Problems with wedding finances!!!!!!?

Question

Here's my situation: My girlfriend and i recently got engaged and its a big deal because we are both only children in huge families. Her parents of course are paying for the hall and the church and the other traditional expenses that the brides parents pay for. My parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and a few hotel rooms for out-of town guests. The problem were having is that her father is dipping into his retirement fund and her mom got a second job to fund this wedding while my parents are sitting back only having to fork out a few hundred dollars for the rehearsal dinner. They arent helping pay for the wedding,they arent paying for the honeymoon and this is SOOOOO not like my parents to just skip out on helping such a huge event in their lives too. My fiancee is now very hurt and heart broken that they arent helping and its causing her to not even want to do the wedding anymore. What do i do???...i'm just so torn : ( Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!!

I'll add that we are both in our early 20's..i have a great job that pays the bills but she is still in school with no job.

Answer 1

Sounds to me like her parents need to grow a backbone and put her on a budget. She needs to tone down the wedding quite a bit. There is this attitude that the wedding needs to be this huge production. You can have a nice simple wedding and reception without spending a lot.

It is not the bride and grooms job to pay for the accomodations of the family members. If they came to any other get together- family reunion, funeral, anniversaries- they would pay for their own hotel room or stay with family- why is a wedding any different? Also I don't think that you need to serve a meal or have a full bar at your wedding either- cake, some simple appetizers that is enough. Some people just do cake and Mints. And I have never heard of the parents paying for the Honeymoon. The bride and groom take care of that on their own. The bride and groom need to find something that is within their budget.

Answer 2

Weddings are not cheap. You both are going to have to help pay for your own wedding especially since her parents don't have the funds and your parents are only paying for the rehearsal dinner. This may mean cutting things like instead of a grand banquet hall do the reception at a local community center, make the decorations yourself, cut the guestlists down to family and close personal friends. My fiance and I are going through this right now. My parents are helping a little and his parents are not helping at all even after we asked for help. They just don't have the money. The whole day is celebrating the union between you and your girlfriend. The only real thing you need for that is eachother and some family and friends. The rest is just un necessary things to throw your money away on but we all do it. I hope this helped. :0)

Answer 3

Break the traditional rules, and help them pay half of the cost. It's heartbreaking to see her parents sacrificing so much for their daughter. Tell your parents what's going on (including their sacrifices), and ask if they are willing to cover the cost too. Like split the whole event 50/50. Really, some traditions are meant to be broken ;) My husband and I both pay for our own wedding, without help from our parents. If you can't deal with issues such as this, how are you both going to face a more difficult situation in the future?

Answer 4

As grown adults, you should not be allowing the parents to pay, espically if they need to take the money out of their retirement fund to do so. That just isn't right. Pay for the kind of wedding you can afford to pay for on your own. Neither she nor you are little children, and you need to realize this is YOUR wedding, and therefore, YOUR expense to cover.

I know that traditionally parents paid for the wedding, but that was in the 1950's when wedding were much less elaborate and also when the couple were very young and the woman didn't work. Those days are over.

Answer 5

Newer wedding planning books offer a variety of options for splitting wedding costs. Go to the bookstore, find one you and your fiancee agree upon (there will be checklists saying which family pays for what - you can find one that's split 50/50) and present it to your parents. Let them know that this is customary now, and see how everyone reacts.

OR, you can do what my brothers both did when they got married. Each set of parents gave them a specific amount of money toward the wedding - an amount no one else knew about. Then, they pooled the money and threw their weddings that way. It worked beautifully. There were no hard feelings, and no one spent more than they could afford.

Answer 6

If the two of you want to ask your parents, you should sit down with them and ask. Otherwise your parents have to deal with many of their friends and family being cut to accommodate a smaller guests list. However they aren't required to chip in. They are doing what is traditional. You can't expect them to read your fiancee's mind and know she's upset.

Everyone has a wedding budget and everyone has to try and plan a wedding within that budget. It's hard but if she's worried about their retirement fund and her mother having a second job, she should plan a smaller less expensive wedding. Or the two of you should save up and add to that fund. It doesn't have to be a grand, $25,000 affaire.

Answer 7

Only thing I could suggest is both of you help pay for your wedding and get second jobs to keep the stress from being so much on her parents.

Answer 8

Well I totally feel for her. I was put in pretty much the same position, except NO ONE would help us so we ended up doing it for the cost of groceries, dress, and tux. It sucked.

But if I were I would just sit down with your parents and tell them how it is and you would GREATLY appreciate if they could help you out by paying for a few particular items.

Or you could bite the bullet and get a loan or push the date back and start planning this thing in like 2 years instead of a few months so then you guys can save and cover what your parent can't.

Answer 9

Thank both sets of parents for their generosity. If you have a wedding budget, sit down with them and suggest that if they'd care to pay for part of it as a gift, they may but that you plan on paying for the bulk of the event yourselves (and you as a couple will have the final say on what goes on). Explain to them that, while you're both very grateful for their offers, you'd feel very bad about taking money from their future and current comfort. You might also mention, in a light-hearted way, that this will prevent the in-laws from feuding over what happens, Bride's mom says she paid big bucks and so has more say than Groom's mom who didn't pay as much. Who wants to start off married life with your in-laws feuding?

My parents didn't pay for any part of my wedding, though they were very generous in helping me with funds to set up house - dishes, pots/pans, etc. His mother also didn't pay for any of the wedding but also helped us set up house. No fighting over 'well, I paid for the flowers so you're going to have roses, no matter what. I don't care if you're allergic to them, you're going to have roses!' or 'Gretta's son's cousin play s in a band, so we hired them for your wedding.'

Answer 10

Easy solution - the two of you just pay for the wedding yourselves, relieving the parents of this headache. Shows you're mature, independent, and can look out for yourselves, then you can plan the style of wedding the two of you can afford.