Can you stop your heart from breaking?

Question

I have been in a relationship for a while now and we have started seriously talking about marriage. In the past we have had dissagreements that we quickly got over by us both comprimising. Our arguments are now not so quickly gotten over, I have started being mean to him as has he to me. I know that we love eachother, but I also know you need more than love to make a relationship work. What can I do to show him how much I care, and to let him know that I am willing to work this out, I believe he feels the same way but everytime we try to ressolve some of these new found issues, I end up crying and he ends up upset.
Our issues aren't anything huge, I sometimes come off as controlling which he is tired of, and he doesn't know how to accept constructive critisimsm.

Answer 1

Actually, the love IS enough....what you don't need is all the extra stuff you're both throwing into the mix. What is really true is. "...love won't stop you from developing bad habits" which you're both doing. You both need to learn to fight constructively before resentments set in. Resentments sabotage your relationship by murdering the love you've tried to build. Name-calling, being controlling, overly critical, and bringing up past issues during current "fights" are all tried and true methods of throwing a good relationship right out the window. If you don't know how to change course by yourselves, get help before it's too late. (Hint: most of us learn this AFTER we've already f u c k e d this up. You'll be so much more ahead of the game if you don't let this happen to you.) Good luck.

If you take a break as has been suggested by other respondents to this question, what will be different when you come back? Isn't it better to learn to navigate around these difficulties now?

Answer 2

There is something called the 90/10 rule. In highly emotional states 90% of what is going on in our heart, head, and what is coming out of our mouth has to do with the past. Only 10% of all that has to do with the current situation.

It's hard to know exactly why the conversation disolves into frustration and tears without knowing more, but I would be suprised if the 90/10 rule didn't play a major role. You guys need to talk about how you fight. You will gain insight as to why the two of you think, say, and feel things.

Not only will this help you understand arguments in the past it will help you choose a different way to communicate next time. This will not keep you from having another fight the rest of your lives, but it should help in a major way.

Just as a side note........The best way to give constructive critizism it to start by telling him something nice. For instance "I really love the way you______ AND (not BUT) I was thinking_____....." Don't preach. It should be made in the spirit of a suggestion. It is his life you cannot tell him how to live it.

Answer 3

First of all I would label the criticism feedback because it is always feedback when coming from the right intention.
You seem to be on the right path in understanding what is going on. You say you come off as controlling which by the way stems from manipulation and the base of manipulation is fear that you are not going to get what you want and need.
Remain mindful of what you do and the fear that is under it.
In addition to that I would suggest to lower your expectations of others and raise them for yourself. And remember people are never going to act the way you want them to.

Answer 4

Umm...wow, sounds exactly what Im going through..I feel that time heals, so try taking a break from eachother(amicably) not a break up but just a break to sort things out and heal or else the hostility adds up

Answer 5

you cant stop your heart from breaking....maybe you guys just need to take a break give each other some space so you both can clear your heads n rethink everything.