what Mom and Dad say goes... and that she's not entitled to know your reasoning. It's YOUR decision. It's YOUR house. You set the rules. If you want her to be obedient, you can't give her that much power, kiddo... and if you're answering to her, as her parents, then who's got the control of the home and the authority in the family?

When she acts wonderful, treat it like it's normal, not special. That way she gets the message that "this" is the way we act in our home. When she acts like a nudge, let her know it's not okay. But don't yell. Don't make a huge deal out of it. (that's as bad as giving in!) Just don't tolerate it. Quietly. Steadily. Respectfully. Without apologies or explanations. [It's very effective in public to lean in close and put a shocked look on your face and say conspiratorily, "(gasp) we don't do that!"]

I know you both love her and absolutely dote on her... but she's human... She's going to act like a nudge sometimes, just like we all do.

Love ya'll!!

Answer 8

I must say the parent is extremely smart considering your avatar. Maybe your daughter is a young liberal!

Answer 9

get consistent every time she acts out punish her and dont give in.

Answer 10

I'm sorry I just hate you're avatar.