when i get angry at my girlfriend i get mean and say hurtful things to hurt her because i am mad, wat can ido?

Question

-I get angry over serious things and feel resentment about them, to the point that i wear her out.
-I am verbally abusive because my dad was.
-I retract my statements as soon as i realize what i said.
-I do a lot for her and feel that she is ungrateful.
-I want her to be less of an opponent and more help.
-I say things that i know will hurt her because i am mad.
-I don't want to do this but i can't control my anger at this point.
-I have tried to get her to let me calm down but she won't always give me space.(she does not want it always to be on my convenience).
- I want to find a way to stop myself.
For example condition me. Does anybody have any good ideas that would make me succeed in stopping the hurtful comments.

Answer 1

Anger Management, yes...and you are right, you have to stop.

Use the time out method which is a brief separation, a way to stop the conflict and a way to build trust.
Explain the timeouts to her ahead of time. When u need to take a timeout, make sure she understands that you are taking a timeout and not just walking away or leaving her. Promise each other that u will come back to the problem and finish talking about it when the timeout is over.
In your Time-Out
1- You can identify your feelings
2- You communicate with your partner about your feelings
3- Is an agreed upon strategy between you and your partner and was discussed before conflict occurs (Proactive)
4- You take responsibility for your feelings, beliefs and actions during the conflict.
5- The intent is conflict resolution.
6- Time away is spent focusing on self and working to solve an issue.
7- You return with ideas for change that are focused on ways you can do things differently.

And about your dad thing, is just a poor excuse. Your past shouldn't be a problem. You are big enough and mature enough to know your dad was not doing good in the past, why somebody will do the same thing if they didn't like it? You should remember him when you are acting like that and remember what you felt being in your girlfriend position, maybe that will make you stop.
But you can be worst, like...not retracting your statements as soon as you realize what you said. That means a lot, saying "i am sorry" as soon as you say them. It can be much worst! Imagine hitting her and not even caring after you do it and so on. So, your doing good just by admitting you have a problem. Next step is the anger management courses. You are doing good and she is doing good too, she's still there.

Answer 2

I some times struggle with the same problems, it is usually over stupid things. Remember that two wrongs don't make a right, and more unkind words stoke the fires of resentment further. Try thinking before you speak, and sometimes it's just easier to say you're right and I'm wrong just to end an argument. There is no room for pride in a relationship if you want it to last. Be more assertive, and less aggressive, sometimes you can also diffuse a situation with logic. Just because your father was a certain way , do you really want to be like that? Last but not least if you love her you can forgive her.

Answer 3

Im very much like you and my 3 year relationship recently ended over it. Your girlfriend needs to understand that you say hurtful things when you're angry and you don't mean it. The best thing to do when you get angry is take a deep breath and count to 10. Think about what you're going to say and if she goads you into saying anything more, go sit in the bathroom for a while til your temper cools. If she gets angry at you leaving, tell her its because you love her and dont want to say hurtful things while you're worked up.

Answer 4

go to anger management....or maybe see a psychiatrist. It wont mean your crazy, just that you seem to have a lot of your past controlling who you are now. The way you carry your emotions, how you express yourself, etc. Since you may have never been taught the appropriate to handle them, you dont really know how, and you use the only way you have known. And anger management course may only tell you what you already know, but psychiatrist will help you go back in your life, and correct yourself, and possibly help you control yourself a lil better.

Answer 5

Get away from her and wait for perfection. I took my time with life and didnt just settle. Im 35 now,about to turn 36 and I found it 2 and 1/2 years ago. Weve been together ever since and yeah we fight but she has NEVER said a hurtful word to me. She thinks before she speaks and I like to think that I do likewise.

Answer 6

You need to go to counseling and learn to control your anger. In the meanwhile, you need to let her go so she is free to find someone else. She deserves to be in a healthy relationship and you are not able to be in one. You blame her for your actions and that is a cop out. There is not justification for being abusive. You have issues and need therapy. You blame her to make yourself feel better about your shameful actions.

It will only get worse if you don't get help.

Answer 7

i mean no insult, but it would be really good for you to see some sort of counselor. Even marital or couples therapy might help, so you could each see your part, and each of you could work on your own stuff.

Your anger triggers very fast, and you need someone to help you learn to ID triggers BEFORE you are fully angry. There is very little that will help after you get angry, but seeing your face & expression in a mirror might help.

But please, try to see someone who is trained.
============
this group might help.

http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/

Answer 8

WoW i think we are brothers i am the same way...i get mad over anything she says, but enough about me, what helps me is just thinking about other things , my job really helped me because i would get the space i needed from her, just try to relax theres no reason to get mad remember sticks and stones, try to be nice

Answer 9

I think some professional help would be good.
You've had a rough past, so you are not doing this on purpose.
I think therapy would be best :)
Hopefully then you can live a healthy, not-hurtful life and have a relationship!

Answer 10

Anger Management classes... and therapy for you both...