Terrible Mom???

Question

My daughter (23) and I got into a disagreement earlier today over her son and correcting him. She was making him stand in a corner for NOT answering a question. I do NOT have a problem with correcting him, but after 10 minutes of making him stand there crying, I informed her of how long he had been standing and asked her to at least let him sit down in the corner. Needless to say,,,she told me 'NO', so after another few minutes, I just told her, that I felt she was being unreasonable and that she needed to allow him to sit. It got to the point I just told her that if she was determined to make him continue to stand that she needed to correct him at her house and not mine...So she stormed out. The grandboy's didn't even get to tell me bye. My question is:: Was I really being unreasonable and a terrible mother?

The child, my Grandson is only 6 years old. How long is a reasonable time to leave a 6 year standing, facing a corner, crying, over NOT answering a question????

I have never said anything to challenge my daughter's authority in front of the grandkids, even when I disagree with her. I took her into the kitchen to speak with her. I don't agree with a lot of things she does/doesn't do, but it isn't my business normally. All my kids and daughter-in-laws will tell you,,,I mind my own business and do not interfer. But this did happen at my house, and all I wanted was for her to allow the child to sit down, even in only on the floor in the corner. And no this is NOT her normal method of correction. Normally all she does is yell or swat the boys. (No, i do not agree with either, but it is her children)..I try NOT to baby any of my grandkids,,,i remember how my folks did my kids with the babying of them..I hated it...

Answer 1

no you weren't you were just concerned. but i think parenting has to be left to the mother as she is ultimately responsible for the outcome

Answer 2

Well, there are worse things that could happen. While I understand your concern, you also need to realize that your daughter has implemented ways to discipline her kids. As any good parents would do, it sounds like she is just being consistent with her discipline no matter where she is. This is a good thing.

Having the child stand for 10 minutes or more for something that minor does seem a bit much, but hey, if that's her method, then so be it. I don't think it'll harm him in any way. It doesn't seem even remotely abusive.

I would just let her be a parent, even if you don't agree with her methods. She has her way. So long as she isn't physically hurting her son, you shouldn't be too concerned. I'd just apologize to her and say that you understand that it was her method of discipline. I'm sure you also know that a dad and a mom should both be on the same page as far as discipline. Nothing is more confusing to a kid than having a mom do one thing and having a dad that disagrees with the discipline or tries to stop it. The same can be said for a grandma and mom. As I said, since there is no physical harm being done here, I don't think there's any reason to get too upset.

You're not a terrible mother!!!! :) Don't worry. Just in the future, let her go on with her parenting style. If she does something you don't agree with, pull her aside when her son isn't there and express your concern. Don't do it in front of the child.

Answer 3

It's reasonable to have a kid sit in the corner for 20 minutes or longer. If a kid knows "Corner Time" starts when they are quiet and thinking about their behavior, they will stop whining pretty fast and be quiet. With that said, corner time need not be more than a few minutes, before a kid is ready to listen or go take a nap. Kids will sit down when they've NEED to, and a wise mom will let them.

Grandma, as hard as it is, you are not the parent. Corner time that is longer than you approve of it not necessarily bad or abusive. It's just your prospective.

I hope you can make the first overture to apologize. Parents are the decision makers, not children or grandparents or Hillary. Your mistake was correcting your daughter, in front of her child or not. If a kid is crying for that long in the corner, he's got a good act-manipulating, he needs a nap, or he is physically hurting. (Usually it's the first or second problem.)

I hope you can build a communication with your daughter that allows you to give some input, because she knows you love her.

And one last thought. Find ways to approve of your daughter and her actions. If she's haveing so much trouble recieving input from you, she's trying to measure up to someone. Give her security for the things she's doing right. VERBALIZE WHAT SHE'S DOING WELL, OR AT LEAST WHAT YOU APPROVE OF, TO HER AND OTHERS...ESPECIALLY YOUR GRANDSON. ("You are so good about.....") If she knows you're not undermining her, she'll start to listen.

Answer 4

I think your daughter resented you telling her how to be a mother. Though you may feel that you were just trying to be helpful, she probably sees it that way. It is an unreasonable amount of time that she made him stand there, but she is still learning how to be a parent. Maybe instead of trying to help her in her disciplining, you can talk about what you did with her when she did things. Then she could use that as a reference in what she should do. They say that the first kid is the one parents learn with. Give your daughter a day or two to cool off and then talk to her. Apologize to her and let her know that you weren't trying to tell her how to be a mommy, but was just trying to help. Whatever she says, don't let it get you angry or upset. As long as she's not abusing him or starving him, then let her raise her son her way. You just have to bite your tongue during those times. But, at least she won't shut you out and may start asking for advice.

Answer 5

I really feel that an adequate time out for children 6 and under is one minute for every year old that they are. Before they are put in time out they need to know what they have done wrong, and need to be offered the choice to make a good decision. If they are then still not cooperating then they need to be put somewhere such as a chair where they can think about the choice they have made. If they refuse to sit in that spot then they need to be told that every time they get up they will be put back in that spot until they sit for the whole time out. after the first warning they need to be put back without any words. Children want and need limits, but they also need to be given the option to make good choices on their own, this way you can ensure that your children are making they right choice for themselves and at the same time actually learning a lesson. A child standing in a corner crying is not going to help that child grow developmentally at all. The problem was not that the child was standing and not allowed to sit, but that the discipline procedure was all together confusing for the child.

Answer 6

OK, I have a behaviorally disabled son. His discipline is also "Time Outs". The length of his TO depends on his age; it should be 1-2 minutes for every year of his age.* If the child is 5, give him 5 minutes and tell him how long he has and that he can come out when he's ready to cooperate.

My son is 9. There are many times that if he can't do what is asked of him, then he'll be there till he cooperates. You can't give in to his hard head. He either cooperates or stays in the corner. He'll get tired of standing and answer the question. When his time is up, then ask him the question again. If he can't answer, or doesn't do what is told then it's another 5 minutes.*

Answer 7

The general rule is a young child should b n time out 4 1 min of each yr - so he should have a 6 min time out, but at that age, a little longer is ok, 10 mins isn't too bad. U need 2 let ur daughter raise her son her way, or u 2 will always have conflicts. If she's not harming him, butt out. U making a negative comment about her rules/punishment infront of her son will only teach him 2 disrespect his mom. If ur concerned about something, talk 2 her bout it when the boy is not around & when her frustration w/ the child has calmed down. She may have flipped out over something minor cuz he was not listening 2 her all day & she was trying 2 teach him who is boss.

Answer 8

The problem is that your daughter likely saw your attempt to get him to sit as a commentary on her parenting. That is, by you trying to step in and change the way she was disciplining her son, you were making a statement to her that you think she's doing things wrong. In a moment when she's apparently upset at her child anyway, I think you might be able to see why feeling judged by her mother would not make the situation better. Perhaps you can think of a time in your life where a parent or an in-law called your parenting into question and you didn't like it. Chances are your daughter had similar feelings. You can maybe see, then, why your suggestions weren't as welcome as you hoped.

I'm sure you acted out of sincere concern over your grandson. If you would like to offer parenting suggestions to your daughter, I think you'd do better to choose a time to discuss it when a discipline crisis isn't happening and everyone can look at the situation more rationally.

If you sincerely believe that your daughter is not parenting appropriately, you are of course free to carry out what you previously mentioned, which is not having your daughter and her son over to your house anymore.

Answer 9

No, i don´t think you were, I´m 26 and have a 3 year old child, my mom´s always interfering in the ways i educate my daughter, maybe instead of telling your daughter that she was being unreasonable you could have just tried to make her understand that if after 10 minutes she couldn´t get what she wanted from the kid, she should of try another method... and in my opinion by leaving like that she´s giving a wrong lesson to his child on how to deal with other ppl´s opinion... (sorry if my english isn´t very good, second language) ^ ^

Answer 10

I am thinking that it is 1 minute for every year of their age. So six minutes. Don't feel too bad though. I feel the same way about my mom when she gets onto me about correcting my 3 children, 5,3, & 1. I think that if she is not going overboard in the discipline and not beating the child then you should keep quiet. But if the child is becoming overly upset then your daughter should take him home to discipline him. I know if I even threaten my children with time out they start whining to mamaw and she comes at me claws out and growling. Must be a grandmother thing. Your daughter will calm down though, I have done the same thing storming out. We always come back, We love you. Take it easy though, sometimes you make us feel like you don't think we know how to be a parent. Good Luck.

Answer 11

Children become very confused when given mixed messages between parents / grandparents etc. The normal rule for time out is one minute per age. So six minutes would have been ok.

My grandparents used to tell us that if we stayed at their house we played by their rules in their home, however if we visited with our parents it was up to our parents to dish out the discipline.

Next time I would perhaps talk to your daughter afterwards when the child is no longer in front of you both.

No your not bad - you did what you believed to be correct.