I miss my wife?

Question

She died 1 month ago, I know it's too soon but when it happened I promised myself I'd be strong and move on as soon as possible, but after a complete month I feel exactly the same way as the day she died. What can I do? I promised her I'd face life but up to now I have just been a complete mess, there are times I don't even feel like living anymore, please help

Answer 1

darling a month isnt long ... everyone grieves and heals in their own time .. you have to give yourself that
but you will get there , we all do

something that helps me when I miss someone who has died , is to picture them smiling
that really makes me smile

we dwell on the bad , we keep negative thoughts about them in our head
we worry that we didnt say this right or do this right
we are our own worst enemies ... because they would give us into trouble if they were here ... I am sure your wife would
she would say , hey smile ... remember the way we laughed

think of her smiling
much love to you xxx

Answer 2

Oh Matt, I am so so sorry you are going through this. It is so difficult. You are absolutely right a month is much much too soon to even consider "moving on". It takes as long as it takes. Really.
What you are experiencing is absolutely normal and you are okay. I would be suprised if you WEREN'T still feeling the same as you did the day your sweetheart died.
What you can do is give your self some time. Let friends come by and get you out of the house here and there. Let people take care of you in the sense of checking up on you, taking you places etc. etc.
You could benefit from some grief counseling. I would suggest a Christian counselor. And don't expect things to happen quickly.
Matt, 12 yrs ago my husband died. It was a sudden, unexpected, and horrible death. It took me months before I was anywhere near normal functioning. Frankly close to a year. It was another 2 yrs after that before I went on a date. And then 3 more yrs before I met and married the man I am now married to.
In those first few months I really did not want to go on. I didn't feel like it. But I went ahead inspite of my feelings.
Even now 12 + yrs later, I sometimes think... I just can't believe he is gone, and sometimes I miss him. Do not get me wrong, I am in love with my husband now and wouldn't go back at all. He is my knight in shining armor. God really blessed me with him.
Your feelings will change, and some days they will be worse, and some days better, and eventually your sense of overwhelming grief will lessen.
Just keep moving, let people help care for you especially now, pray... let others pray with and for you. And let the love of Christ comfort you.

Answer 3

"Move on..."

Those are the cold words of pop culture and largely a lot of bull. You would do well to ignore them for now. Stop trying to feel the way you think that you "should" and just accept what you actually feel. Someone you love has died. Of course you're a mess... you have every right to be!

Accept the reality that you're still in mourning. Stop worrying about any preconceived notions of how you are supposed to feel or when you are supposed to feel it. That alone should ease some of your distress.

It may also help to turn your focus outward in some kind of pursuit that is helpful to others. Volunteer your time with a local charity. Perhaps support a worthy cause of which your wife would also have approved. There is much to be said for keeping busy and for performing spiritually positive labor. Get out there and make a difference. There's no lack of need in our world (unfortunately) and many organizations need help.

If you find yourself harboring seriously suicidal thoughts... then don't struggle alone. Get some help. Pick up the phone, punch zero, and ask the operator to connect you to a support hotline.

Wassail!
("be thou hale"... aka be well, be whole)
Mike

Answer 4

My Friend. If I can call you that, I know at times like this theres a plethora of emotions swamping you believe me I've been there and I know that the grieving process is idiosyncratic you take all the time you need to move on allow yourself the good grace to know you did everything you could possibly do to make your wife happy.
Its all very well using hindsight to say things like "I promise myself I'd be strong." but believe me as time wears on this changes. Losing someone who you Love so much is by no means an easy thing, and the worst thing you can do is be hard on yourself. You're being strong now. This question although it may not seem this way is very therapeutic you're getting down your feelings which is very good thing to do. Some people bottle these up and this starts to stew inside them, remember the happy times with your wife and when you are ready to look through old videos and reminisce with the beautiful memories you have of her.

If I could say anything please remember you have a life to live and you're doing as well as anyone in this situation can. Yes, at the moment you feel like c rap and this is perfectly well expected but please dont beat yourself up. In time things will be better for you.

Answer 5

I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. I know you are probably sick of hearing it, but time does lessen the pain. My dad died this summer and now my mom is suicidal. Nothing said to her has helped or will help. It's a decision each individual has to make. She knows how much we love her and need her, but that doesn't help. You know what your wife wanted for you. She knew you would feel this way. Hence the promise.Cruely, life goes on. It doesn't stop or even slow down until we can catch up after losing a loved one. You just have to take life one day at a time. I know you are lost without her. Home life isn't the same. You expect her to come home anytime now. The expectancy of her return is still there and that is the hardest part. Friends can't help. You have to live for now. That's all there is. One month is so fresh. Don't worry about you and life being a mess. It has a way of working itself out. I wish I could make things better for you with all my heart. I am so sorry. I care for what you are going through. The pain and emptiness are intolerable. But, that doesn't change anything for you. You haven't let her down. You are still in shock. Give yourself time. Acceptance is the biggest hurdle and the hardest part. Just be for now. It's all you are capable of at this time. If it would help to talk to someone who cares, by all means do so. Do what helps you. I learned to grieve for my dad in little pieces. All at once is too overwhelming. Take it in pieces. Let yourself break down and cry when ever it hits you. Then let it go. It's an on going process. I have done this too many times to count. I never know when it's going to hit either. But, I don't try to stop it. I let the tears flow and then I pick myself up and go on. I may do this the rest of my life, but I am able to handle it this way. Maybe it can help you, too. My heart breaks for you, sweetie. I am so, so sorry.

Answer 6

I'm with those other answerers. Give yourself some time. Pressuring yourself and saying that you should be completely healed of your grief in a month is crazy and will only bring you down.

I can't believe I'm saying something this pop-psychology and corny, but here it is: Give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you need to. The more you pressure yourself into grieving on some kind of time-table, the more anxiety and stress you'll be putting on yourself, and it sounds like that is the last thing you need right now when you're starting to heal from her death.

Here's a thought: If you could be over her in just one short month, what would that say about your love for her?

Doesn't the fact that it's taking some real time to grieve show you how deeply you loved her? If your love for her was shallow and temporary, you'd be over her death already. The fact that it's taking more time just shows you how deep and blessed your relationship with her is.

You'll be in my prayers.

Answer 7

My wife died, too. In my case, it was because of cancer over 3 years. By the time she died, it was actually more of a relief, since I had already gotten over the mourning period.

Still, it stayed with me for quite a while, and I still think about her at odd times. On our anniversary, which was 2 days before she died, I go to a restaurant and set a place for her. It helps me keep in touch with my memories.

Also, instead of feeling sorry for the loss, I cherish the fact that I was able to be with her when she was alive. Your wife could have lived and died without you ever knowing her. At least you were able to share in her life while she lived. All relationships end at some point. That's not the important part. What's important is the time you had together.

BTW, I found that taking long drives, especially through nature, was a good way to lose myself in my thoughts. That seemed to help some. Sometimes you have to get away from other people to let yourself feel.

Answer 8

I'm sorry for your lose.. I know something it can be very painful.
Everyone in the world will at some point or another experience a lose of a loved one. You must give yourself more time .. 1 month is a very short .. but you must continue living for your wife .. b/c you know that is what she would want from you. Imagine switching places for a moment.. what if you were the one who had went .. instead of her. Imagine watching her struggle to live b/c of your death .. i'm sure this would not be something you would want to see. Now that she's past shes no longer in pain .. and you shouldn't be either.

Its better to have loved and lost .. then to have never loved at all

Answer 9

Oh my dear I am so sorry. She has been gone from you for only one month, so of course you are in the midst of grieving. Your feelings are perfectly understandable, and I do understand how you feel. In August a man who was like a son to me died, and I was knocked for a loop. His death was a shock, and I too thought of wanting to join him. One positive way for you to deal with your feelings, which we all go though, is to talk to your Dr and seek out a grief support group. Do this ASAP! In our area, the chaplaincy ( part of a hospice) runs a fine support group. There you will meet others who are or who have been in your exact situation. You will discover that you are NOT alone. And while there is no quick way to alleviate your grief ( note: booze and drugs are NOT cures) the passage of time and the support of others will help make yout life more bearable. This I promise you. God bless.xo

Answer 10

Aww*
I feel soo bad for you!
You are going to have to face life again, but 1 month is a very short time. I would gather with a group of close friends or people who knew or liked your wife. Then I would talk to them about the good things that you liked about your wife. No matter what, don't regret. Your wife would want you to be happy. Do the things you enjoy most and always think of the positive. I really do hope you feel better*.

Good Luck =]
>> xox ♥

Answer 11

Give yourself time to mourn. The grieving process is something that we must endure. At the same time, be involved in your church and in civic organizations. These activities can help you realize that there is life after the loss of a loved one. Don't jump into another relationship right away. The results can be disastrous.

I'm sorry that you are going through this pain.