My brother is a .... and I don't want him in the house !?

Question

Ok, I have a brother who's ALWAYS in trouble... He's been in/out of jail. He's violent and can't manage his temper... He's been given multiple chances to change himself and he's just gotten worse... My parents tried multiple times to take him in/help him but, it never ends well and he ends up getting kicked out everytime... His latest/greatest he's got a 7 month old son he doesn't see or do anything for- I've given the mother most of my baby things to help.. Although, I do NOT know her. Is it wrong for me to NOT want my brother around my family/children. He stopped by for a "visit" while I was at work and my husband sent him on his way...? I know my parents are going to get upset but I just don't want him around.. I feel that when he is around he's "casing the joint" and waiting to steal our things. Which he's done before...

Answer 1

This is a long one I know, but worth the read... Check it out. No, you're not wrong for feeling that way. I do understand your concern because he is your brother and you love him. Sometimes the only way to help a family member is with "Tough Love". You need to 'cut him off", so he can hit rock bottom. I know that may sound brutal, but my family went through this with my brother and we have a very close and tight knit relationship with one another. It's a hard thing to do because you worry about them, you hope they're ok and safe, but when you have someone that is a potential threat to you and your family because of his temper and lifestyleIf, you can't afford to risk letting him continue to come around with his nonsense because someone is going to get hurt. I can't tell you how many times my brother and father and my brother and brother or cousin got into it because he came home drunk or high. My brother end up sending my dad to the hospital one night because he had gone out and gotten drunk and came home just being billigerent with everybody. We knew there was going to be trouble when my dad came home. I can't remember exactly how it all started, I just remember my dad trying to talk with him and he said something disrespectful to my father and that was it... They got into a physical altercation and my older brother broke it up, but that was just the beginning... We all knew that my dad didn't take no mess and he was not going to let one of his children disrespect him in his home. So, my dad calls the police... after my mom calmed him down and convenced him not to try and find him. They come (the police) and by this time, we thought my brother had disappeared someplace and all the drama was over, but out of nowhere... My dad see's my brother running from the back yard with a 2x4. My dad being beyond feed up with my brother, pulls out his pocket knife as my brother swings and hits my dad in the chest with the 2x4 fracturing 3 ribs and breaking 1 and bruising several others and my brother get 28 stitches in his forearm.
That's when my dad said that's it, it's done... He's can't come back here, drunk or not. My brother end up being homeless for several years. He was literally homeless and he stayed in the neighborhood, so we would see him walking around, smelling bad, looking bad and we'd sometimes go and get him to clean him up, let him take a shower or when my mom would cook a big dinner or if there was a family function, one of us (me and my other siblings) would go and find him. My dad of course, didn't approve for a long time, but my mom would want him there and my dad didn't want to tango with my mom about it. So, we kept an eye on him from very very far away and when he was ready, he came around.
He's now staying with my mom and he doesn't do drugs anymore... He still drinks occassionally, but I think maybe because he's so much older now, he's matured and has learned to control that rage inside him. My brother did however suffer some unfortunate ill affects to his drug use. He got ahold of some bad drugs oneday while smoking marijuana... We don't know what could have been in it to this day, maybe Acid or Angel Dust, PCP... who knows?? I thought they were all one in the same, but anyway. It messed him up mentally and he's no longer the same brother I grew up with and remember and it hurts a lot, but I'd rather have him alive and still functioning for the most as a normal person, than have him dead and not functioning at all. It's been some years now since all of this and fore the most he's fine. He and my dad are father and son again. Infact... As we speak, my dad was injured a couple weeks back and my brother is staying with him until he gets better:):) What you think about that.
Anyway, enough of my story... But, I just wanted to give you a little background on me, so you'd know that I'm not telling you to just turn your back on your brother and not to look back, but you do need to realize the potential dangers in your situation and take them serious. It was hard for our family to do what we did and its given me a totally different perspective of homeless people now. You just never know what's happened in a person's life to get them there and you should never pass judgement.
So, What my family found was the easiest way to do this was to have a nice long talk with your brother to let him know exactly how you feel (hold nothing back) and then let him know that until his behavior changes that he's not allowed to come around you and your family. I would extend to him the opportunity to call when and "only when" he feels that he is ready to take the neccessary steps to get help and get his life in order... and you'll be there for him all the way. But, in the meantime, you will no longer allow him to come around bringing that kind of negativity, nonsense and danger into your lives. Doing this "is not" going to be easy. You will be torn about what to do, but I "would not" suggest this to you if my family had not gone through the same thing.
It's hard because you don't want him to feel as though you're turning your back on him, but be aware, he's going to throw exactly that "in your face". He's going to rant about how you can go to hell and kiss him in places you wouldn't want to:) He's going to rave about how he doesn't need "anyone"and he'll be just fine. He's going to say any and everything he can to make you feel bad to appeal to your love for him, but stand your ground, (it's all game) and whatever you do, try "not" to allow him to push your buttons... Stay as calm as you can and be done with it. Give him his last chance by asking him if he would like to get some help "now" and start making changes (he will reject that offer), then cut him loose.
Don't let his words get to you, because you have done all you can and regardless of what he say's, just know that you've left him with a lot to think about, he knows that you love him and that you can be there for him if he wants the help, but now it's all up to him. You can only want it for him, but he has to "want to do it" for himself!
This is not an easy thing to do, but trust me... It's neccessary.

I wish you all the best

Answer 2

Stay firm and tell him that you don't want him around you or your family. Sounds like he will cause you more problems if you let your guard down. If he has stole from you before he is going to do it again when he has the chance. You are also looking out for your children's safety. Your children should be your fist concern of their safety. As far as your parents getting mad because your husband sent him on his way explain to them that he hasn't changed and they need to open their eyes to that fact. They tried to help him and it didn't work and it won't work until your brother wants it to work for himself.

Answer 3

I have a brother just like that. After numerous attempts of helping him and getting burned. I have cut all ties with him. I don't want him around my children at all. My mother raises his kid, supports him, and does nothing to get him help. His son is now 8 yrs old. And it is never going to change because my parents enable him to continue this lifestyle.

You need to put your family( you, hubby, and kids) first. Walk away and don't look back. When and if he gets help, changes, and cleans up, he will thank you and understand why you turned your back on him.

Answer 4

He's made his choices. As long as he makes bad ones, he also chooses to be cut off from you and your family. He can't have his cake and eat it too. You have to draw the line. He obviously likes his current lifestyle more than his family - He needs someone that will stand up and give him a dose of reality and kick his butt to the curb. I'd be afraid of what kind of influence he'd be on my kids. You can still love him but you don't have to love his behavior - You did a good thing by helping out his son. You could probably alleviate some of your guilt administering "tough love" to your brother by helping out his son and making sure that he knows your side of the family.

Answer 5

I don't blame you. I wouldn't want him around either. Your husband did the right thing, if he's stolen once, you can be sure he'll do it again to you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with a brother like this, but we all have to deal with someone like that at some point in our lives. He's probably a drug addict if he stole from you. You can't help him, he needs to help himself. And with a violent nature you have to protect your children. They come first.

Answer 6

I know he is your brother and you love him but you can't take a chance on him . You have your own family to consider now . You don't want his bad acts to affect your husband and kids. My sister-in -law is not allowed to be here unless my husband is here do to her past actions. If he's hungry fine feed him and send him on his way . You are being very nice to his child and his mother . Your parents should not get upset because they can't even deal with him . Good luck it takes alot of patience to deal with problem family members.

Answer 7

If he is violent and cant manage his temper, then it is not a good idea to have him around you and your children. Your parents may get upset, but, you have to do what is best for YOUR family.

Sometimes we Have to use "tough love" to get the ones we love to open their eyes to what they are doing.

Let him know, You love him, but, until he gets his act together, you cant have him around.

That may actually be the best thing you can do for him. Its a "wake up call".

Pray and trust in God.

Answer 8

The sensible thing to do would be to get him into some rehab / counseling facility that can really help him. Though he may be unwilling to admit it, he wants help but just doesn't know how to go about it.

Convince him that seeking help doesn't mean that he has a problem. Many people have sought psychological help, including myself.

Answer 9

good I h8ted her. Now she will bypass residing house and look after her young toddlers like a appropriate mom! She became so up her very own @ss and thought she became the alpha lady of the residing house together with her very own gang. wander away *****!!

Answer 10

You should tell your brother very clearly that as long as he continues to act like a thoughtless bum, he is not to come to your house, but if he gets a job and starts acting in a responsible manner, you will again accept him as a guest in your home.

Answer 11

when some one finally shows him that you mean buisness and kick him out on his butt and show him what life is about he will straighten up and yea i know it is hard to turn a cold heart to a person that you love like your brother but you'll have to to keep him out of trouble. he end up seeing the real meaning to have to "grow up"