What to when your wife and mother don't speak?

Question

My wife and my mother are not in speaking terms. My wife says my mother hurt her but my mother says she's done nonething wrong. I have spoken to my mom about this, yet, my mother refuses to repair the damage. This hurts me becuase my kids are loyal to their mom, and don't seem to care about my mother in their life. Its hurts me more that she is not around to see my kids during the holidays and birthdays.

Answer 1

This is pretty sad. You should talk to your wife and let her know how bad this hurts you. I have had similar instances with my in laws, but out of respect and love for my husband I put forth a little extra effort to at least be cordial and try to let the children see their family.Explain to your wife that you still love your mother dearly, just as your children love HER and that you'd like for her to at least try for your sake. good luck. Are you Christians? I ask that because the Bible says that the man is the head of the woman...this is complicated...
I don't believe you should "side" with anyone, of course you are to respect your wife, however, I think she should do the same for you, and that means understanding that you and the children are caught in the middle. Maybe you should let her know that you do understand her feelings but you are in a bad position...
In a nutshell, I personally think that your wife should learn what it means to "honor" her husband.

Answer 2

I've been married to my wife for 30 years and we have had her mother living with us for 26 years. In those 26 years I have seen my wife's mother be-little her , tell her she's a bad mother, snap at her grandchildren and five years ago tell me that "I ruined the family" where this came from who knows. Well it's been 5 years now that I basically wrote off the MIL and I will not speak or be in the same area with her...I could only take so much verbal abuse from her all geared to her "only child" and her 3 beautiful and successful grandchildren and then me. This woman has had a wonderful home life after her husband died 23 years ago...we have supported her and given her room to have a private yet comfortable home with us but I guess this wasn't enough. My thoughts are she's jealous of her daughter for having 3 children and having a hard working supportive husband....this is something she never had, her husband was very sick most of his life and needed care from her and having the only child never really was a parent.
Anyways....it's all a learning experience for us...I will never live with my children and put the pressure on them as we had to endure.

Answer 3

You have to honor your wife. Something has gone on there and it's not good. You could definitely maintain a relationship with your mother and you could bring the children over to see her. But you are vague as to what is going on. So it's hard to give good advice. What is it that your wife is saying she did? If she is cutting off your mother that is a very serious thing for someone to do unless your wife has other issues and you aren't saying that she does. However, all of that aside. You must honor your wife. She comes first. Sad that you can't find a way for all of this to work out. I wish we had more information because I feel I'm not helping at all and I'm sorry. Good luck.

Answer 4

There's no question, you're in a tough spot but your loyalty should be to your wife. But have you explained to your mother that she's missing out on time with her grand kids? Have you asked both women to put their personal hurt aside in the interest of the children? If they really can't work their issue out, can't they at least agree that it's important to let the grandparents be a part of the children's lives? I hope this helps. All the best to you .

Answer 5

Well I have always wondered about the timing not when one or the other came first. I think your children come first. They totaly rely on you to support care and love them. They look up to you. That is until a certain point. You will still love them and care for them but once they reach a certain age they go on and lead their own lives and you and your husband get to once again experience life as a couple who dont have children to look after and you can do things you couldnt do when your children were around. I would say you are a mother first above all else until they are old enough and able to take care of their selves. Your husband can take care of himself without you he can still survive and thrive but if your childen didnt have you they would be lost and lonely. To them you are everything.

Answer 6

Mom23 is soooo correct!!! It is automatically assumed the the mother-in-law is always at fault. Because of this attitude daughter-in-laws are able to get away with so much. There should not be a competition between wife and mother. Wives need to learn their husband should have enough love for both.

It is a complete shame your children have no interest in their Grandmother's life. Your wife should never included them in this mess.

Your wife is selfish and self centered for allowing this situation to escalate into this. Her point of view on you mother should NEVER of been instilled in your children. That is wrong, wrong, wrong. Regardless of you wife and mother's relationship you need to start working on repairing the son/mother/grandmother/grandchildren relationship.

Answer 7

I don't understand why allot of answerer's have told you that you must take your wife's side. There is no reason to tace any-ones side....and why they said your mother should apologize so she can be part of your family, Do Mother in laws have to kiss butt and grovel to be in their children and grandchildren lives ? !! They shouldn't have to but that seems to be what people are telling you. There is no reason for you and your family to stay away from your mother, so what if your wife and mom don't speak...they don't have to love each other do they ? Just as long as they are both civil during visits there is no need to cut anyone out of your life...and you should tell them BOTH that ! Your Mother should NOT have to grovel to your wife to be a part of your life.

Answer 8

You have to understand that after being the sole care taker of ur life for 20-30 years, ur mom has to accept the entry of another lady, who will take most of her son's time & attention. And elderly people have to deal with many issues... feeling of loss in this case being the main one.
You've spoken to ur mom, but have u spoken to ur wife about it? Do u know what exactly is the issue? Was it something ur mom said or did? if yes, try to know what it was... "exactly". Then u decide for urself if ur wife is over-reacting, or if she is justified in being hurt.
Whatever be the case, ask your wife to forgive & forget, because we must not hurt elderly people. Their blessings are most valuable, and your kids need their presence in their lives in order to have a good upbringing, which consists of sharing & giving & adjusting with each other.
If your kids see their mom being stubborn about relatinships, that is the way they will behave with you both ( their own parents ) when they grow up.
So, in order to have a good family environment, you & your wife must make efforts to mend the relationship you both have with your mom. You need to set a good example for ur kids to follow.
Agreed that you must support ur wife, but that doesnt mean you must choose between the two. If ur wife loves u enough, she will try to make an effort of mending the bond with her mother-in-law.
Remember, you are what you are because of ur parents. Dont ever make them feel alone. They need you.

Answer 9

i read this thing somewhere that i swear it works. i find out something that they have in common, some activity that they both love doing. or some secret passion that is common to both of them. then book them at some resort that offers such activities, book them into the same suite. believe me they will sort out their differences whether they want to or not, and end up being the best of friends.

if that doesnt work (of course people are different) then accept that they just have to be different. work on the differences, in such a way that it wont affect your family

and RicosLo is right. talk to especially your wife, ask her to make some effort for the sake of the kids at least.

regards and all the best

Answer 10

Put the wife first, but also let her know that it this hurts you. With respect to your mom, I think it just needs time, as time passes on she should change her opinion. Moms, as stuborn as they can be, always have a soft side for their kids.

Hey- hope that all works out with you.