How do you deal with a child finding out that the daddy the child has always known is not the bilogical dad?

Question

My child has realized that the biological father is not the father the child has known. The child is confused and I was wondering if you have any advice. Also, the biological father choose not to be a part of the child's life, do you reveal that to the child also? By the way the child is almost 8 years old and has an awesome "Daddy" which is all the child has ever known.

Answer 1

I personally believe there are two types of biological parents. There is a father (this can be anyone who donates the sperm and brings life) and the other is a dad ( this is the man who loves, cares, and raises the child). It's hard for the child to learn that his father is not his biological father, but reassure him that his "dad" loves him and loves him like a son. That sometimes the best parents aren't always the biological ones. He just needs to know who loves him and that it doesn't matter whether he was the sperm donor or not.

Answer 2

Katheryn, it is my feeling that if your child has not only father, which is the "daddy" they have always known, why change the scenery now? It will only hurt and further confuse them.

The most important thing is that your child is in a loving, caring and happy family. If you must explain to your child the reasoning behind having two potential daddies, then to be honest is the best way.

You don't have to say exactly that their biological father chose not to be a part of their life, but perhaps he was unable to be there when they were growing up...that perhaps he lived far, far away, because of his work.
Keep it light, since the child is only 8 years old.

When they grow older and become a teen, you can explain in further depth at that time. Perhaps the child at that time may chose to try and find their biological father.

Good luck to you and I am glad to hear that they have good parents, even under the unfortunate circumstances.

Answer 3

I was adopted.

Tell the child that anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special who loves you to be a "Daddy." It may be better for the "Daddy" to give the child this message. If this is put in wholly positive terms, it will be understood.

I knew that I was adopted before I knew what the word meant, and was always told, "we're GLAD we adopted you." If Dad tells the child, "I'm GLAD that you are my kid," it is all positive.

NEVER say anything negative about the biological father. "The man who is your blood father was not ready to take care of a special kid like you, so Daddy was glad to do it." "I'm glad for the way things happened, and I will always be your Daddy."

When questions come up, just say, "When you are 18 (or when you are older) I will tell you more about your blood father, and maybe you will want to contact him. But until then, you have a Daddy and a Mommy who love you very much, and that is going to have to be enough for you, because we are the ones who are here."

Please e-me anytime with more questions about this---and tell me a few more things---are you married to "Daddy?'

ps. You got some REALLY bad answers to this...I am shocked. This is too important to trust to some of the poorly-informed advisors in this forum. Of the answers that were posted before mine, only two were any good at all. I gave most of the rest of them a thumbs down. Anyone who thinks that you can be totally honest with an 8 year-old has shat for brains. What you CAN do is be positive, express love and gratitude for how things are, and promise that when the child is 18 he/she can seek out the blood father if desired. But never, EVER bad-mouth the blood father. Stay positive, stay on-message. Good-luck.

Answer 4

Tell him that his Real Daddy loves him and takes care of him every day. The fact that somebody else was his biological father isn't really important, because that man didn't stay around to love him and raise him. Hid Daddy adopted him and became his Real Daddy.
You made a mistake in choosing the biological father to make him with, but you corrected that mistake by finding a really great Daddy for him to take care of him. His Daddy chose to be his Daddy because he loves him.
Don't give him any information that will not benefit him. For instance, if his biological father is in prison or has done something bad, try not to let him find out about that. If he does find out, deal with it then.

Answer 5

My son knew from a very early age that his Daddy wasn't his biological father. I kept it simple when he was young and added details as he got older and asked questions. It's hard for him to know that his father wasn't willing to acknowledge him, but in a way I think it makes him a better dad to his own sons now. I made it clear to my son that his birth father's problems were HIS FATHER'S problems and that he's a wonderful person that I'm glad God brought into my life. You seem to have a wonderful man in his life, which will only make it easier for him to adjust to the new information he has. Just be honest and keep your answers appropriate to his age and understanding. He'll ask you about what he wants to know, and if you answer his questions it will reasure him that all is well in the world.

Answer 6

He will have questions about his father, so answer what you can, but make sure you re esure the child that a daddy doesn't have to be blood related to love and care for the child that any body cant be a father it takes someone special to be a daddy and that their daddy will always love them and be there for them.

Answer 7

Since the child is just 8 years old I think by telling him the truth you will be confusing him and complicating the issue. Ofcourse, if the child insists and wants to know the truth, you have to tell him. Time will take its own course of action. It is better to face the situation, than feel guilty for ever.

As Gandhiji put it, "when you are confused follow the truth."

Answer 8

Tell him the truth about his current "dad". And let him know that just because his "dad" is not the biological does not make him any less than his father. It takes more than a name on a birth certificate to make a dad. As far as his real father use caution..you should be truthful but only give him as much information as he can comprehend at this age. Let him know that when he gets older you will talk to him about it. He is going to be curious, that is natural, remember he comes from his biological father so becareful not to put him down. Just try to comfort your son and let him know you and his current "dad" love him very much.

Answer 9

Family secrets always get out. You made a huge mistake keeping the truth from your child for this long. I compare it to finding out you are adopted by accident.

Be prepared to answer all questions regarding their bio father. Share any pictures, memories, etc. that you can about him. Explain that their bio father wasn't ready to be a daddy and that your husband wanted the job. That may satisfy them for now, but this subject will come up over and over again as he/she gets older. They may want to meet their Dad and that side of the family and you will need to prepare yourself for that. Tell your husband not to take it personally if your child wants to meet his "real" dad. It's a normal reaction. If your ex is really a big jerk, your child will figure that out for himself. Just don't make him/her feel guilty for being curious.

Answer 10

You can't! Someone should've told the child sooner! Now you're gonna have a rebel on your hands! And the child will probably end up doing drugs or becoming promiscuous. But, then again, how would I know? And why would you ask an online community something that should be discussed with a family counselor/pscyhologist?