I just got into a big argument with my mother......about when my step-dad sexually molested me when I was?

Question

14. My mother never believed me when I told her what he did to me, she never believed me when this other man she had living with us was sexually touching me down there everyday. I had to live with my step dad since I was 4 until I was 18. Well I dont hate my ex step-dad anymore, its hard to explain but eventhough I am traumatized about that, somehow I was able to live with him and try to get along with him, because my mom was never going to believe me and he was never going to leave the house. I dont know whats wrong with me, deep inside I care for him because he was like a father to me eventhough he did that. I guess I just got used to men molesting me that I didnt care because my mom didnt care. I brought up the subject last night, and my mom still tells me that she doesnt believe me, because I dont hate my ex step-dad and now she is telling me that she thinks that I liked her ex-husband!! Eventhough my mom has always put men infront of her children I still love her to death

She told me that I was mentally ill and that I need to see a dr. I dont understand why she is like that, I love my mom and I am thinking about not talking to her anymore but its breaking my heart. Do you think I am doing wrong, any advice.

I am 23 now I am married and I have two kids. My step dad and mom divorced because he was cheating on her and had another baby with another lady. Eventhough they are divorced she still has sex with him. I thought she had changed since she got divorced but apparantly she still loves him after everything he has done.

Answer 1

Hi,
I think you are a brave girl and you will make an excellent mother to your 2 lovely kids.
The trauma you have now is not just about the past incident, that I think you have come over because you are married and have two kids. But the bigger trauma you have is that your Mom is not believing you. I think that is what hurts you more and that is why you feel like making her believe you. A therapist will definitely help you, but just because Mom or others said that, do you need one? You have to decide that. From what I understand what you said, you dont have any other issues like lack of confidence or sexual worries or hatred for anyone, even your step-dad. In that sense, the only issue that affects you is the fact that your Mom is not believing you and your hurt about it. Please dont push yourself too hard into that. You have come out of all the other worries enviably and you are leading a good life. You please concentrate in your life and children. None can hide truth for long. Sooner or later your Mom will realise the truth and she will feel for you. Leave things to time. And you be busy with your life. If you persist in trying to make her believe, your relation with her is getting affected and you get stressed. Your husband and children need you more, your friends need you more, not your old step-dad who wronged you. Dont spend your time more on this and leave things to time. You will be happier.
Once again, I admire how bravely you came over all your worries. I wish you all the best.

Answer 2

Okay first, don't run away! The world is a crazy place and your not exactly safe if you run away either. Second, you really need more professional help then yahooask. Their are two things that come to mind when i read this. 1. That some victims that are sexually molested when young DO push these thoughts to the back of their mind repressing these images then get confused when little bits of information comes forward later in life BUT ALSO keep in mind that sometimes ppl get confused and get scenes from a bad nightmare or movie they seen yrs a go and remember it but with them as the characters instead & it feels so realistic that ppl remember these things and believe them to be memories that they actually experienced when they did not. Again i really encourage you to go speak to someone with more psychological experience.

Answer 3

Yes, you do need to see a therapist! Believe me I know. My mother was that way, only she believed me...but she stayed w/my step-dad.
Her mother didn't believe her when her father molested her & my aunt(& all of the kids in the extended family). My mother was a whore & my aunt was a liar. That is how my grandma dealt w/it.
Grandma's mother, Granny, didn't believe her when my grandma & my great-aunt were being molested by their step-dad.
I hope you see a pattern. Because I would hate for you to continue this pattern. If you go to a therapist they can help you deal with your emotions. I'm sure you feel some kind of bitterness that your mom chose them over you. My mom is in her 50's & she's still dealing with her feelings towards her parents. That's too long.
Your mom is in denial, so I wouldn't talk to her about this anymore until you've talked to a therapist. They will give you tools on how to handle her & even him. Good luck & I hope that things get better!

Answer 4

My dear girl, I am sad for you. Your mother will never admit that you were right and she was wrong. That would be like saying her whole life was wrong.

You will never be able to change her mind, so I would stop trying if I were you. You are wasting your time.

If you have the chance, as soon as you are old enough, I would leave that house. It is going to take time for you to sort out your life, as it is, but hanging on there will make your life worse the longer you stay under that roof.

You say you love your mum. I feel that deep down that isn't true. I think that you feel that you should say that, because that is the way it should be. If you want to be a good mother yourself, one day, you have got to make the decision to ask for help from someone, and get out of there as soon as you can.

I couldn't love someone who had let me down to that extent and because you were born her daughter, doesn't mean that you have to suffer under her choices. Blood does not make a mother, love does, and caring etc. etc.

Answer 5

Get away from her! I know shes your mother, but you need to simply state " Youre more worried about your men than your child that was traumatized by this, I didnt care anymore, because you never gave a ****, until you can care, I want nothing to do with you"


It is VERY ignorant of her to be like this with you, it is so horrible what you went through sweetie, and you should never have to just 'let it go'.

You are not wrong at all, you are just letting people take advantage of you, so for once, do something GOOD for yourself, see a doctor about all this, you need someone to talk to, get away from your mother for a bit. You need some time to straight things out, because it is never normal for a person to let this sort of stuff go.

I hope things work out for you, and I wish you the best of luck, you diserve it!

Answer 6

My mother said the same thing until she decided to leave him. That is when she found all kinds of sick disgusting things, such as used pantyhose crotches under the mattress when she moved her things. She said that she just did not want to believe that she had not been smart enough to see the signs even though she had been molested herself as a child.

Just give up trying to get confirmation from her. My sister still does not believe it, because I would wait until she went to bed at night, and sleep on her floor with the door locked until morning , so that he would not hurt her. I had to sneak out because she did not want me in her room, so she never really knew what did. I gained 30 lbs., and my grades dropped horribly, until my mother returned from the hospital 3 months later. I told him that i was going to tell my mother, so he stopped, after threatening to kill both her and me if I told.

Maybe you will be able to talk to her about it later in life. My mother finally listened to me 20 years after it happened. In the meantime I invested in some therapy. it has made me a better person today. I laughed when that SOB died!!

Answer 7

This is NOT a healthy situation for you to be in, my dear! I am so sorry this has happened to you—victimized by both your mother and your step-dad.

If you had reached out when you were younger, to someone at school or church, authorities would have investigated and seen to it that you were in a safe place.

It is not too late to get help for this, and get away from your mother, too. As long as you remain with her she will continue to punish you for your step-dad's actions.

Speaking as one who was molested at a very young age, these situations may very well haunt us for the rest of our lives, if we do not get some help in dealing with it. I would encourage you to put some distance between your mother and yourself right now, while you work on getting rid of all the mental and physical abuse that you have been through.

Please, contact a woman's shelter, a church or someplace in your local area where you can get a referral to services available to victims of sexual abuse. If you cannot find anyone locally, or are not comfortable doing that, here is a link to many options for help nationally.

http://www.ask.com/web?q=Where+can+I+get+help+for+sexual+abuse%3F&search=search&qsrc=0&o=0&l=dir

Remember, you are not the guilty one here. You did nothing wrong. It is not your fault. It was your mother's responsibility to protect you as a child.

Just take that one step—contact someone today. Promise me? Promise yourself?

Answer 8

Now that you have spotted the problem, and you have given it a deep thought, and now that you have the weapons to defend yourself, get over it.
The side you have seen in your mom's personality is not to her advantage in your relation.
I think that if you care for your "relation" with your mum more than for your own frustration, re-discuss with your mum to tell her to forget what you said.
I know this will add an extra frustration to the existing ones, but it could be worth the sacrifice.
Otherwise you would have to accept the build up of a deteriorating relation with your mum and another extra stressful and painful experience.
make a new life out of the family house immediately.

Answer 9

I for one agree with your mom, in saying you need to talk to someone. What you experienced is traumatic, and now you have 2 children. Don't carry any of this over into your new life. Be the better mother. Love your children. Learn to deal with your mother on your terms. I will pray for you

Answer 10

Well maybe your mom is just so mortified that SHE LET that happen to you she can not mentally accept it. So, she tells you that you are lying, mentally ill, etc. If you are being sincere, then I would strongly suspect that this is indeed the case and that your mom could benefit from some shrink sessions. Some counseling would help you feel more confident and comfortable in future relationships with men. (I am assuming you want to eventually get married /have kids etc.)