Engaged with no date?

Question

I see on here often that a girl is engaged with no date set. Now my grandparents say if you don't have a ring and you don't have a date, you just have pillow talk and you aren't engaged. I heard a similar statement on a judge show recently. You don't have a date you aren't engaged to be married. I am not sure what I think about this. I mean, obviously if there is a reason--like still in college and when I graduate we will set a date, it would be hard to know until your last semester. I mean things happen and you may need another class to graduate. Or you are focused on passing the bar and don't have time to plan a wedding, when you need to set a career in place. But in general I think those that are engaged 4 or more years with no date are living in denial. I mean he didn't set a date b/c he wants an escape route. And definitely no ring is no commitment.

What do you think? No date set for a wedding. Are you really engaged? Is there a hard and fast rule?

Answer 1

I totally agree with your grandparents - it's what my mom always told me.
Actually, if you think of it maturely, it's really true. If marriage is proposed, and a man gives a ring of a symbol of the promise to get married - then the only engagement 'time' needed is the time necessary to plan the wedding. For us, it was eight months. Depending upon where people live, sometimes you have to book things a year in advance, such as the church/minister, caterer, venue, band...
It's pretty stupid to be engaged for longer than a year - there's just no point. It's kind of like shacking up and playing house - just fun, no commitment.

Answer 2

No hard and fast rule, because each couple has a different set of circumstances. But in general, whether you have a problem depends on *how long* you are engaged without a date. Really, an engagement is an agreement to get married. The ring is just a shiny, pretty thing - it does not make or break an engagement.

The date, however, is another story. Sometimes it takes a few months to figure out what date would be best for you. In our case, it took a couple of months to set a date because we had several factors to consider - including plans for international travel and a reception in another country. If you don't have a date immediately, no problem. However, I would start to worry if you didn't have a date or at least a range of dates after about 6 months. At that point, it may be a good idea to have a chat about whether you really want to get married.

Answer 3

I do agree that no ring is no comittment. My fiance and I talked about marriage for months before the proposal, but neither of us considered us engaged until he made a formal proposal and offered a ring. Mind you, it doesn't have to be an expensive ring, but I think it goes a long way symbolically.

I also agree that there may be circumstances when setting a date is difficult, and in some of those circumstances, I still might consider it a legitimate engagement. The whole point of an engagement is to lead to marriage. If there are no concrete plans for a wedding, then there is no engagement. I think anyone engaged more than three months who has not set a date isn't engaged, no matter the extenuating circumstances (you can still set a date if one of you is studying for the bar, finishing school, is deployed in the military, etc.). If the circumstances are such that you unable to commit to a wedding date soon after the proposal, then it's not an engagement as there is is no plan. It's a wish, ring or not.

Answer 4

I have been engaged twice before with no date set. All I had was a shut-up ring. There was never a date, or even a season, or a year planned. Looking back, I wasn't really engaged.

But when my hubby proposed... we were engaged. It only took about 8 months to plan the entire thing and get married from th day he asked the question.

So yeah, I think that you aren't really engaged until you have a ring and a plan... Even if the plan is for a wedding in the spring of 2010 after you graduate/pass the bar, etc. It's still a plan.

Otherwise... your bf probably gave you a ring to shut you up so he doesn't have to hear you pester him about whether or not you are ever going to get married. Or maybe he got it because he is the jealous type and he wants other guys to know that you are taken.

I have had one of each of those types of engagement rings.

Answer 5

I agree with Bubblei, re the ring issue- not everyone does the ring thing, possibly for financial reasons, or maybe it's just not important to them. (10K for a diamond, or towards a down payment on a house, gee which should I chose?!) The date issue- it may not be a big deal initially, but I thing a date should be set within a few months of the announcement. And I think loooooong engagements (more than a year or so) are dumb- either just do it, or wait to become engaged until you're ready to just get it over with. If you don't believe you have the funds to get married, then wait to become engaged until you do have the funds. And if most people rethink the fancy dress, flowers, boozy receptions, they CAN afford to get married, now rather than later.

Answer 6

♥ I think if you have a ring you are engaged...or if you can't afford it and you just have a verbal engagement then you are engaged... a date is only as important as each couple make it. Every couple is ready at different times to get married, there should not have to have a set date right away. My fiance and I have been engaged for a little over a year and we have not yet set a date. I'm currently in college [[going to graduate April 2008]] and we would like to have our own apt/home and be financially stable before we wed. :-) Good Luck!

EDIT: To the first young lady... alot can happen in the 2 years that you have left open. What about those couples that do not have money to get married?

Answer 7

If you say "we'll set a date after we graduate" or something along those lines and you have a ring, then you are engaged. Technically, a date has been set, it's just some time after graduation, not anytime before. But if graduation (or other delaying factor) has come and gone and no official date has been set, then maybe the couple needs to rethink getting married.

Answer 8

I think that if you have been engaged for more that 6 months with no date than yes you are living in denial and you are not really engaged. Even people who say we are having a long engagement set a date in the future for their wedding. My fiance and I planned on getting married a year ago and we are set for Nov 1 2008. I completely agree with what you are saying but again their are acceptions.

Answer 9

I think if there is a ring, you're engaged. A lot of people just aren't ready to set a date or get married. I know plenty of couples who waited a few years after their engagement to get married. There is no hard and fast rule, it's different for everyone.

Answer 10

If you're in college and you want to wait until you graduate to set a date to get married, then you should wait until you graduate to get engaged. If you are studying for the bar and you want to wait until you pass to set a date to get married, then you should wait until you pass to get engaged.

If you're in the process of setting a date (which might take a month or two), then that's fine. But other than that, if you haven't set a date, then you're not engaged.