I'm concerned about my son's behaviour can you give me some advice?

Question

My son is 5 and has had behavioural problems since pre school. He loses his temper and hurts other children, can be quite restless and hyper at times and also is very competitive and gets very upset if he loses. He's ostricised and labeled for his behaviour at school, he tells me that no one wants to play with him (so he clings to his friend from birth, this is upseting his mother who is my friend as she's concerned my son is affecting her son's relationships with other children) I'm very upset about it too. All aspects from his bullying behaviour to his low self esteem and inability to make friends are a constant worry for me. A mother has approched me telling me to make my son stop bullying her daughter, aparently my son had punched her in the face and persistently taunted her as they were sitting next to each other at class. I arranged a meeting with the head teacher (continues bellow)

who told me that it can't have been that bad otherwise it would have been brought to her attention. She discussed it with his teacher who said his behaviour has improved and no major incidents have been happening. I've had several meetings before with the head teacher and we agreed that my son would attend a help group to control his anger, he's attenting it once a week and his behaviour is very good there, the support worker even tells me that my son is very polite wich at least makes me feel like I'm getting something right...
I do tell him every day that hurting others is unkind, I've tried everything to help him stop his behaviour, he's ok at home and with friends outside school despite his persistant competitiveness he very seldom hurts someone and if he does I don't tolerate it and remove him from play for a short period and if persistent I remove him full stop.
My heart sinks when I pick him up at school and and the teacher tells me it's been a very bad day.

Answer 1

First of all, well done for tackling the problem head on and arranging meetings with the head and the teacher. Some parents bury their heads in the sand and refuse to believe their child is doing anything wrong, but you're obviously willing to listen and try to put the situation right. Secondly, don't put your child on drugs. I don't know why these are seen as the end to all problems. If your child is able to control his behaviour at home and at his group then I would say that shows there is nothing medically wrong with him, he just needs to learn to control it at school as well. Giving him drugs as a way to help his problems will make him think that's what drugs do, and he may grow up with an overreliance of them - both prescriptive and not.

So, his behaviour problems started at pre-school. Before that was he an only child alone with you at home? Pre-school is a big change, suddenly a child is not the centre of attention anymore, and some children don't cope well with this change. I'm sure with you, he was used to winning games, he was used to getting what he wanted, and he was used to not having to take turns. Of course, he was your beloved son and you wanted him to be happy. That's good, but now he has to learn that he can't always win, he can't always have something he wants, and he has to take turns. Make sure you let him practise these things at home. Play turn taking games - cards, simple board games, etc and make sure you don't always let him win. Praise him when he accepts defeat without a fuss, and put him in time out if he has a tantrum. Make sure you don't give in to his every whim. There will be plenty of things he won't be allowed to do at school, so make sure is also used to hearing, and accepting, 'No' at home.

As for bullying children at school, try not to get yourself too upset and start thinking your child is some little monster when really he is just trying to adjust to school life. Some parents will cry 'bullying' at the drop of a hat, when really there has been one incident where a child lost his temper. Your child is 5, and hasn't properly understood the message that violence is wrong. He is not 15, picking on other kids for enjoyment. You are doing the right thing by backing up the teacher and telling your child he was in the wrong when incidents do occur. When during the day do most incidents happen? Is it during class, or is it at break times? Some children feel insecure when in the big playground, and this can manifest itself in poor behaviour. Ask the class teacher if she can set up a rota of children whose turn it is to play with your son at break time. They could have a little area of the playground they know that is where they play, and could be allowed to select one piece of equipment, such as a ball, to use. This will help your child to learn how to play well with others, help him feel secure because he knows where he has to play and who with, and will also let the other children start to see him in a more positive light again. I used to work at a school with a child with far more severe problems than your son has got, and the other children loved it when it was their turn to be his partner and play outside with him. I have found that lots of behaviour problems occur at lunch time. Children like routine, and some schools have an hour or so of playing in the playground with no structure for what to do. This unsettles some children. If this is the case, and you are at home all day, think about taking him home for lunch. I know this is extra hassle, having to go up and down to the school twice more each day, but it will take the problem away from your son. Also, if the other children haven't had any unpleasant encounters with him during lunchtime they will be happier to see him in the afternoon.

Children are normally very forgiving, but once someone has a name for being the 'naughty boy' it can be hard for them to forget that. I've been in classes where a child says 'ow, someone just pushed me, it was Jason' when Jason has been standing next to me, and I have watched and seen it was Sam. Children start to assume whatever has gone wrong was the 'naughty' child's fault. Your child needs to show the others that he is not always naughty. A little bribery and corruption can work wonders! Encourage your son to draw pictures and write notes to take into school to give to children in his class. Children are always pleased to be given things, so it doesn't have to be the best art work in the world, just a little picture that he has drawn for them. This will also help him to think more about others, not always himself, and he will start to feel better about himself for doing things for other people. Not every day, but sometimes, let him take a sheet of stickers to school to give one to everyone in his class. Children will start to see him in a more positve light, and will start to play with him more often.

Try and talk to the mother of one of his classmates. Explain you have been concerned about his behaviour but you are working hard to put it right. Ask if she will come to your house for coffee one afternoon after school with her child, so that the 2 children can play together in the living room and you can both supervise. Parents are sometimes wary of letting their children go to a child's house if they've heard bad reports of his behaviour, but if they are allowed to go with their child, and if you have opened up about the situation, you will find many will be happy to help. If you're not sure who to talk to, ask the class teacher if she can put you in touch with one or two mothers she thinks will be happy to help you. Once one has been to your house, and seen you care for your child, and don't let him get away with murder, and you care for the wellbeing of your child's playmate the rumours will spread, and more mothers will be happy to bring their children over to play.

When your son is at home make sure you limit the violence that he is allowed to see. Some children are more susceptible to screen violence than others, but make sure you take away any contributing factors, such as violence on TV (including joke violence on cartoons) or on computer games. Make sure your son is getting enough sleep, so that he can concentrate better at school, and so he is better able to control his temper. At 5 years old, 7 o' clock is an appropriate bedtime. Calm him down by giving him a warm bath and reading him a bedtime story.

I hope I have been of some help. I know it's worrying when all you hear is bad reports about your son, but listen out for the good as well. Notice the nice things he does at home and praise them for him. If the teacher says it's been a good day at school, ask her what sepecifically he has done well, and praise him. He will be used to hearing negatives about himself by now, which is why his self-esteem is low, so he is in a vicious circle of behaving badly because he feels low, but feeling low because his bad behaviour gives him negative attention. Praise him often. Enjoy spending time together. Paint, cook, play, sing, go for walks, and praise every little good thing he does. He will start to really enjoy the praise, so will be more uspet if he does something to make you cross, and will be less likely to do it again.

Good luck, and be proud your child is well behaved at home. Just focus on how you can help him overcome his problems at school, and the two of you will get there in the end!

Answer 2

Here are a few suggestions:


~Sit down, have a nice dinner talk with your child. Tell him why those behaviors are bad, and truly explain how it not only hurts other people, it will eventually hurt him.

~Don't get upset at him, it could make the situation worse.

~Be very gentle and patient, but firm at the same time. Allow him to play with his toys, but don't condone toys which he has used violence with.

~Arrange something with the teacher, seeing if the teacher could check on his behavior patterns. Or, ask a yard duty or some other adult which supervises the kids to keep an extra eye on him. Have them report all incidents, and sit down, and have a talk with your kid.

~I can't really stress this one enough. Don't do a rewards system. It can cause the kid to be spoiled later on in life. They think if they work just a little bit, they shall get a reward. Which is almost encouraging laziness.


~Never compare him to other children. It will cause an inferiority complex which he will have to live with for the rest of his life.


If the above doesn't work, I would recommend seeking professional help. It could be a deficiency disorder, or some other syndrome.



Whatever you decide to go with...


I wish you the best of luck =)


\±/ Adam \±/

Answer 3

First of all, he is 5 and is still learning how to interact with others. It is up to YOU to teach him how to control himself not a social worker. You don't pull him from play time for a few minutes when he acts aggressively. You immediately cease the playtime, have him apologize to the person he hurt and take him home. There should be NO chance of it happening again.

Second, knowing that he is prone to violent behavior why did you need a meeting to confirm that he was bullying a little girl? You know he was, therefore again, he needed to apologize to the other child, and then given consequences at home.

Every time he hurts someone or something the consequences need to be immediate and the same. First time of day time out and apologize, second time longer time out and apologize, third time removal from all social settings for the rest of the day and that means family too.

Then start teaching him how to redirect and control his temper. If he feels that he just has to hit something, have him hit an inanimate object, or better yet have him yell first to try to release the anger.

Finally, do some research, find out why he feels so angry, find out if he actually wants to socialize with those other kids. Maybe he doesn't want to be friends with them.

Answer 4

First I would like to say that it sounds like ADHD to me.
You say the problem seems to be mostly at school? This could be because school is a more structured environment with rules and boundaries, and perhaps he has not been given enough rules and boundaries at home to help him cope with them now he is in school. You need to work closely with the school and implement behaviour strategies similar to what they use at school, in your home. Some children don't cope socially in a large school environment, and maybe your son could benefit from being moved to a smaller school, this would also take him away from his birth friend, as it seems he is relying heavily on this friend which is not good for him socially or emotionally.
I would also suggest trying a food elimination diet for food intolerances that cause behavioural problems, do this in consultation with your doctor. Councelling could also help your son, to try to work through any other possible causes for his behaviour problems, such as a major change in his life or something.
I think it would be beneficial for your son to be assessed for Adhd, or asperges and find out about medications. School is hard enough for these kids, but even harder if there is behaviour problems, you need to help him now, for his sake and the children around him. Good luck with it all. I hope this has helped you.

Answer 5

This is definately not normal behaviour. Some of the answers you`ve had on here are appauling. It definately sounds like a mental health problem to me. I dont think the poor little thing knows if he`s coming or going. There are lots of mental health probs out there, i wish people would just stop sticking the ADHD tags on every child that misbehaves. I really have a feeling that you need to see a specialist with this 1. I really hope it just turns out to be something simple and you can work thru it but you really need to rule everything else out 1st. I obviously wouldnt be happy if he hurt my daughter, but look at the bigger picture people!!!! Good luck and my thoughts are with you. x

Answer 6

I'll bet anything he's an only child.
5 is old enough to know there are consequences for his behaviour, and I think the punishment at school and at home should be consistent. When you talk to the head teacher arrange consequences that you both teacher and parent can be consistent with. Also don't think he is too young for you to sit him down and talk to him and ask him why he does these things. Our personalities are formed by the time we are 6yrs old so this needs to be nipped in the bud NOW.

p.s does he have a father in the home? Dad needs to let him know that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is he to EVER touch a girl again. boys don't know their own strength and if he learns now that it's okay to get angry and hit girls...(shaking my head)

Answer 7

I wouldn't be too concerned. My nephew is a very naive 12 year old, just doesn't even pick up on the whole gay thing at all (even though one of his aunts is a lesbian), he hasn't figured all that out yet. But the poster sounds gross.

Answer 8

To my best of knowledge, your concern about your son's behavior is not a big issue.Take it easy and try to console him day by day! As you know,there is a saying that,even stone will get worn,if the ant moves on it continually!( Erumbu oora kallum theyum). That behavioural problem may be due to his observation from his sorroundings. If you deeply observe,where is the problem,probably you can solve this! And,You only can correct him as you are his father.

Answer 9

Are you able to give your son incentives for good behaviour or are you giving in to his demands? Are you checking his diet for food additives that might be causing the problem? There are many websites that discuss this and I would get help from them. I would advise against seeking professional help as with enough information and resolve you can help him overcome this. It is caused by something at home and is best cured there as well, without labeling him further.

Answer 10

Clearly your son needs psychotherapy. It's good that you're dealing with this problem now while your son is young. In other words, it's not too late. While you're looking for competent, caring psychotherapy for your son, I recommend a book (see below link). The author writes about this very issue in portions of the book. Good luck.

Answer 11

psyche meds.

Unless you're teaching him to be abusive at home (directly or indirectly) in which case, stop.

Otherwise he might be having some problem with his ticker, and you should consult a psychiatrist to see if it's a medical problem.

For the sake of the other kids in the class see if you can have him sedated.

And for his own sake. I don't think he's going to have too many friends if he's always whooping their ***. Although he might get into the sadist/masochist crowd.