"My family is very inspiring to me. They give me a lot of motivation. I want to be successful in life for them, and so that I can be there for them when I am older. Therefore, it is important for me to attend a good college and earn a job in order to support myself and them. I want everyone to be able to see each other on holidays like we do now. I want to have a successful life so that I can take care of myself and won’t have to be so dependent on my parents, aunts, or uncles. Hopefully, in the future I will be able to be as helpful to future generations as my family has been for me."
2007-11-18 15:04:58 · 5 answers · asked by 54321 2 in Education & Reference ➔ Other - Education
This is a very strong closing paragraph. However it could be made stronger. Here is how I would improve it:
1.My family is a major source of inspiration and motivation in my life sounds better than "My family is very inspiring to me. They give me a lot of motivation.".
2. I would remove "for them, and" from the middle of your third sentence. This is a smoother way to phrase that.
3. Use a better describing word than"good".
4.Use the word recieve instead of earn and add a describing word (high paying,respectable,etc.)
5. Add an explanation of how a job would help everyone to see each other on holidays.
6. The rest is good. You are a great writer. I hope i helped you.
2007-11-18 15:24:02 · answer #1 · answered by Alyssa181 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My family is so inspiring and they give me the motivation i have to be successful in life. It is imparative for me to attend a good college and get a good job in order to support them and myself. Then I will have my independence and not have to rely on my family.I want everyone to be able to see eachother on holidays as we do now, and enjoy the other thigs we do together. Hopefully i'll be able to help future generations as much as my family now has helped me.
that better?
2007-11-18 15:19:59 · answer #2 · answered by CarlosA 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I want to learn so that I can get into a position where I can support myself and no longer be as dependent upon my Parents, Aunts and uncles as I have been up until now and so that I can provide as much support and motivation for others as my family has supported and motivated me.
2007-11-18 15:22:09 · answer #3 · answered by Al B 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The only thing that I can suggest is in the 3rd sentence, get rid of the "and" after the comma. I don't think it is really necessary. Otherwise, it looks good.
2007-11-18 15:16:48 · answer #4 · answered by Nathan H. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
from your heart
2007-11-21 15:16:56 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋