my daughter won't speak to me because she says i bullied/neglected her as a chil.d. i sent her a lot of money one birthday. she never thanked me and still doesn't want contact. i've stopped bothering sending cards. i heard through a relative that my daughter has complained that i don't send her stuff any more. what's the point when the effort is not reciprocated?
2007-11-18 23:17:47 · 46 answers · asked by ellen s 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
well, let me try to give you a little perspective where your daughter is coming from. It sounds like there are some deep wounds between the two of you, and she's having a hard time healing from them. Although she's reacting badly by pushing you away, it's not that she doesn't care about you (clearly, otherwise she wouldn't have complained to a relative) instead it's just that she doesn't know how to cope.
She feels that she was hurt by you, and she wants you to make it up to her. She wants to pull away and she wants evidence that your love for her is unconditional in spite of her pulling away. Its almost like she's testing you - how easily can she get you to stop loving her? So if you stop contacting her when she stops acknowledging, she'll take it as more evidence that you don't really love her very much, and she will be all the more hurt. Whereas if you continue to reach out no matter what, this will be comforting to her that nothing can erase a mother's love, even if there have been problems and wounds.
I don't know if that makes sense. Its like she feels that you hurt her, and now she wants you to work to get her back. She wants you to prove yourself to her, she wants to be kind of "hard to get" and she wants to see how much effort you will go to, in order to claim her back. The question in her mind is, how much am I worth to you?
You don't need to send stuff, or money, though. Please do keep sending cards at least. I'd also suggest letters. I'd also maybe, if it isn't too hard, pick up the phone at regular intervals - first sunday of every month? Holidays? Birthdays? Even if she doesn't answer, leave a message, tell her you miss her and you're thinking about her and hope to talk to her soon.
Even if she takes a while to start to respond to this contact, you will be comforting her in a deep way by letting her know that you miss her and haven't forgotten that she is your daughter.
I am not condoning what she is doing by the way. She is wrong to cut you off like that and I'm sorry for the rejection you're facing - I think children often expect their parents to forever be the mature "adult" and children expect that even when they reach adulthood, it's still their right to play that part of the pouting, tantrum-ing child. Children don't realize that as they reach adulthood, it becomes their responsibility to play an adult role in their relationships too. She's still acting the part of the pouting child, waiting for mommy to make it better. But, that's where she's coming from, and the best thing you can do is realize the pain behind it. Also to realize that no matter what else, she is DEEPLY impacted by her perception of your love or lack thereof, and needs it deeply, even when she seems to discard it. Even if she rejects your efforts from here on out, take comfort in the fact that you ARE making a difference to her if you reach out to her, even when she ignores you. You'd be doing the right thing and taking the high road, and it will go a long ways to healing the hurts of the past. Family is forever and I really think it isn't too late to heal things with you and your daughter - obviously you both still have a very deep attachment to each other which will never go away entirely.
2007-11-19 00:14:52 · answer #1 · answered by Janelle 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
That depends. DID you bully/neglect her as a child? If you did then you should apologize in whatever way she needs you to and accept the fact that you did something that you can not take back. She will probably forever resent you for taking away the happy childhood that every child deserves no matter what you do.
If she's not speaking to you then why would you expect a response when you send her a lot of money? Did you think that that would make up for the abuse that she feels she has suffered? She probably felt you were trying to buy her forgiveness which cheapens the hurt that she feels you have caused her. The fact that you expected a reply seems to me that you were trying to buy a response from her.
If you love her and want to send her a card, then do. But, if your relationship is so bad, you may just cause her more hurt by reminding her every holiday/bday by sending a card that she still isn't able to have a good relationship with you.
Unless she's completely nuts-o you probably did do something to her to make her feel this way. Maybe you should reflect on that and if you come to understand why she's upset with you and can show her that you understand (whether you agree or not) then she may be able to have some sort of relationship with you.
2007-11-18 23:29:44 · answer #2 · answered by heidi3332 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Birthday Card For My Daughter
2016-11-06 22:47:50 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She may not be ready to talk to you yet, but if you stop sending her things, she'll feel like you've forgotten or don't care about her anymore. She was in control as long as you were making the effort because she had the power to decide if she would reciprocate or not. But when you took it back, it upset her. But whether she ever does reciprocate is up to her. You'll have the peace of mind that at least you tried. Keep trying. If she's complaining about you not sending her things, maybe there's still a chance she'll come around. Don't lose faith; anything's possible.
2007-11-18 23:23:07 · answer #4 · answered by Mandy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Ellen,
Have you tried making things right with her? Have you taught your daughter the value and transcendence of grace and forgiveness? Teach your daughter what love really is. Go to her and ask for forgiveness for anything that you may have done in the past. She will soon be experiencing the same feelings that you had when she was growing up. Explain what you were going through so that she doesn't continue the same cycle of behavior. She not only wants you but desperately needs you and your love. Love your child and they will grow like a tall tree with deep roots bearing lots of fruit, yielding much shade, and never faltering when the storm comes. You may feel as though you will be "giving in" to her but what you don't realize is that love is multiplied when it is given and you can never give away all your love; it always comes back greater than when you gave it away! ;>
2007-11-18 23:34:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just continuw to send her stuffs and specially to greet her on her birthdays and send her cards during special occassions because there'll always comes a time when she will thin k that she has still a family who loves her despite of what had happened. Time can heal all wounds and time can forget all the pains. Love is the greatest after all she is still your daughter and you are still her mother. The daughter can forget the mother but a mother can never forget her daughter no matter what pains that had happened to both. There is always room for reconciliation. WE must just ask God through Jesus Christ for guidance so that He will direct our path . With God everything is possible.
2007-11-18 23:31:10 · answer #6 · answered by jean 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Birthday Ecards For Daughter
2017-01-04 08:10:51 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
instead of sending her something, have you thought maybe you could call her and say happy birthday? i don't know if that would work or not but she sure isn't appreciating what you have tried to do obviously. i didn't have the best relationship growing up with my mother and i was a real nasty girl about it. but i did realize hey she's a human and most of all she's my mom. she isn't perfect and neither am i. so maybe she'll come around as well......i wouldn't send her any money in the meantime unless she is in some sort of dire strait and needs it really bad...but i would definately give her a surprise happy birthday or merry christmas telephone call and i would probably go ahead and send her cards. show her that even though she is being spiteful you aren't going to sink to that and give her the satisifaction of having that to complain about.
2007-11-18 23:23:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Send her cards and letters but forget about all the monetary things-she wants to know that you really love her.
I have lots of exp. with troubled kids too Ellen if you want to talk more. She sounds like she needs to grow up some and will eventually, these things take time. Is she still a teenager??
2007-11-19 05:02:34 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some people are afraid to put money in the mail. The letter could get lost or stolen and there is no way to replace it. Mail theft goes up this time of year (at least here in the states it does). Gift cards are OK but by the time you realize it was stolen, the thief cashed in on it. Checks made out to the parents is safer, then the parents can give the cash to the kids.
2016-04-04 22:08:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋