So what exactly are we? Serious answers only please.?

Question

I figured I'd put this question out to the masses.There is a guy in my life who I have been friends with for about ten years.In the beginning it was just a friendship,I was engaged to his best friend.After his best friend LEFT ME,we became closer.Eventually I came to love him.I told him about four years ago that I had feelings for him and that they wouldn't go away.He told me he loved me,but wasn't sure what kind of love,and that he wasn't saying we could never be together,just not now.It's been four years and we are slowly approaching 30.We are incredibly close.We talk everyday,we go out.He pretty much hates all of my boyfriends,he won't call them by name.As of recently things have gotten closer.He took me to his brothers wedding,he actually took initiative and got me one hell of a christmas gift,we're going away together,and when he decided to buy a house he asked me to move in (pretty much as a roommate).I just can't make heads or tails of it.Everyone thinks we belong together...

Thank you all so much. To answer some of your questions...nope we are not sleeping together, never have. In the years I have known him he has had 1 serious girlfriend (kind of hurt him) and several casual. He is no longer best friends with my ex ( they barely speak). My ex and I split 6 years ago and he is happily married. Yes I know his family pretty well, we have a great relationship, as he does with mine. And wow, I'm glad I'm not the only one who picked up on the commitment issue thing. Thank you guys again for your time and advice, I really appreciate it!

Answer 1

He wants a girlfriend without the title. That's what it seems to me. If the two of you are approaching 30, it may be about time for you to try to take things to another level. If he says he is not ready then its probably because he just doesn't want a commitment

Answer 2

Sounds like he likes you lots... (thoughtful, wants to spend a lot of time with you, jealous of your boyfriends, etc) but he's not so much in love with you that he's willing to take the plunge and make a full relationship out of this. Otherwise surely he'd have done something about it rather than umming and ahhing about "not being sure" what kind of love he feels for you.

You're not going to know how compatible you are as partners unless you properly get together though. You've a good solid foundation for your relationship, I'd say approach the subject of officially becoming a couple.

Take it slow and easy to begin with, you don't want to ruin a friendship, If it works out and you both feel it's right, then fantastic. If it just doesn't work, then at least you'll know, and you can stay friends. Do make sure you're honest about things like cold feet though, you don't want to hang all your hopes on the relationship if he's not happy giving 100% to it.

Answer 3

Well, are you sleeping with him now without a commitment? Usually, when a guy is already getting some & he says that he may want to be with you later, it's just so that he has a back up & so that he can keep sleeping with you. HOWEVER...
I have to admit though this guy has thrown me for a loop with this one though. Asking you to move in with him is like making his bachelor pad...well, not so bachelor-like, you know? Plus you've obviously met his family, and the 2 of you are taking a vacation together.
It sounds as if you guys are already together, just without any sort of label. Maybe he's some sort of commitmentphobe. Has he had serious relationships since you've known him? It could be that without putting a name to it, he still feels comfortable.
Good luck, and if it's been 4 years since you last spoke with him about where you're relationship might head, I suggest renewing that discussion.

Answer 4

As a representative of the masses, I would say he has some commitment issues (based on your description alone). People often have strange behaviors they pick up early in life that carry into their adult life.

I seriously doubt those issues will go away.

The fact you did not mention any physical relationship implies that he realizes you would go "all in" if the friendship progressed to that point. If it has gone to that point, then obviously you feel all in.

Your description implies he is someone who wants it all, but not in a way that is mean, just in a way that is unsure of what decisions to make and wanting to be certain.

I would do two things. Lay your feelings on the line and ask for a committed relationship. If he waffles, which I would guess he would, then distance yourself a bit. I don't mean to cut him off, but don't talk about your dates. Keep relationship topics off the table. Of course, this course of action is a bit manipulative, but for getting a guys interest, it really works.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Commitment issues you may think you belong together but if he won't commit then you arn't i think he sounds a bit controlling like he wants you to want him but he doesn't want to date you, basically you 2 need to speak about this but i personally as an outsider think he is a bad egg if he really loved and cared for you he would want to date you and let people know that you two were together, i think he sounds like he is unsure and prob doesn't love you the way you love him, maybe you should take a break and see who/what else is out their for you in the world after all if you want a family and such you can't wait forever.

Answer 6

So basically you two operate like a couple, just without all the sex involved. It sounds like a good story to tell anyone for that matter. I know it's been 4 years since you've visited this topic with him, however, if you feel that he is the one then by all means go for it. I just hope that he still isn't best friends with your ex-fiance still. Me personally I could never date a woman my best friend was engaged to, but if you two were meant to be together, then show no shame and claim your man.

Answer 7

So what are your expectations after you move in? Honestly, moving in opens yourself to meeting his dates, because remember you are moving in with your friend and not your man! Men have a incredible bond of friendship unlike ours, you were engaged to this mans best friend. You should switch with him, everything, friends, you the whole deal. What do you think, how would you feel? Pretty ackward hugh? Did your love you developed for him occur because you felt sorry for yourself and he was there to confort you? We tend to attach ourselves to people when they are supportive during bad situations even with other women. Other women instantly become our new best friends if they are supportive, we develop a new respect or feeling for that person assisting us with our emotional wounds. I am sure he loves you as a friend but in the back of his mind, he may be wondering if you really loved his friend since you now say you love him. He may also think that you want to be close to him to be close to his friend and then something flutters and sparks and WHAM you're back with his friend and yall live together???? Now thats some Jerry Springer crap!

Depending on why his friend left you is the obstacle you have to deal with, it could be you. Maybe he was just not that into you and did not want to take that big step and thats ok. I wouldn't move in with him if I were you, thats a train wreck waiting to happen

Answer 8

If you move in feeling like you do, and he want's you to move in as a "roommate " don't do it. If he won't commit to you and the eventual starting of a family, living together will only cause problems. If you're almost 30, you're old enough to make the tough decisions about your life to keep you out of harms way. In this type of situation, if he's not completely about being with you, think with your head, not your heart. Hope it works out either way for you.

Answer 9

Is there anything physical going on between you two? If not, sounds like a brother/sister type of love that he has for you. It's hard to say though because I don't know either of you. Only you know how you both act when you are together. If he asked you to move in as a roommate, then I would think that his feelings for you are not romantic.

Answer 10

It sounds like a definite relationship closer than just best friends to me. It's just that no one has taken the initiative to actually propose it be something more. It may be out of fear of a total commitment, but it sounds to me like the only thing you don't have is marriage to the guy. If I were you, I'd propose the idea that's how strongly you feel about him and see where it goes from there. If you're strong on marriage, this may be a welcome endeavor.