How do you make a 7 yr old understand that stealing is wrong?

Question

My daughter is usually a very good child. I have been having a problem with her stealing. I have tried every punishment there is, grounding, spanking, taking things away, even going so far as to tell her she is under house arrest (5 days) and that she has no priveleges, no tv, no phone, no computer, etc and must do extra chores. The first incident was gum from a store and I made her take it to the clerk, advise the clerk what she done and refused to take her in that store for a month. I even went as far as to check her pockets before we left any store for about a month. Then this a.m. I catch her with some of my change in her pocket. I threatened to call Santa Claus and spoke with her teacher about who she was hanging around at school. What more can I do? Is it to harsh to tell her Santa isn't coming and really cut back on what she gets for Christmas?

Answer 1

wow. I have a seven year old. I would say that if my daughter did that her world would crash down around her. If I were to analyze the situation, I think that you have tried to many things. I would go for more consistency. Right now if she steals, she does not know what will happen. Kids work best when they know what will happen exactly. Also, I like to leave myself a trump (lol, that is what I call it). When I give a punishment, I don't make it so harsh that I can't step it up. I mean if my child will do something worse, than I have to be able to step up the punishment... I need to always be able to trump her. I dont' think Santa Clause was a good idea because you can't go further. Nothing is above that. You have played your last card and she hasn't. Now what? that is what I mean by, always leave yourself a trump card.

I would first look at the situation. Does she get attention. Maybe she figures bad attention is better than no attention. I would look at what she is taking. Maybe she needs to learn long term gratifacation. does she get enough praise and rewards for the behavior that you appreciate in her? Also I would look at any new things in her life. You mentioned that you look at who she hangs out with, that is good. What else? Would she tell you if something is bothering her? Does she get an allowance so she can work for what she wants?

Always before I punish I reward. But in this case, I would just skip right to a consequence. I would pick one and make sure it is one that she HATES. And consistently use that one every single time. No mercy. ALWAYS follow through. And dont' make her feel like a bad person. When my daughter does things (and all kids in a healthy family atmosphere, will try terrible things to test the waters) I still treat her like a good person who is getting punished for a bad decision (not for being bad).

Answer 2

Parents should consider whether the child has stolen out of a need for more attention. In these cases, the child may be expressing anger or trying to "get even" with his or her parents; the stolen object may become a substitute for love or affection. The parents should make an effort to give more recognition to the child as an important family member.

If parents take the proper measures, in most cases the stealing stops as the child grows older. Child and adolescent psychiatrists recommend that when parents find out their child has stolen, they:

tell the child that stealing is wrong
help the youngster to pay for or return the stolen object
make sure that the child does not benefit from the theft in any way
avoid lecturing, predicting future bad behavior, or saying that they now consider the child to be a thief or a bad person
make clear that this behavior is totally unacceptable within the family tradition and the community
When the child has paid for or returned the stolen merchandise, the matter should not be brought up again by the parents, so that the child can begin again with a "clean slate."

If stealing is persistent or accompanied by other problem behaviors or symptoms, the stealing may be a sign of more serious problems in the child's emotional development or problems in the family. Children who repeatedly steal may also have difficulty trusting others and forming close relationships. Rather than feeling guilty, they may blame the behavior on others, arguing that, "Since they refuse to give me what I need, I will take it." These children would benefit from an evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist.

In treating a child who steals persistently, a child and adolescent psychiatrist will evaluate the underlying reasons for the child's need to steal, and develop a plan of treatment. Important aspects of treatment are helping the child learn to establish trusting relationships and helping the family to support the child in changing to a more healthy path of development.

Answer 3

When I had this problem with my daughter at 6 yrs old I talked to her and told her that stealing was the same as lying. My child responded to the fact that both acts hurt other people. She thought just taking the change from her cousins piggy bank wasn't a big deal. When I explained that her cousin had been saving for a new toy she understood that what she had done was wrong. Maybe if you make sure she understands that stealing makes you a theif and theives get in more trouble as they grow older (jail or something like that), she will grasp what she is doing is wrong. If that doesn't work you could watch her at the store and if you see her steal have the shop keeper bust her not you. Have the owner of the store scold her or whatever they do to people who steal. If she sees that there are other people (not just you) who think stealing is wrong it may change her opinion of it. If all else fails I think you are right, Santa doesn't heap piles of presents on those who misbehave. I hope you find a solution that works well for you. Good Luck!

Answer 4

Children face a tough world too. Santa and X-mas are two little joys they still have and nothing should come between them and their happiness that day when they are so young. Discipline her in a different way that has nothing to do with holidays or birthdays. If you keep trying you will find which discipline works for her, whether it be taking other priveleges, corner time or even something more severe like community service. Just remember she's just a little girl and what she does now does not necessarily impact what she does later. I stole as a child because I wanted attention and love from my mom...when I didn't get it I got mad and stole from her.

Answer 5

Hmm she might be doing it because she sees something she wants but maybe cannot get it with money so she just takes it.

With that I suggest an allowance. Start her off with whatever amount you want and tell her that you will give her money (when you want) but she has to earn it...like doing chores or whatever.

Then tell her that she can use her money that she has earned to buy whatever she wants.

BUT

if she steals, then the money she earned is taken away.

So let's say you start out with $5 a week. She does her chores and gets $5 at the end of the week on Friday. She then buys some gum.

or she might save it and earn $10 and buy something more expensive.

But if she earns $5 but steals something she loses that 5 dollars. Further she has to pay of her own money for the stolen item. So if she steals gum she has to pay for it...but she does not get to have any. If she keeps it up she has to do 2 weeks of chores for nothing...then a month.

The point of it is to have her earn her own money so she can buy what she wants...teach her money management and maybe help her stop stealing.

Answer 6

Let a police officer talk to her, I did that with one of my clients who had trouble stealing and lying about it. She was 9 but she just didn't seem to get that it wasn't borrowing, it was stealing. If that is an issue too (she thinks she's just borrowing) then 'borrow' from her so she can see how it feels. I think the whole Santa/cut back on gifts thing could work. Maybe get her something she wants and show it to her, telling her if she can go w/o stealing for (this long) she can earn that toy as a late Christmas gift... but Santa told mom he wasn't ready for her to have it just yet.

Answer 7

I believe that telling your daughter that Santa isn't coming because she's stealing will not solve your problem in the long run. Eventually she will find out that Santa doesn't come anyway, and you were lying to her for all those years...
I agree that explaining the situation to her will solve your problem. I had a son who was doing the same thing. We call it stealing, he would say he was "looking after" it. He loves money, and whenever he could he would stash whatever he found. We tried all types of punishment, but in the long run the explanation and discussion that what he was doing was wrong was the winner. We made a behaviour reward chart, and set him goals to earn a certain amount for various jobs.. etc. We then left carrots (small amounts of money) around the house, and he never touched it. He had his behaviour goal chart, and now gets to spend what he wants in accordance with his deeds.
Perhaps you need to sit down and talk to your daughter about why she finds it necessary to pocket stuff instead of asking for it. If you always say no when she asks you for something, then perhaps you could work on a rewards system with her where she earns her money and she can save for what she wants, instead of resorting to what we call stealing. If that doesn't work, then try the other law enforcing suggestions.

Answer 8

Firstly, if you threaten her with something then you really must follow up on it or she will not believe you with other things. Can we suggest that you take her to your local police station and speak to someone there. You could ask if they could lock her in a cell for 10-15 minutes and have an officer tell her exactly what happens to people who steal.
We had a similar problem with our eldest when she was a very young age.....she was stealing little toys that her friends brought to school, stole sweets from a shop when she was with us, and stole money from us. We took her to our local police station, told them what she'd done and they put her in a cell for 10 mins. She was told what happens to people who steal and she never did it again....ever! A couple of friends of ours had similar problems with their kids and we advised them to do the same as we did....it really works and our local police were really helpful with it too.
Give your local police a call and explain the situation beforehand so that if it occurs again you can take her to them or just do it anyway seeing as how she has already been stealing. Unfortunately, due to her age she probably thinks there's not a lot, legally, that can be done so you have to shock her.
We don't think it is too harsh to cut back on what she gets for Christmas or you could even not give her anything until the next day or use her gifts as rewards for good behaviour. Stealing is a serious issue and unless you deal with it now while she is young it could get to be a more serious problem in the future. (we're in the UK) Good Luck. xx

Answer 9

Tell her so; that it's not right. Explain to her that stealing is taking something from someone else and ask her how she'd feel if someone were to steal her favourite item, her favourite doll for example. Tell her that stealing can also taking something someone has worked hard for, ask her how she's feel if someone had taken that painting she put so much effort into. What I'm basically trying to say is to put her in an example situation [through talking, I'm not suggesting you steal from her], so she can try to understand.
You should continue to go through her pockets, and reward start up a reward system. If she doesn't steal for, say after 3 shopping trips she earns a star or something that will lead to a much bigger 'prize'.
I don't think you should tell her Santa isn't coming and cut back on her presents. When she finds out Santa doesn't exist it could hurt her - I know a friend who absolutely despises Christmas just because she found out her mother lied to her about Santa all those years. I'm not joking.

Answer 10

I would do more as far as punishment. You have to let her know and let her know in no uncertain terms that stealing is wrong. I would tell Santa Claus about her behavior and make sure you follow up on the threat and limit the items at christmas.