should i forgive my mum for abusing me as a child? am i being silly/selfish not letting it go?

Question

she had her problems at the time but i havent seen her for years and i feel kind of guilty. i know she wants to have contact with me but i am holding this grudge. how do i move on and put the past behind me? i feel like i am punishing her by not speaking. i have had counselling but it doesnt erase the anger i feel

Answer 1

Once again, another life ruined by an abusive/uncaring parent! And once again, that ruined person feels guilty for 'holding a grudge'.

First let me say that you WERE NOT to blame for what happened, and you have a prefect right to your feelings.

Second, it is up to you whether you have contact or not, and whether or not you forgive your mum. It's true that if you forgive her, it will be best for you in the long run (letting go of the past), however, if you do forgive her, it must be on the understanding that her abuse is not acceptable or to be tolerated ever again.

I hope that the counselling helps you eventually, but when the most important person in your childhood betrays you or lets you down, it's very hard to move on.

Answer 2

I will let you know what happens in both cases, and you decide what you want to do.
First of all, forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. Forgiveness is a chain breaker, and a curse breaker.
If you choose not to forgive, you will live in your mum's shadow all your life, all the anxiety and all your negative emotions will resurface, in your constant struggle to be -not like her- and to prove yourself better. She will control your life endlessly. She might die before you have a chance to resolve this matter, and she will still control you from the grave.
On the other hand, if you choose to forgive, her control over you stops instantly, you are free, you can make your own life, accepting that part of your life as it was, making you a better person and whom you are. Your anger issues will turn into compassion and understanding towards others that have been through it, you may be able to help them make it, and thus, live a better life, which is the best you can do to someone that has abused you. Remember that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. If you come out of it, you're a better person for it.
Live happy. An unforgiving spirit is a haunted spirit. Break free... do you want that? I suggest reading books on forgiveness, and work on it. It may not happen instantly, but give yourself time, and it will be of much benefit for you. People who don't forgive are prone to heart problems primarily and a lot more on top of that, than people who do forgive. A lot of the health issues are rooted into our psychological issues. Think about it, then decide.

Answer 3

Hi Emma! Firstly may I applaud you for sharing your dilemma. Like many abused children when they reach adulthood they hold their parents responsible for any problems that they face regarding relationships. You do not specify what sort of abuse you endured so Il assume it was the verbal /emotional type. As children we look to our parents for guidance and protection until such times we are able to fend for ourselves, however being a parent is never easy or straight forward especially being a single parent. The fact that your mother is wanting to contact you would be a good time for you two to meet and let her explain her reasons for her past behaviour. Arrange to meet her at a place where you feel comfortable and be prepared to shed a few tears as you will probably realise half way through your meeting that she was just as much a victim of unfortunate circumstances as you are now and could not cope with the stress of it all. Find the strength in your heart to forgive her and when you do then you will have put your past behind you. Your mother brought you into the world so give her the time to explain and together you will be stronger for it. I really hope that you make that move to contact her, even if it doesn't work out at least you won't be tearing yourself up and wishing 'if only'. Peace and Love (X)

Answer 4

has your mother admitted the abuse and said sorry? just because she wants contact now, doesn't mean she admits what went on. you are the only one who can deal with the anger you feel. many of us were abused as kids and were never apologised to, so it's up to us to take control of our emotions. forgiveness is an act of will. tell yourself you forgive her enough times and one day you'll realise you do. if you don't forgive her, you are the one who will continue to suffer. you have a life of your own and it's up to you who you share it with. you aren't punishing her by not speaking to her, you're punishing yourself. it would be an idea to arrange to meet her. make it a public place and have a friend or someone with you if you'd prefer. ask her calmly if she does admit the wrongs, then you can decide what you want to do. if she doesn't, tell her you don't want any more contact until she does. this isn't selfish, you need to know where you stand. if she does, maybe you can go for counselling together? just take it one step at a time, accept that your feelings do count and get on with your own life. i hope you can re-build a relationship with her, but if not, accept that, learn to forgive the past for your own sake, and move on. diane.

Answer 5

If you are still carrying anger from the abuse you suffered as a child, then I suspect that it would manifest in other circumstances in your life if you initiated contact with your mother.

There is nothing silly or selfish about your feelings. Victims of abuse often have a sense of guilt created by their abuser ("I did something to deserve it...he/she really didn't hurt me...I shouldn't have told someone else about it"). The reality is that the ABUSER is responsible for ALL of it. You were a child and could not defend yourself. Your anger is a natural and normal result of being mistreated by a person who said they loved you AND is a parent to you.

You'll know when you are ready to forgive your mother -- and, although people may think it is selfish -- you don't have to forgive her. People may say things like "She's your mother!", "She's family!"...but unless they are victims of abuse who have forgiven their abusive parents, those 'reasons' have little relation to your reality.

Do what you feel is best and what you are most comfortable with.

Good luck.

Answer 6

What your mom did was wrong, She abused you and in turn made you a Victim.

But what you are doing by holding in this anger and resentment, you are choosing to stay the victim.

What your mom did, can't be undone, she made her choices, and now it is time that you make some of your own...

A. Do you choose to continue to stay the victim, living with a angry heart.

or

B. Do you choose to forgive her, and in return Choose to be a survivor of abuse.

In Choosing B you are saying, "Yes, mom what you did was wrong, but I am a bigger person then that, I forgive you and choose not to live with this heavy heart anymore. I choose life."

It may sound silly but it's true.

It will probably be hard to forgive your mom, sit down and write her a letter, even if you NEVER give it to her, it will be good to get your feelings out. Talk to her and tell her how she made you feel, and ask her why she did it, not that their is ever a good excuse for abuse.

I do hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive her, so that you as a person can move on.

Good luck!

Answer 7

I think this is a really tough situation and only you can truly make the decision to forgive your mother or not. It’s difficult because as a child you trust and rely on your parents to nurture and take care of you, when they do not do that and on top of it abuse you physically and/or mentally you feel helpless and can develop strong feelings of rejection and sadness, which over time builds into anger and resentment.

I would suggest forgiving your mother for a couple reasons. The first reason is for yourself, simply because holding on to the feelings of anger, resentment and rejection only hurt you. It truly affects your daily life and can hinder your emotional growth. I know from first hand experience. My father was not around and when he was, he was abusive. I grew up resenting him and not understanding how a parent could ever do that to a child. Now that I am an adult he has approached me and wants to have a relationship with me. I struggle with accepting the past and moving on from it because I think deep down I would be betraying myself for letting go of such bad things that happened to me. When in actuality holding onto these things only makes me relive the hurt on a regular basis. Second reason is that in the end you mother is the one who created you and carried you for 9 months and went through child birth. She wasn’t what a mother should be to you, but you can’t change that, you can only go from today and build a better tomorrow for yourself.

I would recommend starting the journey of forgiving your mother, even if you never have a close everyday relationship with her, letting go of the pain of the past and moving on with your life is the greatest gift you give yourself. Good luck and whatever you do, make sure it’s the right thing for you; you do not deserve to suffer any more pain.

Answer 8

Hi Fiona ! It is really sad that u were not treated well as a child, but now u r a grown up girl, Let me tell u 1 thing that a mother can never hate her child, be it a boy or girl, it is the family or her husband who make her feel guilty of giving birth to a female child Now, give a second thought to what so ever u have written about ur mother..........try to analyse ur father's and other family member's attitude towards her..........may be she is neglected by them.........A mother carries a child for 9 months and with lot of pain she gives birth to her child, believe me Dear she can never hate her child, unless there is some other story related to it You as it is have hated her enough, now can u try n love her, give her a hug very often, make a cup of tea/coffee for her, take her out with u sometimes and then with love ask her if she has anything to share with u as a friend If nothing works then my sincere advise is that take her to a psychiatrist, may be she is suffering some kind of depression and requires help I am sure she will come out with her problems and will show all that love to u what she has kept inside her heart for 20 yrs......God bless u.

Answer 9

She does not deserve your forgiveness !. It was not just a one off incident where she abused you, it was your whole childhood !. Keep punishing her by not speaking, she made you feel bad about yourself as a child, make her suffer !. She was the adult, you were the innocent child, she should have known better. Keep her out of your life. I might get a few thumbs down but I know how it feels to be an unloved child, and to banish my mother from my life was the only thing that made me feel powerful and to be able to move on. Dont feel guilty, she obviously didnt as you were growing up

Answer 10

Hard question to answer but if you can talk to her and try and see why she did what she did it might help you to move on. No one would expect you to forgive that easily but by holding the grudge you are not doing yourself any favours in the long run. I hope you can come through this and that it does not hinder your future, if you forgive is only down to you, you are not selfish or silly at all. Please do not beat yourself up over it, keep going and look to the future.