How do we let our children know that there are actually four of them?

Question

My husband and I have Quadruplets. After years of trying to get pregnant we went to in vitro and I got pregnant with Quads. At 31 weeks I underwent my C-Section and came out with 4 very small babies.
Luke Carter (The big boy; most lively energitic crazy climbing little boy.)
Sophia Grace (Our princess; Sweet but shes a diva at heart)
Clayton Joshua (Bookworm; an observor He has always been incredibly interested in the world around him)
Jade Isabella (she was the tiniest little thing I had ever seen; the smallest out of everyone.)

After 8 days we lost little Jade. It was heart wrenching but there wasnt much time to grieve. We had to stay strong so that the other babies could be strong.

3 years down the road my husband and I want to know the best way to tell our children that they have a sister she just isnt with us anymore? Should we wait a couple more years? We have pictures of her hanging in the house but they just think its one of them and we mention her to them frequently.

Answer 1

dont worry about it unless they ask
more than likely it's something they just know
if you mention her to them frequently then there's no reason tell them she's not there and she's their sister they know this already

in a couple years when they start asking questions just answer them truthfully

Answer 2

What a joy your three babies must be to you, you are very blessed but I am so sorry you lost little Jade.
I have no experience in multiple births or in grieving for a lost child, but I think that what you are already doing is very positive - keeping photos of her in the house and mentioning her to keep her memory alive.

At three years old your children are probably a little bit young to understand that they once had another sister but just keep showing them her picture and if they are curious about why she isn't there with you maybe you can say that she is up in heaven with the angels (if that sort of explanation appeals to you) - an abstract concept might be all they can grasp at this stage (keep things at their level - what they are capable of understanding - you will know your kids well enough - yet be as truthful as you can). When they are about 4 or 5 years old they will find it easier to understand about death. Four year olds generally realise that when you die you don't wake up but don't understand that it is final (hence the way they play dead in pretend games). They can feel sad if a pet dies so there is a level of understanding, just not a complete one. By the time they are 6-7 years old they will be old enough to understand more, and at that age I would be very matter of fact and honest in my explanation to them.

I hope that is of some help. All the best.

Mum of 2 toddlers and former early childhood teacher.

Answer 3

if they are old enough, tell them through a story, like once upon a time there were four sisters(princesses) and they lived in a castle and one had an accident. They will be loud at first about how there should be three or stuff like that but I think that might be a good way to break it through that they once had a sister like that too. Think up a peaceful ending that wont send them crying and if they dont get it you could tell them once a week untill they do.
They may ask questions so just say what your heart tells you to. Life moves on so what happens in the past should not be a burden but a pack of wonderful memories that happened before.

I wish you a nice life with your children :)

Answer 4

Hi Tailor!

I hope you will be able to learn from my own story of loss, much different from yours but a loss none the less.

In general a child will ask a question when they are ready to hear the answer. I have a son who was lost to a coerced adoption. I have many pictures of him and I around my home. I also have two daughters who were born after their brother. My eldest daughter is ten and around her fifth birthday she started asking who the little boy in the pictures was. I told her in very simple terms that he is her brother and that he lives with another family. She was fine with that until she was about 7 and started to ask what family he lived with, then I told her his adoptive parents names and where abouts they lived and she was fine with that. About a year later she started to ask why he didn't live with us and I explained that Mommy was very young when he was born so I gave him to a family that had a Mommy and a Daddy that were older, just like her family. Now she is asking more about it, things like "didn't you want him" and "didn't you love him". Since she is mature and level headed I have started answering her in more adult terms without bringing my personal grief too far into the forefront.

Tell them whatever you think they can handle at the ages they are at and in keeping with what they want to know. I also incorporated Justin into day to day life to a degree. I would talk about things he did when he was little or explain where and when a photo was taken when looking through albums.

Hope this helps you to see how another Mother dealt with telling a child of a sibling loss. My condolences go out to you, your husband and your families. I am truly and deeply sorry for your loss.

Sincerely,
Andraya

Answer 5

I am so sorry for your loss. I have twins and I cannot imagine losing one of them. I have not lost a child but I imagine if I did, I would probably show them the picture of their sister and explain that she is in Heaven, answer questions, etc. Maybe pray for their sister in prays before bed. Perhaps go to the gravesite and make it a special periodic thing the whole family does. Just some suggestions, I hope that helps.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry. I would probably mention it sooner than later. Point to her in the picture and say "This is your sister Jade, who is in Heaven".

I'm by no means religious, but that would probably be the best way for them to grasp the concept.

I know this is very different, but that is what I did with my boys regarding my dad. He died when I was a baby, so they never met him. They know that he is/was my dad, but he's not here with us. Kids this age don't need to know a lot of details, in fact, my 6-year-old doesn't even know how my dad died. He just knows that he's in Heaven.

Answer 7

I don't think I would worry about this at this time, but I would explain when they ask that there was 4, but that their sister was very little and sick, and didn't have the strength to get better, and she passed away. When they are old enough to understand what death is, so they will understand what you are talking about. I

Answer 8

Personally, I would wait a couple of more years until they can better understand. If they ask about the picture before you do talk to them about it, then that is a clue that it is time. Good luck!

Answer 9

i'm really sorry to hear about your loss, but at the age of three they probably won't understand just keep talking about her how you guys have been to let them know that they do have a sister and if they ask questions try to keep the answers short and simple letting them know that she is their sister but she's in heaven now and watching over them like their angel it might make them feel "important" as to having their angel... once they get older you can explain it to them with more details so as they can understand what you're saying.

Answer 10

I'm sorry for your loss, your children have beautiful names, by the way.
I think it's best to just keep going at it like you are, I mean they'll understand what's going on one day, and I agree with the other answers, just tell them she's up in heaven with Jesus.
Again, I'm so sorry.