Should I stay with my husband? I think he wants a servant instead of a wife. (pls read & give me some advice)?

Question

he's so mean to me all the time.. for example: this morning I had a horrible headache (I do just about every day) and he wanted to take a nap. I asked him to please watch our one year old just long enough for it to subside and he just went off calling me lazy and a big a$s. He jerked his blanket off me and said he didn't want me to cover up my big a$s with his blanket. I told him to kiss my "big a$s" and he told me to map off an acre. This happens quite often. We're only 25. He won't sleep with me, and he's ALWAYS in a bad mood. It doesn't matter what I do. Maybe 15 mins out of the time we see each other he is decent, and that's when he's getting his way. He never wants to be intimate (it's been several weeks since we had sex and months since I've gotten anything out of it, if you know what I mean.) The only time I've noticed a change is if he gets up (he works at night) and sees that I've cleaned my butt off and the house is spotless. Then he thanks me and is decent. I just don't get

Answer 1

Any time one spouse or the other is verbally abusive there is a serious problem. You shouldn't put up with it. If he can't treat you like a person then you shouldn't stay with him. I'm not saying to get a divorce, but I thin the both of you seriously need some counciling. If that doesn't work then get out. No one has the right to treat you like their maid, especially someone who is supposed to love you.

Answer 2

I would recommend the book "Love and Respect" as something that might be beneficial. It has some different ideas concerning the core needs of a man (respect) and the core needs of a woman (love). When a woman feels unloved she withholds respect and when a man feels disrespected he withholds love resulting in a crazy cycle that leaves both unfulfilled. At some point either the wife needs to respect the unloving husband or the husband needs to love the disrespectful wife if there is to be any hope of change. A great phrase I have heard is to "treat your spouse as though they already were what you wanted them to be" with the result being they respond to the way they are treated by actually becoming that better husband or wife. Hope some of this helps.

On a side note: I (husband) work night shifts so I know it creates conflict. The wife comes home and is wanting to wind down and I am waking up and needing to wind up. With both of us on different cycles all the time it takes a little more patience.

Answer 3

If you feel like you are gonna tolerate that for the rest of your life, then stay. But if not, then the first part has to be done with the help of a therapist, the communication is not working, for one side you allow him to talk you like he does, and for the other you answer as him but with a women voice, nope, respect has to be recover if the relationship is gonna work for good.

About the house tasks, it has to be equal, I don't know if you also work or not, but that doesn't mean that is your duty to have a house spotless, the decency is ALWAYS not with conditions if not he is not decent AT ALL no matter what.

You have also to think in your kid, which kind of example you want for him? Parents yelling each other big a@$ or kiss my a@$? ....

OK, the worst scenario I can think of is you staying as it is now, you been unhappy, your kid growing up as him.... poor of the next woman...!

Good luck.

Answer 4

This sounds similar to a situation that my Husband and I went through just this past summer.He's 24.I'm 26.

Working overnight loading trucks is a very physically demanding job,not to mention the other guys (especially when he first started out) giving him a hard time.

My point is he had trouble switching gears when he was home and was talking to me like he would to them(pretty rudely).Saying pretty mean and hurtful things without really thinking about how that's not any way to talk to a woman.

So I know how you feel.I felt unloved as well.

Unfortunately when I asked him to come to counseling with me he refused,so If you can't get him to go with you that approach will not work.

But it is possible to talk it out with just the two of you.

You two need to set some time aside to talk(not yell)to each other.It's important that both of you understands where the other one is coming from.Explain to each other how you feel about these issues and why.(without any accusing)
Come up with some slolutions between you two and try to react more lovingly even when the other's actions are not so loving.This will keep things from escalating out of hand.

It sounds like both of you have hurt each other,so apologies need to be made.The sooner the better.And don't expect him to do it first.Start by telling him that you're sorry for what you said.You were just reacting out of hurt and anger from what he said and how he spoke to you.Maybe ask him why he gave you that reaction in the first place.
(discuss calmly and go from there)



Also Advice to couples:don't asume that someone knows that you love them.I addition to telling them you've got to show them.Things may get difficult at times,but it won't rain all the time.The storm will pass.

His irritability is probably just from being tired.


If you are a believer pray, and if you need help communicating with each other there are some great books to help and the spirit will guide you.

Don't give up.This is an opportunity for you both to grow closer together.

Answer 5

have you tried discussing this problem with him? that is always a scarey thought especially when someone is so nasty to you. but maybe there is something bothering him, maybe something about you that is bothering him. consider that maybe he feels like he works all the time and that you don't work at all? Some men (and women) beleive that a woman should take care of her husband; maybe he doesn't feel like hes getting that from you. on the other hand, i wouldn't take his actions too lightly, you hear stories all the time about domestic violence (not to suggest that this is anything of the sort, just be cautious all the time). personally, i wouldn't want to be in any relationship where I didn't feel like I was cared about and loved. thats what a marriage should be about isnt it? you should both love and care about each other and try to help each other when possible. But i would first try and speak to him about the whole problem (try a couple times), and if that continues to fail, you might have to consider packing up your one year old and leaving. you shouldn't have to be unhappy.

Answer 6

I think every relationship has a bad phase. But you mentioned that for the most part, your husband is mean, abusive and not intimate. Honestly speaking, I don't think you should put up with it. You don't deserve that at all... Either way..... you should be someone who you can depend on, and love... if he is so mean to you, it's impossible for you to feel good about yourself, and NO ONE has a right to make you feel bad about yourself.

I would suggest chucking it... But at the same time... I think you should try a little more. Try and fix the situation. Talk to him... Ask him to see a psychiatrist.... (You have a baby.... you have to think about what kind of an effect the baby might have if you and your husband weren't together...) So, hang in there a little more... try to do whatever you can to save the marriage.. (not just for yourself, but for your child as well)....

If he still is mean.... I dunno.. atleast you'll have the satisfaction of the fact that you tried your best, right?

Answer 7

Well, I'm still pretty young to have experience in relationship like this. However, hope my advice makes you feel better. Personally, I don't like men who don't respect women, hence I think you should have a serious conversation with your husband to work things out as he can't just stay mad, decent at you days after days. Up till now, things are not so serious but think of your baby when he/she grows up and your husband attitude towards you will affect the kid's upbringing a lot!
Uhm... you should talk to him and if things just don't work out then you may have to think of a big decision.

Answer 8

Both of you should take time to talk. Sometimes when both are emotionally stressed out, they become irrational.
It is important also to consider your husband position. He maybe stressed from work..If you are just a plain housewife then try to talk to your husband for a break. Being a wife and a mom is taxing job. You also need a break.

Remember Try to control your temper and talk to each other. Tell him what and how you feel.

Leaving your husband is not at all a solution.

Answer 9

You're both young and it sounds like a bit inmature.
Speaking to each other in that manner is disrespectful, not to mention a bad example for your child (whether or not you think your child understands). You should be happy that he thanks you for cleaning. I bet many wives would tell you that their husbands rarely acknowledge that. I recommend you read Dr. Laura Schlesingers book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". You might also consider marriage counseling. If you or he has health insurance, this is probably covered. I urge you to also consider the situation you are putting your child in, both at the moment, and if you decide to leave your husband.

Answer 10

Is this happening after your child birth. It could be the reason for some cases. If that is the case be patient and try to concentrate on child and help u r hubby as much as u can. A real husband should be supportive when you are a mother....