Mom offered fiance my Grandmothers Engagement ring...?

Question

first off: im not supposed to know this informantion. My mom told my sister to talk to my fiance and ask him if would like to give me my grandmas engagement ring. She said he could take the diamond out and have it re set if he wanted to. He was not planning on getting me an engagement ring right now as we are trying to save money and dont feel that an engagement ring would be a wise use of finances. He feels as though its a 'pity' offer and does not want to accept it. What do you all think about this? Personally, I would love for him to take it and give it to me. Its a beautiful ring and has family history, which means more than a new ring.

Answer 1

I would look at it as being an honor offer, not a pity offer. Your mother thinks highly enough of him to offer him a family heirloom. She wouldn't have offered it if she didn't think the two of you wouldn't work out.

Answer 2

Went through the same thing with my HTB. Little money, big dreams because he thought I deserved it (I do lol), and alot of worrying about other people's opinions. It's a male pride thing.

In our case he wanted to get me a diamond. I prefered a gemstone. If he insisted on a diamond look I told him I wanted a CZ/Moissanite. He was so worried that if he got me the gemstone or faux diamond people would think he only did it to be "cheap" and would think badly of him. I won't lie. It finally got to the point where I had to tell him that if he proposed with a 5k ring or some nonsense I would be really, really appreciatve. But, I have to wear it the rest of my life and he would be taking it back and exchanging for something more affordable or enjoy it's sparkle from my jewlery box.

The only thing you can do is be honest with your guy. Even if the ring was a pity offer you just need to let him know that having a ring with meaning and tradition is more your prefrence than something brand new. Let him know that even if you DID have the money for a brand new one you would still want your grandmother's ring.

You might want to add that the engagement is a lifetime memory. I realize it's not the main focus but I would have not been able to keep from being a little dissapointed if HTB would have proposed without some sort of ring. :)

Answer 3

Exact same thing for me. My fiance and I aren't exactly wealthy, and trying to save money for life, education, living. He gave me his great-great-grandmother's engagement ring (which was a ring his mother wore on her right hand as a sentiment to her grandmother, who she was close to). I never expected a fancy engagement ring, but nothing could be better than an heirloom that really has a lot of history and love behind it, knowing two other women in his ancestry (including his great grandmother) used this as an engagement ring. They looked at this ring in happiness. They also said yes and wore this ring.

He shouldn't take it as a pity offer. I have recieved so many compliments on the ring being such an antique. And when I tell people the story, they find it so romantic. No ring would have been better than this. It's perfect.

Answer 4

Believe me, you will not regret that ring, ever. I use my grandmothers ring, the meaning behind the ring makes it so much more special than any ring my husband could have ever purchased in a store. Tell him you want it, your mother should have phrased it as "I know Sue has always wanted this ring to be her engagement ring, so if you want it Tom, it's yours" I am guessing it came out more like "Tom if you cant afford a ring right now you can use Sue's grandmother's ring" which was probably why he thinks its more of a charity gesture than a sentimental one. But as its too late now and your mom has already offered it, you need to let him know about it. What you should do is one afternoon when you are at your mothers house, have her take out some of your grandmothers things including the ring. Since you arent supposed to know about the offer you can act as if you know nothing and then start gushing over the ring. Say how you forgot how beautiful the ring was and how if you had any ring to choose that you would want one just like it. Even ask your mom what her plans for it are, but clue her in on what you want her to say, dont let her go it without a script! Maybe this way he will feel better about the ring.

Good luck!

PS Never EVER tell him about any of this, this little ruse should be taken to your grave or else it will really upset him.

Answer 5

YOUR rings are not your mother's concern. She needs to learn to keep her opinions to herself or planning your wedding will be hell on earth for you! If you like the heirloom rings, then by all means you should wear them. It's your finger, not your mother's. My diamond came from my husband's mom's engagement setting, but my mother didn't seem to care. It's up to the groom to figure out the engagement ring, so he should either buy it or it comes from his side of the family. The history of the rings doesn't matter. They are still family heirlooms and your fiance's mom has probably been waiting for years to be able to pass them down. It would be silly to go out and buy $$$$ new rings for you if you DO like the rings you've been given already. Maybe you can go find a new wedding band that goes with his mom's engagement ring, that way the wedding band will be yours alone. You have to start thickening your skin to this family tension BS, because there will be a lot of it as you plan your wedding. You should set a precedent now to let your mom know that you won't be pushed around or follow her orders and that she should keep her harsh opinions to herself.

Answer 6

tell him exactly how you feel about the ring. If getting you a new ring is so important to him then tell him in a few years he can get you a diamond anniversary band to go with it.
This diamond would be so much more special and probably be cut better than some of the rings we see today.
Tell him not to be proud......look at the ring as a special gift from someone who thinks you are both special enough to recieve it.
There is such a thing as being too proud

Answer 7

Well since you're not supposed to know then I guess it's hard to tell him that you want that ring. Maybe sometime when you're with him you could mention how lovely you always thought your grandma's ring was. Mention that you know a ring isn't a good investment now. That way he might get the hint that you like the ring and understand it's not about buying you a new one. Not all guys get hints, but given the situation it's the best you can do without flatly telling him. Also, maybe mention it to your mom or sister or whomever told you about it. They might spread the word or mention it to him for you by saying "She always did like grandma's ring". It might seem a little hokey, but I don't know what else to tell you.

Answer 8

Offering up the engagement ring of a loved one is a long standing tradition. Passing along a family heirloom has always signified the complete pride and approval of the prospective bride's marriage by her parents. Your fiance is being poor man's modern about it. Many wealthy families still do so today.

Answer 9

Tell him how you feel. (I have an heirloom ring from my fiance's family, and I just love the meaning behind it, and the connection to previous generations--way better than a new, bought ring.) Also, consider that it wasn't out of 'pity' on your mother's part. You know her better than I do, of course, but could it be that she was just trying trying to help out a young couple in need? I understand how he might bristle at what he interprets as a suggestion that he's unable to take care of you, but the fact that she offered him the ring indicates that she highly approves of him, and thinks he'd be a good husband for you. Maybe it would be easier for your fiance to accept this gift with that perspective. Best wishes to you both.

Answer 10

Why all the secrets? Talk to him about it, and tell him you would love to wear your grandmother's ring. If there's all this talk in the family about the ring, I assume it's already been pretty well decided that the two of you are getting married - doesn't seem like there's a need for secrecy. Just talk to him.

Answer 11

Drop hints, since he doesnt know you know. You can say things like, My grandmother has a beautiful ring or if you dont like the ring, has a beautiful stone.
If you are trying to save money, what better way! This will cost you guys nothing and it has such meaning!