Christians: How does one decide how far is appropriate in a relationship?

Question

I'm a 19 year old university student, and I'm only just beginning to get involved in serious relationships (well, more so ones that put a lot of pressure on you sexually). My question is about sexual boundaries pertaining to Christianity.

I've been talking to my counsellor, and he thought that now that things are getting serious, it might be a good idea to decide how far is appropriate (so that I don't end up doing something impusive with a guy in my room at 2:00 am, while other parts of my body other than my brain are doing the thinking)

I've never had sex before. I was raised to believe that sex comes after marriage. However, there are a wide range of activities that don't constitute as "sex" per se. I just need some help deciding where to draw the line (holding hands, kissing, french kissing, heavy petting, touching, oral etc).

I don't think the bible talks of this explicitly, but I might be wrong. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks! =)

racer51: Just for your information, I haven't touched the thumbs down button (I'm still in the process of reading the answers), the thumbs down you see are from answerers to each other. =)

Answer 1

Tink, what a rare and lovely young woman you are! As a Mom, I would want to say, wait! You are more valuable than giving yourself to someone who may not have feelings from the heart. Please try to remember that there is sex and there is making love! Two very different ways in which humans, "mate." One is for pleasure only, the other, is for sharing of the heart, the drive to please your loved one, a desire only for one another and a love, blessed by God!

Most young people today, have no clue the beauty shared between two who love one anohter and whose love is blessed, by God! This is so sad to me! In as much, I pray that God will show you limits and give you His strength to overcome that which the flesh craves. I pray that when you give yourself, it will be to the man, God has made, just for you!!

God bless you, know that I will remain in prayer and ask you to pray that God will guide you through, until HE sends the ONE, your heart desires!!

Blessings,
Gail

Answer 2

I've been out of college for a couple of years now, but I remember having that exact same question when I was your age. I apologize if the language I'm going to use is too exlpicit, but I remember being confused sometimes by how people seemed to just dance around the issue.

It's easy to think that sexual activities just short of penis-in-vagina (I'll call it "intercourse") are somehow totally different than intercourse proper. But in practice, the line between having oral sex and having intercourse is pretty thin.

Just practically speaking, if you start making oral sex a regular feature of a relationship, you will eventually get to a point where it seems pretty pointless not to just be going all the way.

Biblically speaking, sexual difference - that is, the fact that men have penises and women have vaginas - was created for marriage. Adam's recognition of sexual difference in Genesis 2:23 provides the reason for marriage in 2:24. "Becoming one flesh" requires that the man first "leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife" (and vice versa).

The kind of joy that Adam found in discovering Eve's sexual difference isn't limited to just intercourse. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, heavy petting, anal sex - all of this is a joyful use of the penis and/or vagina.

Christianly speaking, all of this joyful use should be reserved for marriage. Since French kissing doesn't have anything to do with the penis and vagina, it's probably okay - although you'll probably soon discover that hot and heavy kissing sessions can lead pretty easily into getting the genitals involved, too.

Anyways, all of this is really difficult. If you don't manage to live perfectly according to the demands of chastity, don't despair! Don't forget that God loves you and understands how difficult having a sex drive can be (after all, Jesus had one!).

Peace of Christ be with (and sorry this was so long!)

Answer 3

Ok-while this may be headed into a very serious relationship,keep in mind-you are only 19, no need to rush into anything. I too believe in no sex before marriage, but I also know the temptations are very real. Take it one step at a time-holding hands, kissing,etc. If you are willing-seek out a youth pastor for some couseling on this matter. Otherwise, pray and ask God's guidance . Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you. You will just know what is right when the time comes. I think for now, just limit it to kissing, holding hands and things like cuddling while watching tv together or talking.

Answer 4

Ok..perhaps it would be easier if I just related a few stories from working with both teens and young college students.

1) I can remember how devestated a young lady was when she discovered her "oral" had been recorded on video phone. Think about that one.

2) I've had to council some young men on having same material on their phone...turns out this might not be so uncommon as young ladies may think.

3) when it comes to crossing the line, just simply ask "why don't you ask me to marry you?" surprising how the answers back are "we're too young" (but not too young to be a parent), or "I'm not ready for that type of commitment (but being a mother is a temporary committment).

I know...you've said you want to draw the line before sex...but just remember, some activity can't take place on a park bench. Kissing, French kissing, yes...heavy petting and more...not so much out in the public. Lesson I'm trying to pass on here, is if the activity needs to be done in private, well, that's when the line you've drawn gets mighty close, and sadly...I've also had to council young women who wanted to say "no", tried to say "no" and found out "no" wasn't what her new boyfriend was hearing.

My prayers are for you to have the strength to hold to your convictions. I was 34 when I married my wife...and to find she held herself pure, waiting for me...wow...that's about all I can say...is her efforts to preserve herself, is something I will never forget, nor will I ever dishonor.

† Travelling Prayer Warrior †

Answer 5

In truth, you shouldn't even be alone with the opposite sex because 1) the Bible says "the heart is treacherous" and you could easily do something you'll later regret 2) you could be over-powered if things do get too hot and heavy and you try to stop.
Sexual relations is supposed to be limited to marital relationships ONLY (and sometimes not even then if the Bible says it's an "unclean" act) which would include:
Mutual masterbation, oral sex, anal sex, intercourse, phone/cyber sex, masterbating for each other.
I'll look up some scriptural references and post them...

Salena already posted the scriptural references, so I'll just leave you with a link.
http://www.watchtower.org/e/20040722a/article_01.htm "What's wrong with premarital Sex?"

Answer 6

Ask HER first. Then go out to someplace public, pizza place, ice cream shop, whatever, and just talk privately then let it develop from there. And "age difference" from 17 to 15 is no big deal. (btw, if she thinks you should talk to her daddy first, then do that.) Do avoid being alone together, at 17 and 15, you're already at the age when most of the Hebrew Testament figures, especially girls, were making babies. And Mary was probably 15 or 16 when Jesus was born. Watch out for those (God-given) hormones! Blessings on your Journey!

Answer 7

I am a roman catholic male from INDIA. and according to our religion sex can be had only after marriage, as you rightly say. If there is a guy you like and would like to spend the rest of your life with him maybe holding hands is Ok. The kissing and the rest you should do after marrying him.Youre talking of serious relationships, but for the sake of your soul stick to ONLY ONE relationship., because after death many souls end up in purgatory for sins of impurity.

Answer 8

step #1;
don't bring guys home if you are alone with them.
2;
don't be alone with them elsewhere.
3;
don't do things that others should not see you doing.
[how would your grandmother react if she saw this?]

ok,, now you have some guidelines.
mostly, you need to remember that if you are doing something that arouses you into a hasty choice, you are also causing arousal for the guy.
this is unfair to both of you. Get to know him, his personality, his ideas, dreams, aspirations....
if you find that you love him, marry him.
Neither of you should be like a used car; taken for a test drive.
Anything you do, even if there is no immediate result,i.e.,
diseases, pregnancy, etc., there is the result of having the memory all of your life, and very possibly guilt feelings.
Make sober choices and don't have regrets.

Answer 9

Claps for saving yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Along with all other kinds of sexual immorality, sex before marriage / premarital sex is repeatedly condemned in Scripture (Acts 15:20; Romans 1:29; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13,18; 7:2; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible promotes abstinence before marriage. Sex before marriage is just as wrong as adultery and other forms of sexual immorality, because they all involve having sex with someone you are not married to. Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations that God approves of (Hebrews 13:4).

Sex before marriage has become so common for many reasons. Far too often we focus on the “recreation” aspect of sex without recognizing the “re-creation” aspect. Yes, sex is pleasurable. God designed it that way. He wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity (within the confines of marriage). However, the primary purpose of sex is not pleasure, but rather reproduction. God does not outlaw sex before marriage to rob us of pleasure, but to protect us from unwanted pregnancies and children born to parents who do not want them or are not prepared for them. Imagine how much better our world would be if God’s pattern for sex was followed: fewer sexually transmitted diseases, fewer un-wed mothers, fewer unwanted pregnancies, fewer abortions, etc. Abstinence is God’s only policy when it comes to sex before marriage. Abstinence saves lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations the proper value, and most importantly honors God.






God Bless

Answer 10

Drawing a boundary line is not going to cut it. I really respect what you said that you did not have sex before. God will honor that. I know some of the subjects they were saying is not found in the Bible. I do not believe that. Why? Thanks for asking... Reading the Word of God and not studying of it and not asking God to reveal to you what it mean of the passage is hard to take it. If you are Christian, you have the Holy Spirit living in you and He will reveal it to you what it means. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools [a] despise wisdom and discipline." Proverbs 1:7. Reverent God is the key for wisdom. I know you keep your virginity because you reverent God. Asking different people giving you different answer. But ask God first and He will gives you the final answer. The Bible said our body is not our but God's."Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;" 1 Cor. 6:18-19. Our body is the temple of Holy Spirit. Can we defile it? Yes! but we will pay the consequences of it and its not good at all. Doing sin is fun but paying the consequences is not fun at all. If it's not glorifying God is not for you. The question is do you need it or do you want it? Is it necessary or not? Is it going to bless me later on or going to curse me?
I hope my answer helps... May the blessing, love, joy, peace of our Lord Jesus Christ Reigns in your heart always....