disrespectful step daughter cont>>>?

Question

a time of transition for her>>>but then she just got more and more disrespctful not just to me but her father as well>>she very very pretty (pagent pretty) but dosent get along with any one shes always getting into fights with other girls even other members of the family(fist fights) I dint understand her whole attitude she wanted to come back here we did'nt make her>and then to top it off her dad has'nt followed thru with not allowing her to talk and act disrespecful in the house>>i'm so frustrated with the situation I've completly with drew from dealing with her at all I dont even talk to her, I dont think i should have to live in my own house that I help provied for her as well as other stuff like medical ins dental ins ETC and her be so disrespectful to me> well there it is folks :) I look forward to any input you can give if you need more clarifacation just ask. much thanks!!!!

Answer 1

what a brat..Umm well talk to your husband about it..Tell him he needs to straighten her out..For mean while ignore the little sh*t.. All she wants is attention..drama queen...As long as u dont pay any attention she will slowly start acting right..

Answer 2

Okay... you need to get your husband on the same page, then since he has left you holding the bag, you need to step up and BE THE PARENT.
You cannot be a friend with your child, you must be a parent, an authority figure, and ideally their best ally... but not a friend. With that said, it is up to you to step up and be the authority figure.
You only have 2 years to teach this brat what it is that she needs to get along in the world... respect, discipline, responsibility, morals and ethics.
You use any means at your disposal to get this across... that includes a well-placed slap across the face or a belt across her behind. If she insists on being a disrespectful brat, you treat her accordingly.
Truth is, you have get her under control NOW.
You can use the ol' "carrot and stick": take things away from her to punish her (her freedom, her iPod, computer, etc.), and you can give her these things back as she earns them.

Your new motto is: "If the mama ain't happy, NOBODY is happy!" Be the mama. You are the ultimate authority in the house. You need to squash this insurrection hard and fast. You do not let the kids run the house.

You provide this kid with a home, meals, clothes, money and an opportunity for an education.
All you expect in return is for her to go to school and make good grades, respect your authority, clean up after herself, do whatever little chores you have assigned her, and stay out of trouble. If she isn't holding up her end, you need to make her toe the line. If she doesn't like it, the door is that-a-way.

Answer 3

I don't know where the first part of your question is, but whatever.

Your step-daughter does not have a contract with you. Parent figures are supportive of their children. Period. They sacrifice. It can be thankless. They don't necessarily get respect in return for health and dental. Maybe you should have her sign an employment contract if that's what you're looking for. Otherwise, you need to read a book or two and figure out that behavior like this is indicative of an underlying mental and emotional struggle.

[Edit] This is more than a "time of transition" for her. It's a trauma. It's a crisis. It's a nightmare. When parents separate and then have custody issues as though children are possessions, it's not like moving into a new house. It's like learning how not to hate your enemy.

I can fathom your frustration. Really, I can. But you're not doing yourself, or her, any favors by being silent with her.

[Edit] Now that I went back and found the first part of the question, I recognize that you may have been more of a mother than her real one was. Consider that she is transferring her negative feelings toward her mother onto you and others, simply because you represent her mother.

Answer 4

She is a teenager!!!! She is going to have confusion, and hurt, and I can remember being a teenager, it wasn't easy. She is just trying to see how she fits into the world and her father does need to stand with you on issues with her. You have obviously done an AMAZING job so far. I wouldn't bring up the Medical and Dental stuff, thats part of being a parent. Teen life is difficult, she may just need alone time with you to be reassured that you still care about what happens to her, and that you'll still always be there for her when she needs someone. It's SO HARD to feel rejected by a mother, and she has already been rejected by her biological mother, don't let her get lost in this trying time of her life. It is so difficult.

As far as her looks, that can be an issue she cannot control, she will be disliked from those who are jealous and needs YOU to stand up for her and talk to her. Girls can be so cruel, don't jump to the conclusion that it is her fault. She can't help thats shes a KNOCK OUT! Help her smile, take her shopping and have lunch somewhere quiet and have a talk with her without judging her, learn to listen without commenting for a good 10 minutes, see what is bothering her, ask her if everything is going ok in school. You need to keep communication good especially now. You have already earned her trust and respect, don't lose it. She needs someone strong like you. If you want to give her advice, do it carefully, hormones are hard to control and try not to raise your voice. You have a bond with her like most step mothers never have, she sounds like she loves you a great deal.

Answer 5

She's 16..........of course she's a snot and will continue to be that way into her 20's. Think about it this way....essentially, her bio mom dumped her off. And you tried to fill in for the mom that abandoned her. She is bitter and angry and since you are more her mother than bio mom, she is going to beat you up....not because she hates you, but because she knows that YOU will never turn your back on her. Set down the rules and enforce them....right now you are the enemy anyway so it doesn't matter if you make her mind....she'll get over it. Just remind her when she is being especially vile, that you do love her regardless of how much of a brat she is being. Good Luck

Answer 6

You need to have some serious words with your husband.
You are his wife. You should be respected and treated with kindness. He should insist on this from his daughter.

If he can't or won't see what is happening, you need to drag him, if necessary, to counselling. He needs to get his priorities straight. YOU should be first on his list. Not her.

I don't know how old she is, but she needs a good talking to by him, laying down the law about the respect thing, and also assigning her chores around the house (if she is a youngster) or telling her she needs to contribute to the household if she is grown.

No way do you have to tolerate this.

Answer 7

umm,well, ok now that I am at the 2nd part of the question its a little more clear.
talk to your husabnd....
she is 16 and she needs to be respectful of the roof over her head and everything under that roof. she also needs to be respectful of family members.
you are the step parent, your not the biological parent, so your in a hard spot because as much as you have done, she probably doesnt see you as being a parent that she needs to listen to,and her father has not been there - he has been working.
you need to start by talking with him, and the two of you together need to sit down with her and set down some rules, and let her know that she is a guest,and if she is going to be disrespectful then she can leave
you need to set your foot down

Answer 8

O.k. I didn't know there was a 2nd part. It sounds like your stepdaughter has an anger issue. Do not ignore her or stop talking to her. You're just avoiding the situation not helping it. Try to get her into psychotherapy sessions. She needs to talk about her life, the issues she's dealing with, and release that anger in order to move on in a graceful way.

Answer 9

My suggestion to you is to really break down the situation. How does whatever happened when she was with her mother fit in to the puzzle of the home life with you and yours? From what I’m reading she was with her mother for a couple of years. In those couple of years did you make sure to keep in steady contact and discuss what was going on in her day to day life? (Not just when she called to tell you she had a bad day or just crying about the drama that was floating around in her life.) Did you follow up and ask her how her relationship was with her mother and others? If you did keep up the calls did you make sure the conversation wasn’t superficial and you were really having in depth discussions?

All it takes is a couple of years in a negative situation to change someone in their adolescent years. She’s 16, so she’s got two more years till she’s gotta move out, you best believe that’s where her mind is at. So this is where you start to make her earn hers. I’m assuming that you and your partner are not supporting her with an allowance or caving in to her monetary wants vs. her needs.

My next suggestion is you have a sit down with her, let her know you love her let her know that you are not pleased with her and you have tolerated as much as your going to take. You let her know that you are going to start from the beginning because along the way discipline, respect, and responsibility for her actions seems to have flew out the window somewhere. You let her know that anything that you or your husband bought for her will be taken out of her room, let her know that she will be getting a job and she will be putting some money down on some bills and on anything else that she wants or needs. Let her know that what is given can be taken (away). I’m not saying get excessive where she’s paying full amount of rent or where you leave her with one pillow and a sheet, but let her struggle a little. The idea is to have her work 8 to 12 hours in a given week so that she gets a grasp on to reality and responsibility. Let your child know that respect is a two way street and what is given can be taken. If you are dead set against letting her work because of grades get her involved in a school activity or activity. I strongly recommend you let her work and work no more than 12 hours. Studies show that adolescents that work few hours and go to school at the same time end up with good time management skills and a sense of responsibility. Working in those cases isn’t really about the money as it is about understanding your smaller role in a bigger production.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Stay as calm as possible even when her emotions lash out. You may have to practice, so do it. Take your parenting seriously, do what you gotta to so that you can communicate effectively with your daughter. Use “I” statements, I know it sounds silly, but I found when my mom used it on me I was much more receptive because it wasn’t like she was blaming me for everything. That blaming only adds fuel to the fire.

By the way, by making that clarification that your daughter is your step child, only proves the separation that lies there even from your side of things. Your child is your child period.

Work it out.