if you don't have the money for a big wedding, why do people bother?

Question

i have been to several weddings recently where there was almost 200 people and all were cash bar. i was invited to a "jack and jill" for all. most couples made it clear that these events were for them to make money for their weddings. i was invited to bridal showers where many of the invitations indicated that monetary gifts were emphasied. there were never any bridal registries indicated and it was communicated via word-of mouth that cash was the only option for wedding gifts. i totally understand that parents do not pay for weddings anymore.........my sister is really tight for her own wedding due to this. why don't people do what is within their means? i.e. if you can't have an open bar.......just invite immediate family? treat the guests you can afford to invite really well. what's with the wedding extravagence for people that can't afford it? when i got married it was city hall, dinner for 15 and a good nights sleep in a nice hotel. what's up with todays weddings? please advise.

Answer 1

We married in 1959 - at the City Register Office. I made my own dress in very pale silver blue (his fav colour), blue shoes with a tiny heel. The ceremony cost 7s 6d. (35.5pence)
There were 12 of us there and we went to a Steak Bar for a steak lunch after; then we had two weeks in Cornwall (by train - our friends came to wave us off at the station and throw confetti).
We're still together, caring for each other, over 48 years later.
It didn't cost my parents a thing apart from some white ribbon for my father's car.

Answer 2

Party Favors are a HUGE waste. No one ever uses them and most of the time they are thrown away or the bride and groom have so many extras they don't know what to do with them. I agree on the wedding dress- you can find a beautiful wedding gown reasonably priced under 1000. I do however disagree with you when it comes to the flower arrangements. Depending on the size of your wedding - you can find a reasonably priced florist that can do smaller affordable centerpieces. I once went to a wedding that put a small sticker under one chair at each table. At the end of the night - the one who had the sticker got to take home the centerpiece and enjoy the flowers for a few weeks after the wedding. In my opinion fake flowers make a wedding look cheap. Before people start planning I recommend doing this: DECIDE ON A BUDGET. Remember - a budget is not something you go over. It is something you stay under. Then pick your top 3 things you would like to spend the most money on. Everything else can be cut back. Example: who really needs a 200 person guest list? Or - instead of a 5 layer $$$ wedding cake, get something small for just the bride and groom , then cut sheet cake for the guests. This will save hundreds!!! People need to keep in mind: a wedding doesn't make a marriage. Is just a party. With all of the reality tv shows out there... bridzillas/say yes to the dress/platnuim weddings/etc... it's easy to get wrapped around the idea of throwing the best party ever and having the best wedding out of your group of friends. What most forget is when the day is done and your wallet empty and the credit card bills start showing up ... the stress will be awful and who wants to start off a marriage stressed out and unhappy?

Answer 3

We had a big wedding because we each have huge families and a group of really close friends from college and high school. I never think it is okay to ask for money, no matter how expensive the wedding is. As far as the cash bar goes here was my take on it. We put down a certain amount of money to go toward the alcohol and then when that money was used up, the guests had to pay for their own drinks. I did not want an open bar the entire time because I did not want my guests getting wasted and then getting into their car and killing themselves or someone else. We viewed it as a way to slow down the drinking. People are going to drink more if the bar is open all night then if they have to start shelling out the money.

Answer 4

First off, I am a parent, and while my daughter (17) is no where near the age of getting married, I can assure you when she does, my husband and I fully intend to be very old fashioned and help her pay for her wedding. We may not pay for all of it, but we're planning on paying for most of it.

I think the reason these people go all out is a couple of reasons. #1, they see it advertised on tv, through the reality shows, in bridal magazines, etc. #2, there's a whole industry built up around getting married, and a whole crop of wedding planners (both amateur and professional) who tell you that you "must" do this, or you "must" do that. I can't tell you the number of brides who I've talked to who think that they "must" have a full dinner for their wedding reception. Even here on YA, I've read answers saying that if you don't have a full dinner with a full bar, you're a poor host, and you'll have a crappy wedding. So, don't blame just the poor brides and grooms, there's a whole society to blame for this one. Even in your question, you said to "treat the guests you can afford to really well." That's baloney. If a bride and a groom want to share their day with 200 people, but only serve them cake and punch, then so be it. You're not going to a wedding for the free alcohol and the crappy (usually) dinner, you're going to share the day with people who are supposedly dear to you.

As far as the money grab goes, my solution to it is very simple. I flat refuse to give cash or even gift cards as wedding/shower gifts. I will buy a physical gift, wrap it up, and either deliver it or have it delivered to the address on the invite prior to the wedding. If the couple has registered, I'll buy something from their registry, if not, and I get word that the preferred gift is cash, I'll deliberately go to the smallest boutique I can find, and buy something that I can't find anywhere else. Call that rude, but I think it's horribly rude for couples to "dictate" to their guests what to give them as a gift. According to etiquette, a wedding gift is optional, not mandatory. Yes, this is even if you go to the wedding and eat. I don't think about how much the couple is spending on my dinner when planning my gift to them, I think about how close I am to them.

Answer 5

I had a wedding for 40 (immediate family plus 5 or 6 friends and their families) in Las Vegas, so you're preaching to the choir. I really really really hate going to a wedding where I feel like it's more of a fundraiser than a celebration.

That said, I do understand why some people have/want/need big weddings. I have a huge extended family -- blood relatives on my side alone would be more than 100, so add my husband's family, our friends, some co-workers, and suddenly, the guest list is well over 200, possibly pushing 300. The sad reality is, as a family ages, and as people get busy with their own lives, the clan only gets together for weddings and funerals. If weddings ceased, then family only gets together when there is a death, and boy, that's sad. My brother got married six months before I did, and he opted for the big wedding. Our family and the bride's were thrilled to get together, so it's hard for me to chastise him for going for the big event. While money was certainly tight, they did not make the event into a cash-grab or cut into their guests' comfort with stinginess. For that, I applaud him.

Answer 6

While I personally HATE cash bars and had a true open bar at my wedding 8nothing off limits etc* I can understand why some ppl have them. Not everyone makes alot of money & it's just more important to them that the ppl they care about are there then wether you can get loaded for free on their big day. Some couple have a cash bar to try and prevent guests from drinking to much. Also, why do you really care what ppl ask for as far as a gift? I always give ppl cash at weddings b/c I know it's just so much more helpful to ppl. Plus, I dont have to drive to a bed bath and beyond and try to decide what to buy ppl off of a picked over list.

Bottom line: Its great the city hall/dinner was what made your day specail. Not everyone wants that kind of wedding & not everyone feels complelled to choose free booze over the wedding they want.

Answer 7

I'm not a girl but I have two of them (22 and 25) that are married. They both wanted a big wedding and I think that it is something that all girls want from the time they are very little. They build up in their mind what their wedding suppose to be like and if you don't have the means to provide that then they are disappointed. I would consider myself middle income and a lavish wedding without going in debit just isn't in the cards. My girls just finished college and were married within eight months of each other. I gave them both the best wedding that I could afford but told them anything above what I could provide would be on them. They decided not to have one of those parties that requested money from the party-goer's and I was glad. At the end of the day, both had a nice wedding and were pleased and I spent about $9000 on each which was okay. Finger food and a cash bar with a DJ worked fine.

Answer 8

Agreed.

I've been to a 40k wedding, everything in elegance and top-of-the line.... then they have a MONEY DANCE!!!!!!!!!! Yikes.
Also, bride doesn't work and husband payed for it all using his life-savings. Husband drove a 1982 jeep he drove in HS. Bride trowed a fit when he got a new car "because he was being selfish because that was money that could have been used in the wedding" it didn;t matter to her that his car was being towed everyother day and was beyong repair at 200k miles!. They received mostly monetary gifts, but it didn't even come close to cover the costs of the wedding as they were hoping for. The did have an open bar, but the food was rather few and modest..... but they had fabulous flower centerpieces on each table. I do not get it.

I've never been to a cash bar wedding and I've never been invited to a wedding where they have plain straight asked for monetary gifts. If I would, I probably wouldn't attend such affair, but I don't have tacky friends that lack sense or manners.

People should have the wedding that they can afford instead of the wedding of their dreams. I've seen people spending 50k and get divorced a year later while STILL paying for the wedding loans and credit card bills related to the wedding.

Why spending money on champagne to serve it on plastic cups? It just makes no sense. I've been to lovely bbw weddings without such pretentiousness. No one is foooled by those champagne dreams on a beer budget. To me, those folks look even cheaper.

Good luck

Answer 9

I understand your point, but I guess some people just cant get over the dream of a huge wedding.

Im getting married soon, and we dont have the money for all that. So I chose what you suggested, a smaller guest list but a beautiful place, an open bar, favors for my guests, etc. I wanted my day to be beautiful, with the people I was close with, not all 200 of my cousins.

And in return, I recieved phone calls from upset relatives saying they werent coming because their kids werent invited, or so-and-so wasnt invited, and calls from the uninvited guests themselves telling us we should have picked a cheaper place, etc.

People wont be happy unless its what they want, they told us they would rather have a cheap wedding with an open bar and more people invited, but in reality they would probably just complain about the open bar after all.

What gets me is, it's MY WEDDING! No one cares what we want, it's all about them, and they throw a fit. This happens all the time, there are so many questions on here about upset families, everyone needs to get over it and be happy for the couple!

Answer 10

Because, don't you know, if you don't have the wedding with the $5,000 designer dress, attendants in designer gowns, with the expensive rings, sit down dinner for 400 with dessert bars, candy bars, mashed potato bars, flowers imported from sixteen countries, a dove release and fireworks display, your marriage is DOOMED! DOOMED I TELL YOU!

Or at least, that's what TV would have you believe. /rolls eyes/.

Honeslty, I couldn't agree with you more. Weddings are not fundraisers. Gifting is not required - and certainly is not required to "cover the cost of your plate" at a reception. It's a celebration of love between two people taking the next step in their lives. And since the Happy Couple is hosting the event, it should be what they can afford.

I agree 100% with what you're saying. If you can't afford an open bar, don't serve alcohol. Weddings aren't an excuse to get a free meal and booze. You're there to celebrate with the couple. And guests should be treated like guests, not paying customers.

If I had my choice, I'd rather attend a backyard barbecue where no alcohol was served at all, but I was made to feel welcome over a black-tie, sit down dinner where a pricey gift was "expected" and I had to pay for drinks.

Answer 11

They remember weddings they have been guests at, where perhaps people could afford those, that were opulent. Then the weddings at TV and movies.

They get the idea those weddings are what they want for themselves, regardless that they cannot afford them.

Then, they start using the phrases "I deserve it" and "it's my Special Day, and I deserve for it to be beautiful, just exactly the way I want it, because I am the princess and it is the most important day of my life."

And people they know say things like "It's your Day, and you can have it any way you want to have it, and do anything you want to do. It's Your Wedding."

No one has anything to say to the people who have to pay for this except "See this line at the bottom of this little square piece of paper? Write your name, then write some numbers in that box, and make sure there are a lot of zeroes."

There you have it.