My Brother is Threatening my son?

Question

I have a brother that is 12 years younger than me. He has 3 kids and a sweet wife.

Whenever my 10yo son plays with his children, who are a bit younger. They horse around or get into spats like boys do and my brother gets mad at my son and then threatens him. In the past he has said "Im going to kill you" "Stay away from my son, dont go near him" and then kicked him out of my parents house. My son was devestated. Just yesterday, he said "You better knock it off, or else Im going to come and smack down on you and you wont like it" - I dont know exactly what my son did. They were all playing and seemed if they were having fun. My brother didnt tell me at any time that my son was misbehaving. He just took it upon himself to discipline my son.

This makes me very uncomfortable. I dont really think that he would harm my son (though Im not totally sure) but I would never threaten to physically harm a child - not my own, certainly not anyone elses!

Wow.. Thanks for all the thoughts. I grew up in an abusive household so I think I sort of accepted his behavior as almost normal even though the bells were going off and saying 'dangerous'. It's good to have you all understand and offer advice!

I guess, everyone in the family sort of recognizes my brother is a bully and kind of 'takes it'. He's also the youngest and only son.. so he has sort of a special place in my parent's hearts.

This is an ongoing problem and I once brought it to my parents and they took my brother's side and it ended up with my entire family not speaking to ME for a year.

Believe me, my son isnt perfect. He does have challenges, and he does love to play rough with all kids. But he hasnt ever hurt any other child. Mind you - my brother's son broke my other son's thumb by slamming it in a door! So his children arent perfect either.

I will speak to him and let him know it's not ok, and then take it from there.

Answer 1

You need to have a talk with your brother, NOW.

You have a responsibility to your child to protect him from this. Your brother has NO right to threaten your child in any way, and he doesn't have a right to discipline him, either. This is nothing less than abuse.
You need to make it CLEAR to him that he is not to speak to your child that way again, and that if there is a problem going on with your child and his children, that he can remove his children from the situation, and then come and tell you what happened, and then YOU can take care of any discipline that your child might need.
Do not tolerate him treating your child that way, under any circumstances. He does NOT have the right, and you need to protect your child from this. Your child is too young to deal with this himself. It's up to you. Your child's well-being is more important than ANYTHING your brother might say or feel.

Answer 2

Elaine,

It is your responsibility as a parent to protect your children. If it were me, I would be raising holy heck with my brother and his threats. Now you are not me, but what are you doing to protect your son from your brother. He is 10 years old...he is a child and is not really set up to deal with death threats.

I also would NOT be letting my child be alone with your brother for any reason. I take the tack that if he says it, then if he gets mad enough he will do something, he might not kill your son but he right now, is verbally and emotionally abusing your son, and that SHOULD make you uncomfortable. Who is to say he won't make it physical at some point, if he is saying it he is thinking it and it is a short step from thinking to doing. Be safe and not sorry!

Having an Uncle who was a Juvinille Court Judge, he would always say you knew what he knew you would never let a friend tend your children and you would be skeptical of family members.

Keep in mind these are my opinions, I do not judge you but, would hate to read about you and your son in the papers.

Answer 3

Dear Elaine:

Well, I have to tell you that your brother is most definitely abusing your son. If I were you, I would certainly sit down with your brother & find out what his problem is. You need to let him know that while he may not be physically abusing your son (which of course you need to find out from your son) that he is verbally & emotionally abusing him & that it will not be tolerated. It is a tough place to be in - between your brother & your 10 year old son, but this is your child & regardless who it is, no one has the right to abuse your son. Your job as a parent is to protect your child. Obviously your brother thinks this is discipline but it is not. Besides, he does not have the right to discipline your son either. You may have to sever ties with your brother if he is not willing to change. I do think that this is probably a bigger problem then you realise. It sounds like your brother may need anger management therapy. If your son is bullying your nephew or whatever, it is your brother's duty to tell you & let you take care of your own child. I wish you all the luck - remember that your child comes first!

Why this is going to be the BEST ANSWER & what separates this from the others who have answered:

PLAN B

If you have a printer, print our all these answers from other people in this forum & let him see what others think of his behaviour. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that his behaviour is not only unacceptable but illegal.

Best wishes

The Woodster

Answer 4

It is never appropriate to tell a child that you are going to kill them. Also it is not your brothers place to reprimand your child if he has a problem with the way your child is playing he should tell you. I can understand that a parent can get upset if an older child hurts their child but this is inappropriate behavior from your brother. You need to tell him that you don't appreciate it. You can't hit a child for hitting a child and expect them to understand. Simple psychology tells you this. You are doing to the child what you don't want them to do. Your brother will and may have already caused your child to harbor bad feeling about his children. His threatening is only causing things to be worse. You might discuss this with your parents also because this should be alarming behavior in their eyes also. What ever happens you need to protect your child. If that means telling him he isn't allowed to play with your brothers children or not taking him into an environment where your brother is. Good Luck. I hope you can work this out peacefully.

Answer 5

Well unfortunate as it is, there are a lot of adults who communicate with children that way. It doesn't necessarily mean that he will actually do physical harm to your son, but you still need to set boundaries with your brother.

Tell your brother how you feel when he steps in and talks to your son that way. Ask him to stop threatening him, or you will have to take steps to keep him from being in the presence of his nephew until his behaviour changes.

Make sure that he understands that it is the responsibility of you and your husband to discipline your son. Not his, so stop trying to do it, especially through threats of physical harm.
Your brother needs to recognise and respect that you have a different parenting style than he does.
So tell him!

Answer 6

Talk to your brother when he is calm and tell him that he talks a little rough to your baby. Ask him if he can think of something else to say than what he has been saying. (But know this tell him if you swing you going to ride) and call the police and have him thrown in jail if he puts his hands on your baby. Children fight one minute and are friends the next he needs to say out of children's mess. Does he talk to his own children like that or just yours. Stop taking your son around him and he will wonder why.

Answer 7

Bring his wife and your parents in on it. Tell him that it's never okay to threaten a child, whether he means it or not. It's not okay with his kids, and it's not okay with yours. Tell him that if he does it with other people's children he's opening himself up to a lawsuit. Also, it sounds like he has anger management issues. He might need help. Perhaps you should make sure he's not hitting his wife: do you know the signs of domestic abuse? This might be a larger problem than you think.

Answer 8

You should tell your bro how you feel when he does things like that. But you should also make sure that they aren't alone together. I know keeping tabs on a 10 yr old bites at family things but in order to see how they are playing you should watch them so it isn't a second hand account. After that, you should be able to defend your son a little better when you bro goes on the verbal attack.

Answer 9

It's up to you to set BOUNDARIES with your brother. That means that if your son does something that your brother sees as wrong - that your brother must tell you and you do the disciplining. You have to demand this of your brother. Of course, if you are not there supervising your son- - then you shouldn't have your son visit at all unless you are supervising him. Also, you must tell your brother that he isn't allowed to physically threaten or spank your son.

It sounds like you haven't set any boundaries with your brother!

If your brother doesn't like your son playing with his kids - then he may cut off your son's access to his kids (which he is entitled to do for their safety).

Usually, 10 year olds should NOT play with other children who are quite a bit younger due to rough play that can hurt the younger kids (unintentionally of course). You must be there to directly supervise their play.

Also, your son may be a "bully". Many moms don't want to confront this issue or think of their son as being a bully. This is another reason that you may want to speak with your son about being very gentle when playing with his cousins. You also may want to speak to your son about what bullying means and how you disapprove of it.

Answer 10

Talk to your brother and let him know you don't like the way he talks to your son. Explain that you understand your child is not perfect as no child is, but if he's doing something wrong to let you know and you can handle. He may be offended or get mad, but it shouldn't last too long.