Confusing father-in-law issue. Do you have any suggestions?

Question

My father-in-law and mother-in-law are divorced. They both remarried other people. My father-in-law got divorced again from his new wife about a month ago. When my FIL and MIL were married they had friends together. My FIL recently came in contact with one of their old friends who is also divorced. She also happened to be my MIL’s good friend when they were still married. They took a vacation in Key West together already. I hope you aren’t too confused yet. LOL!

Anyway, my husband and I had made plans to have our first Thanksgiving together this year. We’ve been married for a while but every year we go to another family member’s house for festivities. This was our year. My FIL was invited to come to our house for Thanksgiving this year.

Then the other day he invited us to come to his new girlfriend’s house [my MIL’s good friend] for Thanksgiving. My husband knows her and her family from when his parents were still together. I don’t want to go for many reasons. 1. I feel bad for my MIL and I think it’s wrong. 2. We already invited him here and he knew we were doing our own Thanksgiving. 3. We had planned to have this one at our house.

My husband doesn’t want to tell his dad we aren’t going and doesn’t understand why I don’t want to go. Furthermore, he hasn’t the slightest idea how to tell him that we don’t want to go. Any suggestions? Advice? Opinions? Anything would be useful!

Thanks!!

No, my husband is in the military [same with my FIL] so he is the only person who will even be able to come. We live very far away from other members of our family. Thanks for your suggestion though!

If you can't already tell I have many issues with this man. My MIL divorced him after he cheated on her. He recently was divorced from his wife because they were both physically abusive. He was also a horrible father to my husband. Just to list a few things. I've kept a smile on my face for years. I've given him benifit of doubt. I've tried so hard to get along. I've put a lot into this relationship. I guess I'm just fed up now.

Another thing [and I'm sorry for adding so many details] is my husband told him two days ago that I was so excited to do Thanksgiving this year. He called this morning 'confirming' our plans to go to his girlfriend's house. Which pretty much means he's told her we were going even after my husband tried to nicely decline his offer. UGGH!

Baldeagle--Yes, there are issues with vacation. It's a pain in the butt. My MIL is notorious for laying the guilt trip on when we go to visit my family. My parents visit us as well as us going to visit them. We go to my parents house to visit my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc… and they come to see us. However, my MIL feels that she can go on long trips to see other people and expects us to go see them every chance we get since my parents will already visit us. Confusing? Bet your butt it is! Haha. It’s all a guilt trip.

They aren’t bad people but they are very different then my own parents. It’s very different to have such a pull. Don’t even get me started about the jealousy between vacations to my MILs and FILs from each other. We just got back from my MIL yesterday and she’s already upset about the Thanksgiving issue!Anyway, most of the time I just roll with it. I try so hard to get along. I try to understand our family’s differences. Sometimes it doesn't work.

Answer 1

I would prepare Thanksgiving for my family at home. I would not go to the girlfriends house and that is it. I would not care if my father in law stood on his head. You need to stop looking and bending over backwards to please everyone.
It is impossible to please everyone. That is how you are taken advantage of. If your husband can't say no to his dad then he needs to learn how to say no and set boundaries that you will help him. Tell your father in law you have other plans and are not able to make it.

Answer 2

Holy crapoli!

Honestly, despite how complicated the relationships are between former FIL and MIL, etc, the fundamental thing is that you are having Thanksgiving at your house. Your husband needs to "man-up" (no offense), and tell his Dad that he already made plans. If you want him to come to your Thanksgiving, that's fine, but if they refuse to come to yours b/c they choose to be alone or with other members of the family, so be it.

Don't feel bad for your MIL, either. Her divorce has nothing to do with you, so you can't weigh yourself down with other people's emotions. Did you invite her to your Thanksgiving, as well? I might have missed that in all of the chaos. Was FIL's new girlfriend also invited? (Not that you should, by any means...you're not obligated to bring girlfriends and boyfriends to family gatherings, you know).

I have a feeling your FIL is fully aware of what he did. He basically ignored your invite, and announced his own little shindig, assuming full well you guys would just cave, lower your heads, and show up to his Thanksgiving. There's definitely some type of ego trip going on there (wonder if that had to do w/ the divorce). I don't know the family dynamics, but if it were me, I'd invite FIL and MIL to your own family Thanksgiving. If no one shows up, let them live with it. (Warning: I'm too blunt with my family sometimes, but I hate dealing with idiotic things like having people think you're not important or think that you should schedule all of your plans around them, so take my advice with a huge grain of salt.)

Since you're in the military, do you often run into situations where people expect you to take your vacation time to visit them in their towns, yet they take their vacations to the beach or something like that w/o visiting w/ you? I 'm just curious. It may not be related to this issue...unless it's the FIL w/ some ego thing again.

Family is so complicated!

Answer 3

I know how confused the divorced in-laws relationships can be, especially when one of the new relationships is/was a friend of one of the in-laws. However, that fight is not yours to fight. That's fight is between your MIL and her friend if she chooses to have a problem with it. So let go of that reason for not wanting to spend the holiday with your FIL.

Personally I'd talk to your DH again. If you all made firm plans to be home then discuss that with him. There will be lots of other holidays to spend with his dad and the new family. But there also will be a lot of other holidays to spend at home. The two of you need to come to some sort of agreement together. And it doesn't have to be all one or all the other...you could have dinner at your house but meet them for a dessert potluck.

If you do decide to stay home don't feel bad just saying that was your original plan. If you feel like you need a reason then go out and buy all the meal ingredients and then extend the excuse that you already have everything and don't want to waste it.

Answer 4

Well, first, you already had planned to have Thanksgiving dinner at your house. Your father in law knew that when he extended the invitation. So it doesn't seem like he should be offended if you tell him you're sticking to your original plan.

Second, are you assuming your mother in law would be upset with the new arrangement (ex-husband & good friend) or did she actually say that she's bothered by it? I'm a little confused about whether or not your husband wants to go to the girlfriend's house for dinner. If not, there's no problem. Just stick to your original plan.

Regardless of whether you feel your father in law is wrong for dating his ex-wife's friend, it's his life, not yours. If he continues to date her you'll have to get used to it. Your mother in law is remarried and presumably is happy. So if her ex-husband and her friend get together, maybe she'll be OK with it. At the very least, she can help her friend see things with open eyes. If the friend chooses to stay with him, again, that's her decision.

As for Thanksgiving, it sounds like your best bet is to cook dinner and feed whoever shows up. Maybe you and your husband can drop by the girlfriend's house for dessert.

Answer 5

Believe it or not this issue is with your hubby NOT your father in law. I know, sounds screwy, but the situation with your father in law is quite simple. I'm going to offer some advice that you didn't ask for but that you eluded to in your question. Please forgive my boldness, but I will address ALL the issues as I see them. LOL.

Okay, first, let your FIL's girfriend issue go. He AND your MIL are grown ups and were divorced. It's perfectly okay for him to date whomever he wants. They chose to not honor the commitment they made, so don't be surprised if he continues to find new women. It's who he is now. He doesn't sound like a horrible man, just one that isn't capable of commitment. But don't hold his girlfriend situation against him. I think your MIL can fight her own battles and I doubt this would be HUGE for her. Thank for letting me address that even though you didn't ask.

As for your FIL, just simply thank him for the invite but remind him that you had already invited him to your house because you really would like to celebrate at your house. Let him know the invitation is still open but you totally understand if he can't make it and he will be missed.

Now the big issue. Your husband. Regardless of your reasons, you wanted to have Thanksgiving at your house. Period. I wouldn't argue about it, but I would stand firm and let him know that you would appreciate it if he would honor you as his wife, be loving and politely inform his father that you are having it at your house and thank you for the invite. There should not be an argument here. It's all good. It's perfectly okay for people to NOT spend each and every holiday with every relative. Staying home teaches your children how to plan and create a holiday meal and entertain. I loved having the holiday's at home and didn't always like going to the relatives. Enjoy it and keep the invitations open with love and goodness. Good luck, it should all be good. Stand firm with hubby and don't succomb to guilt or feelings of obligation. Your obligation is to you, your husband and your children FIRST. Always, no matter what.

Answer 6

You and your husband already had made plans and I think you should stick to them not because of jealousy issues but because those plans were made first.
The interesting thing here is that your mil remarried and your fil has a girlfriend so if either of them were happy there would be no jealousy issues. Obviously neither are happy with who they are with. Do not let any of them use you as a pawn in their head games.

Answer 7

Remind your FIL that you already have plans and had hoped he would join you. You might tell him the invitation includes his new friend.

Answer 8

You had made your plans. Its that simple. You had invited others, right? Then its impossible for you to go. Just tell him you had already planned.