How do I respond to people who are upset they were not invited to my wedding?

Question

Frankly, if I'm not invited to a wedding, I do not take it personally because there are so many possible valid reasons (lack of space, conflicts with other guests, maybe I'm not as close as I think, etc.). But some people have actually confronted my friends demanding an explanation of why they weren't invited. Mortifying!! Geez, there are other friends I've had for 20 years I was unable to invite...why do people feel "entitled" to attend a wedding? Guests lists are difficult enough as it is! Not sure how to respond if/when they confront me.

To answer your questions, the people I've known for 20 years live out of town and I don't have much contact with them, maybe semi-annual, and there were some cousins/aunts in the same category. The friends that were asking used to be friends a few years ago, but I only see them once or twice a year now. It wasn't a small wedding, we had 150 guests, and we are indeed fortunate to both have huge families and lots of local friends that we interact with in our theatre group on a daily/weekly basis, as well as close friends, close co-workers, etc. These were the people we focused on making sure we could accommodate. Hope that helps.

Answer 1

tell them it's a family wedding and you had a limited number of guests

Answer 2

Some people just do not have a clue about the exorbitant expenses involved with having a wedding ceremony and a 240 minute party. If you bring up the cost, then you sound like a cheapskate and they were not worth the extra fifty dollars. But, what people do not understand is that there ARE space restraints and not every single person you have ever known can be accommodated in the budget or even in your emotional reservoir. Why would someone who you see only 5 times in five years expect to be invited. Entitlement, that's why. If these people could only realize that just ten extra guests pushes you out of your venue and over budget by $500.00 dollars they would not be so rude as to ask "Why didn't I get an invitation". When will people realize that weddings are ultra personal and extremely expensive? Just tell them that you had a small intimate wedding. These people do not currently play an intimate part of your life, especially the distant cousin, so they have zero right to ask such an uncouth question of you. "We had a small intimate wedding" should be your standard answer. Make no apologies like you have been saying "I'm sorry", that is wrong. You owe no one an apology.

Answer 3

I agree -- people aren't entitled to be guests at a wedding and it's not like once you get married, you fly off to another planet and they'll never see you again. Tell those who were upset about not being invited that the guest list was tough because it had to be significantly paired down and you're just as disappointed as they were that they couldn't share the special day with you. If close friends or family still feel miffed about not getting on the guest list and they're ones you want to make amends with, invite them over for dinner so they have intimate one-on-one time with you both. Or if you want to cover all the bases at once, have an informal gathering, like a brunch. You don't have to outright say "here's a party for the non-invites!" but you can let people know you really wanted to share your wedding with everyone, but that doesn't mean you can't share your post-wedding hospitality with loved ones and celebrate the fact that you've started a new life together.

Answer 4

I had a similar issue only it was 'why cant I bring my kids'. I told ppl who asked me very simply that I did not have the $$$ to invite ever person I would have liked to invite. That my wedding was basically very close friends and family. & you really cant make a rule and break it for one person. it's not fair to anyone else. Try not to make it sound like it was just them either. Tell them that there were so many ppl you wanted to invite but cauouldnt afford it. That way they dont feel singled out. I really feel your pain!
I had the choice between 300 guests and not having the wedding I wanted or 100 guests and having the wedding of my dreams. I choose the wedding of my dreams! I refused to spend all that money on feeding ppl I'd see for 30 seconds and then spend years wishing I spent that $$ on something else!

BTW, some ppl invite ppl only to the ceremony and not the reception. I didnt have the cajones to do that but, maybe thats an option for you.

Answer 5

Wow, people have nerve!

I am going to ask one question, and I'm not attacking you by any means, I just want to cover all the bases....

Are ANY of the people who are upset over the lack of invite people with whom you've shared details of planning? That would probably explain some of the hurt feelings....

Again, I'm not attacking, just encouraging you to look at it from a different perspective - if these are people who spent several months listening to you talk about your dress, flowers, bridesmaids, cake, menu, showers.....they probably felt like they were a part of the day and expecting on some level to be included in the excitement. You probably didn't mean any harm at all - I know how exciting it is to plan a wedding! - but may have inadvertently gotten the wrong idea, and a heartfelt apology is in order, and these would be people I wouldd invite over for dinner when I got my wedding video or proofs back and share the memories with them.

If that's not the case, and they're just that bold, I wouldn't even be that sorry. I'd probably just say very little beyond "I'm sorry. I wish we could afford to invite everyone." And that's it.

Answer 6

Oh, that's awful, people have so much nerve when it comes to weddings, dont they? Its annoying.

Honestly, I can be a pretty mean spirited person so this may not be thr route you would like to take, but I'd call them out for their rudness

Friend:Mary, I just found out that Jane got an invitation to your wedding, was my invitation lost in the mail or am I not invited?
You: I'm sorry Sue, we were't able to invite everyone we wanted to because of some limitations we had and you were unfortunately one of the guests that we had to cut from our list.
Friend:Why wasnt Sam cut then, I've known you for just as long as she has and she got an invite?
You: You know Sue, I dont think you probably know how rude your confronting me over this actually is, I mean, Miss Manners would probably cringe if she witnessed this display by you, so you know what? I am going to walk away and pretend that you didnt approach me at all, that way I wont have to tell anyone about your incredible audacity and you wont have to wonder why people are looking at you with disgust.

Again, I am mean when it comes to stuff like this, but I think calling her out for doing it would really shut her up toot sweet.
Good luck!

Answer 7

Just a suggestion--my husband and i had a very small, private wedding. But a couple of weeks after the wedding, we had a HUGE party and invited all of the people that weren't invited to the wedding. We made sure that the invitation to the party said "no gifts please" so people would think we were just looking for presents. It was a great success and MUCH less stressful than a huge wedding. We just let people know that we were having a super small wedding but we hoped they would be able to join us for the party to celeberate. Also--it wasn't a big elaborate party, just snacks and drinks

Answer 8

This is the precise reason I opted to have an island wedding - puts the onus of attendance on your friends and family.....if they couldn't afford the trip to St. Lucia, they couldn't go, plain and simple. It was great because my wife and I got to flip the tables after inviting everyone, then ask why some of our friends and family didn't make it. We just had a photo and video package put together to send to everyone who couldn't be there so they could at least have a share of the experience.
Bottom line is you pay the bills, so work within your budget. True friends will understand and respect your decision.

Answer 9

I don't think it's the thought of someone feeling they are "entitled" to be invited, but rather the thought of they would really like to be a part of your day.

If I were friends with someone for 20 years and wasn't invited to their wedding I would probably feel offended too.

But when you are approached just explain that you are on a very tight budget and have decided to have a very small wedding. There is nothing else you can say. They will just have to accept it and move on.

Answer 10

I went through this and was really upset and completely offended. All I could think was, how dare they call and confront me on this?? It is my wedding, not theirs!

My solution was to apologize if they were offended (nothing more!), and explain that we did not have enough money to invite everyone we would like to, that there were many other cousins/friends/etc not invited. One person wouldnt let it drop, and actually asked me to call our venue and aske if we could redo our choices and make the dinner cheaper! I told her it was my wedding and I was choosing the dinner for my guests. If she wanted to pay $45.00 for her plate and the additional cost for her favor, I would gladly include her in the festivities. She said $45.00 wouoldnt make us bankrupt, and I said no, but $45 for the other 100 cousins we both have who werent invited is $4500! I dont think we will be talking soon, but what are you gonna do?

Answer 11

my guess is these offended people have either never been married or so rich they don't have to worry about money. if they are really friends they will get over it and realize that it's not always possible to include everyone you want there. my wife and I had to make some compromises with our guest list. we had a relatively small wedding (125 ppl) and more than half of that was family, so naturally some people get left out. if these people have the balls to complain to YOU about it, there is nothing wrong with explaining these reasons to them. and again, if they really are friends they will understand and be happy for you anyway.