Problems with my daughters father? What would you do?

Question

My Daughter is 2 1/2 years old & her biological father left me when I found out I was pregnant (for another woman,not because of the pregnancy) he denied her at first but when she was 6 months old we had a DNA test and he turned out to be the father so he now pays child support.The whole first year of her life he had only seen her twice.Now that she is 2, he was taking her every other weekend until his girlfriend started complaining that he was using her car (he doesn't have his own)So now it's been a month since he has seen her so I wrote him a message and he wrote me back -----

"you have a good car,get child support,and have no job, so why is it so hard to drop her off and pick her up twice a month?if you really were concerned with me and erika having a relationship it wouldnt be a chore for you.which you kinda make it out to be.and i'll get her saturday,no matter who i have to inconvenience.not trying to be a dick but you make it out to be such a simple solution.just ask these people to stop what they are doing so they can hall you around to get your kid.i wish you could just deal with what i deal with for a week and maybe you'd realize they are not excuses just my **** i have to deal with.i wish i had it as easy as you do.unfortunately right now i dont.once again not trying to be a dick or start a fight just asking for you to be a lil more understanding"

How do I respond to this? What do I do with this guy? He is such a deadbeat and I hate putting my daughter though this, I just want to be a good mother.

She has a father.My husband that was there for her birth and has loved her, taken care of her and just done everything HE should have done.My ex just seems for the most part-disinterested.

Answer 1

If he wants to see his child, it should be up to him to find a way to pick her up. It would be different if he and the child had a close bond...in that situation it would be in the best interest of the child for any arrangement be made however possible. At the child's age and the situation I see so for, I do not think that this is the case. If he wants to see his daughter, he needs to find a way to do so. You are not a taxi driver and it shouldn't be your inconvenience due to the fact that he is not making ends meet. That is his problem and his problem alone. If he cannot make arrangements to pick her up, offer a phone call (I realize that your child would not be very talkative at this age) with his daughter at appropriate times until he gets his act together. This way however you are not denying him his child, but you are not inconveniencing yourself for his deadbeat lifestyle either. In court the judge would look to see has the father kept contact, has the father made phonecalls, has the father sent cards or letters and things of the such. They would not look to see if the mother has done these things for him. It is up to the father to keep in contact. If this child is important to him and he sincerely wants to be part of her life, he will get his act together and find a way to do so....this is exactly what you need to state to him.

Answer 2

The problem I have with this is that there's basically no real urge on his part to solve the time/car problem. Yes, you probably can and should do the driving for a while because more moths will go by and nothing looks like it will change here. The woman in her life is who's controlling his actions here by cutting off his use of the car. He was trying to do the right thing despite his being a clod for having to borrow the car in the first place, and she shut that down.

He's obviously forgotten or never knew that having a kid that age around IS a huge job...proably as difficult as his "real job", so that was a dumb thing to say as a way of asking for help. It seems like, to the best of his sorry abilities, he is trying to comply. Driving is easy compared to what else you're doing on your own here.

The bigger question to ask is if he still wants the visits, and if it is in your daughter's best interests at all to see him in that environment. I would be concerned about the woman over there willing to sabbotage any arrangement, and any relationship he might actually want to build between his daughter and himself.

The energy might be better spent towards a real dad for your daughter, and not a shadow of one.

Answer 3

I would respond something like this....

I receive child support because your half the reason Erika is here, and it costs money to care for her. Being a single mother is not "having it easy" and maybe I could be a little more understanding if I didn't feel like you got yourself into this situation. I don't work so I can care for Erika, and that is no easy task. of course, you wouldn't know that because you've barely had anything to do with her the 2 1/2 years she's been on this earth.


I wouldn't let him off, and I certainly wouldn't have sympathy for him either. he chose to be in this situation and he needs to figure out how to deal with it. So, you should care for her, and shuttle her back and forth so she can see him? He needs to put in a little more effort than that into it.


Good luck!!!

Answer 4

The question is, how good of a father is he? is he actually interested in having a relationship with his daughter or is he doing it out of obligation?

Is he just taking her and then ignoring her for the whole time or actually expending time together?

Another issue, is safety. Does he have a car seat? I hope he is not hauling the kid around loose in the back seat.

And finally, do you want him to take the girl so he can get to know her or so you can get to have some time off?

You cannot make anyone love or care for a child if they don't want to. If that is the case, them your daughter may be better off without her father at all.

Answer 5

Tell your real father if he wants to act like a child, then he can just decline attending the wedding. Have the mother/son dance, and the father/daughter dance OR have songs for each, but instead of just them on the floor have the song dedicated to the mom/dad/stepdad. Have the stepfather who has been there since you were 12 walk you down the aisle either WITH your father or WITHOUT. I would also try to save up the $5,000 that he is contributing to the wedding. People seem to think if they are ponying up the dough they have a right to have the wedding they want for you, and not the wedding the B&G want.

Answer 6

Dont respond to it, as much as i know you want to, just dont. If you live in the same town as he does, and you know he dosnt have a car, why cant you arrange it so you CAN drop her off. There are some cases out there were it isnt the guy being a dead beat, maybe he is really being sincere in the fact that he just has NO way to get there to pick her up. I understand your situation, really, i have been there, but if i had lived in the same town as my daughters dad and i knew he didnt have a car and his girlfriend was that much of a bit ch to not let him use hers to see HIS kid, i wouldnt have a problem driving her to him.

Answer 7

You're very lucky he doesn't take you to court to make you take the child back and forth. THEY CAN DO THAT! If I were him that's what I do. You call him a deadbeat but from the email you posted it sounded like he wants to see his daughter. Why can't you bend a bit and help them out? I don't think you really want your daughter to see her FATHER. Trust me when I say this will come back and bite you in the ***. A similar thing happened to me and I paid for it. I didn't know where the father was but my daughter blamed me. That lasted for about a year, it was very hard. Finally she realized I was telling the truth. I don't see why you can't bring the child to the father. Don't say it's not your responiblity because it is. You should do what you can to make sure your child sees her real father. You have no right making her think that your new man is her father. This is so wrong.

Answer 8

Has he not heard of the novel concept of renting a car?! For $20-$40 a day, he can rent a small car and come pick up his child. Of course, he has to WANT to do that and he sounds like he's making excuses and trying to put the responsibility on you, like it's your fault he's a big, fat loser who doesn't have his own car. Don't fall for it. Simply, and politely, explain to him that he needs to work it out. Send him coupons from Avis or something. You cannot control him, though, and you should just accept that he isn't as interested in having a relationship with his daughter as you are. Give her a good life and let her grow up knowing her father is not her fault.

Answer 9

Is there a reason you can't drop her off? I can totally understand why you think he should find his own way to come and get her. After all he is the father and if he wanted to see her he would find away.
I'm sure its he who doesn't want to take time out of his busy schedule. I would drop her off, just so he has to come up with the next excuse why he can't take your daughter. Dropping her off and picking her up may be an advantage for you. You will get to see the environment he has your daughter in.

Answer 10

I wish I coud tell you something reassuriing Your daughter is 2yrs old your ex wants a relationship with her he needs to make an effort it is not up to you, you need to be the best mother and if your daughter asks one day about him you need to be honest with her, She will one day make the decision to be apart of his life or not. Also she is very lucky to have your husband being her father and teaching what a fatherfigure is all about. I have 2 stepchildren and the mother did not want to make the effort when they were young they are 21 and 18 honour students and happy. My daughter loves them both because we made sure to push the positive not the negative of the situation . good luck and be strong unless you lived it no one understands.