My sister won't accept our invitation to our wedding!?

Question

Hi.
I met my boyfriend when I was in dental school when I was 25. We are both qualified dentists now and we live together. I have been going out with him for 3 years and 6 months ago, he proposed to me!
I was so happy and we have been planning the wedding ever since.
I moved from Scotland from Poland when I was 13 and my sister Adrianna was 15. She moved back to Poland with her boyfriend Alex when she was 17. She never really grasped the english language.
We invited her and her boyfriend (husband now) to our wedding and she refused! I think it was because we never really kept in touch except for birthday and christmas cards. She said it is because she can't afford to but I know that isn't true because she is quite wealthy. Do you think it is because she thinks that we wont like her husband?
My mum and dad are really upset and wanted to fly over to poland to talk to her but she told them not to.
Please help me!
I really don't know what to do!

Sorry it's a bit long!

My partner never came on to her, they have never met.

I know she is wealthy because her husband is a doctor and she is a teacher.

I never went to her wedding because she never invited me!
She just had a small wedding with my mum and dad.

Answer 1

I think that you should sit down and write a letter to her about how much it will mean to you for her to be there. In this letter you should offer to pay for her tickets if they can't afford it. Emphasize that you just want her presence and how important it is to you and your soon to be husband. I think that if your letter is honest and heartfelt enough, she will come.

I don't intend on inviting my two brothers to my wedding. First of all I want it to be small, and together they have 7 kids. But the main reason is, they don't care about me. I stopped receiving birthday cards from then when I turned about ten, the same for Christmas, and they never bother to call me. I'll be at my parents house, and they will call, I'll answer, and they'll ask to speak to my dad, acting as though I'm a servant. Be grateful that you and she at least have that little contact with each other.

I'm sure that she will come to your wedding if everyone makes it known that you really want her to be there.

Answer 2

If she is pleading poverty, perhaps you can offer to pay the fare? Even if she's wealthy, that would at least remove any plausible excuse on her part. I imagine that you are not too hard up. Has it been made clear to her that she would have somewhere to stay (presumably with your parents?) If you are prepared to remove obstacles in a practical way, then this is really as far as you can go. If she still refuses to come, then that is a mental attitude which you will somehow have to work on, but it will take time. I can think of a few weddings in our family where people sulked and made up excuses, and it does sound as though this is such a situation. Could it, I wonder, be jealousy? You say she is quite wealthy, but are she and professionally qualified, as the two of you are? That can be the root cause of this kind of problem.

Even if she doesn't come to the wedding, perhaps you can get together in Poland before too long so that she can meet your fiancé and you can all get to know one other better.

Answer 3

Just because someone is a doctor does not mean they are rich. Have you ever heard of student loans? Teachers ARE NOT wealthy! Also, many people might have a nice income, but a lot of outgoing payments and attending a wedding far away can require a large amount of money. Hotel, airfare, clothing for the wedding, taking time off work...if they can get the time in the first place. Just take it as it is. They have declined the invitation. Judging their reasons for not attending is only going to cause you more stress when you have a wedding to plan. I would say that it is fine to be sad that your sister is not attending, but be thankful for the others that will be attending.

Answer 4

Sad, but it is her decision and it sounds like her mind is made up. There is not much you can really do. There could be any number of reasons why she cant come.
Maybe her husband wont let her
maybe she is embarassed because her english is still not good enoough to feel comfortable at the wedding, maybe she really cant afford it, just because someone earns a good income does not always mean they have money to spare, they could be over committed in many ways.
You and your parents have done your best, I think all that is left to do is send her a heartfelt letter saying that while you respect her decision, she will really be missed, that the day wont be the same without her, and most of all that you love her. Maybe that will be enough to sway her.......but if not, just enjoy your day and send her lots of photos.

Answer 5

You know, you say you haven't kept in touch with her except birthday and Christmas cards, and yet you're expecting her to spend who knows how much money for her and her husband (who you've never met in your life) to travel to Scotland for your wedding. When was the last time you travelled to Poland to see your sister? Were you at HER wedding? I'm guessing not, since you said that your sister's afraid that you guys won't like her husband, and you admit to never meeting him.

It sounds to me like you guys aren't close, and you're making an awful lot of judgements on her based on information that you are probably not privy to. How do you know she's wealthy? Just because her husband is a doctor does NOT mean they are wealthy--as a matter of fact, most doctors I know struggle to make ends meet. In the US, they're usually paying off student loan debt from medical school, they have to work several years at very low pay to simply qualify to be a doctor, and then once they're a licenced physician, they basically work for an insurance company, who tells them who to treat, how to treat them, and how much to charge. I'm not sure how it is in Poland, but I know very few doctors in the US who I would consider "wealthy."

In short, staying close to someone in your family takes alot more work than sending a card from Hallmark twice a year. Instead of letting this drive you and your sister further apart, you should think about how you can become closer to each other, in spite of language and distance issues.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Perhaps you should write her a letter (then she can read it when she has time and you can't be interrupted) explaining that you really would like her to be there for your wedding, and if she has any problems with it then to please be up front with you and honest. Unfortunately if this carries on and she point blank refuses to come, just let her know that the option to come is always there, up until the actual day, and then leave it. It will most probably be a decision (if she doesn't go) that she will regret when she is older and sometimes people have to learn these types of lessons themselves. It's sad I know, but as long as you tell her your door (and wedding day!)is always open for her there is not much else you can do. Good luck and hope your day goes well. :)

Answer 7

hi, first of all congratulations. as for your problem, your sister may be telling the truth about the cost putting her off (remember she may be wealthy in Poland but that does not mean she can afford to come to Scotland) I am scottish and my wife is Ukrainian, in Ukraine our family are in good jobs and live well but if the come here then the money would not go far, you have sent the invitation and she has replied maybe you and your future husband could go on holiday to poland and meet with your sister and her husband before the wedding, but not with your parents as this may put their backs up. I wish you luck

Answer 8

I hate to tell you this, but is entirely up to your sister as to whether she attends the wedding or not - she's under no obligation. Perhaps she is hurt by the lack of contact or maybe she is displeased for some other reason, but it's still up to her. She's an adult who is fully capable of making whatever descision she chooses. And just because her husband is a doctor does not necessarily mean she has the money to fly over. She's given her answer. You can call her and express your regret over her not attending, which may open up dialogue about her reasons or you can accept the fact that, for whatever reason, she doesn't want to attend.

Answer 9

This is a very hard situation, if she thinks you will have a problem with her husband couldn't she come over before the wedding to meet the family or vice versa you go over there (know it may be hard with planning a wedding). I assume you have told her how much it means to you for her to be there. If she still turns you down unfortunately there is not a lot you can do.

Answer 10

I am sorry since that is a strange story. You need to respect your sisters wishes. if you want you can offer to pay but that may make it worse if they are truly wealthy ( but maybe they arent) however if you ask to pay and THEN she also says no then you will feel much worse. Let it go. Write her saying it makes you very sad that she and Alex will not be there to share in your joy. That is the tasteful way to do it without more drama which could actually ruin the day