What do you think? Do you feel the same way?

Question

I'm not depressed, so don't tell me to go to a specialists.

I have problems with my children's "biological Dad" He has not been there for him, he has visitation allowed from 3-5 every day but he has not come since October 10th of this year.

He owes 20,000 in child support - (were going to court in 2 weeks - with the state and he will prob be thrown in jail)

The kid's have on
My problem is, this stuff is always running around in my head, sometimes I'm upset, Sometimes i'm happy, sometimes i get so sick to my stomache worrying and stressing about what's going to happen with him and my kids, sometimes about court sessions that might come up, money for a lawyere, i mean CONSTANTLY in my head...How do i overcome this? I have other things in my head along with this that has nothing to do with him or court, but i mean how do you get this stuff to go away? or is THIS VERY NORMAL?????

Please tell me your story and offer suggestions that worked for you. ANY help is appreciated. Thanks

He doesn't work, that's the problem. He has all the time of day to sit at home and watch tv but he can't pay child support or visit his kids with all the time he is allowed, that's pretty sad.
But all i can do is move on with our life.

yes im remarried and my kids LOVE my new husband

Answer 1

The court systems are so outdated. I wonder when they'll make family law a little more feasible for both parties. It seems to boil down to two things - child support and visitation. You need to focus on the emotional needs of your child. Something the court systems have yet to address. They instead turn it into a circus over support or visitation issues. You know, 3-5 every day is really quite a task to accomplish if you work. Don't let the courts tell you what to do - think of your child and what would work best for him, his dad and you concerning visitation - try to leave feelings out of it and focus on your child. Whether we like the dads of our children or not the fact remains he is our childs father and for our child's best interests, it's better for the child to have a good relationship with dad. also, it's a little easier for dad to pay support if there's a working relationship with his child, easy visitation guidelines (were talking about men!) and without a bitter mother interfering.
If I focus on the needs of my children more than my own personal vendetta's and hatred, the more tolerable the situation has become. I can't be accountable for my kids' dad's actions nor can I control him just because I'm the mom of his kids and I have custody.
Rest assured your thoughts are normal - but they are your thoughts and you can change that. don't let it eat you alive. It consumed me for 12 years before I realized it was taking my life away. I just had to let go and live again.

Answer 2

No you are not depressed yet, but beware you could be soon if you do not find something to take your worries off this. Find a hobby or interest that you can use to program your "thinking" on. Kids are stronger than we give them credit for. They will be OK if you stand strong & do what is right. Do not talk bad about him no matter how "bad"he is, let them understand & decide this for themselves. Find a good cheap hobby or interest or maybe a second job if time allows to keep your mind occupied & help with the bills. You do not say if you have another man in your life yet, maybe persue your own happiness & get out & socialize a little. Trade babysitting with a friend and go out and see what good men are out there. Get over the looser. Be done with him as much as you legally can.

Answer 3

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all this... Girl, I'm right there with you. In fact, I have court today and didn't sleep a wink last night. It is scary, it's your life, but more so your children's lives that are in the balance. It's not fair that you have to pull the slack because he hasn't seen his kids since October... you have to explain to your kids why daddy isn't around. Lawyers, court, judges, appearances, it seems like your whole life is on trial, am I right? Every thing you do, everything you say can be questioned... you have no room for mistakes or lashing out in anger. You must keep your cool at all times, it's not fair.. Who said big girls don't cry? They do, a lot! Sometimes a good cry is a good stress relief. And a good friend to rely on. Someone to talk to, discuss everything with. Good luck to you... Always remember you are doign the right thing :)

Answer 4

I'm betting your constant feeling of being confused and overwhelmed is pretty normal. I know how it is - there's negative stuff going on in my life too. And I have lots of those moments when I feel like I just can't take on even one more thing. It's not every day; and it's not all day every day when it does happen; but it's often enough to make me feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I know I'm not crazy, but it sure feels that way sometimes, doesn't it? So this is what I do...

When I start feeling like that, I stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and think "Ok, FOCUS! What do I have to do RIGHT NOW?" And I mean, right now, right this second. Ok...right now I have to make the kids' lunches." Then I focus on that one and only task that's in front of me. I talk out loud if I have to..."ok...peanut butter and jelly, here we go...got the bread, now where's that peanut butter?" By doing that, I'm forcing myself to be focused on just the thing that needs to be done. Once that job is done, then I do the same thing for the next task. "Ok, right now I have to put in a load of laundry..." and so on. It sounds ridiculous, but it works for me. For those who would simplify it, they might called in "compartmentalizing" or "living in the moment." I call it my survival mechanism. If you don't do something to make yourself focus on the immediate tasks at hand, all the other stuff banging around in your head will prevent everything else from happening as it should. If you're overwhelmed with EVERYTHING, you can't take care of ONE thing - does that make any sense? And you have to take care of your family - there's no leeway there. That's your job. They need you.

My survival technique may not work right away - but keep trying, because it will work. Just take a minute to focus on just that one, simple, tiny little task that needs to be done RIGHT NOW. Force yourself to think about that and nothing else for the next 5 minutes, or 10 minutes, or however long it takes. And those few minutes of relief from all the other negative "stuff" will give your brain a much needed break. And by giving your brain a break, even just for a few minutes at a time, you'll be calmer and therefore better equipped to address the big issues - one at a time. If you can't think clearly, nothing"s going to work. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

I moved on and didn't worry about any of it. If child support is owed, they will have to pay no matter how old they get. That is something that you can't file bankrupcy on. As far as visitation goes, you can lead a horse to water, but can't make them drink. The same way with fathers, so I went on with my life tried to teach my kids that their dad loved them, but was messed up in the head. I told them that they just needed to go on with their life, and at some time their dad would be there. Until then they had to move on, just like I did. It takes a lot of control not to bash them, but that only hurts the kids. I never went after him for back support, and when he would say something, I would just say, " It's up to you how good of relationship you have with your kids, and if your money means more to you then them, I'm sorry for you." My life went on, and to this day, my kids call me, and only two that have a so-so relationship with him, one doesn't talk to him at all. But they all know that no matter what they can count on me, but they don't put any faith in their father, because his money still means more to him than a relationship with his kids.
So you can beat yourself to try to come up with an answer, but why hurt yourself any more than you have already been hurt. The more you hurt the more it effects the kids, and they have to come first. Don't worry, it will get better.

Answer 6

Sounds to me like you have a Stress Overload!! Keep reminding yourself that you are ONE PERSON & should take things in stride. Try to prioritize all that is going on in your head by writing important things down. All the “what if’s” and what nots need to be forgotten. Don’t worry yourself sick – It isn’t fair. Just be confident & understand that if you are not doing anything wrong, then things will work out on your behalf!!

You should ask someone to watch your kids for the evening & go get a massage or spa treatment. Sometimes a little alone time is all you need to regain your SANITY!!

Good Luck & God Bless!!!!

Answer 7

I will not go into detail but will say my story is very very similar. You need to keep your kids well being in mind. You also need to realize that they know their security lies with you. You have made it this far without his money so don't dwell on it. Kids are very smart and will realize the truth on their own. If they hear about court or anything to do with it answer their questions but only if they ask. Do not allow this to take over your daily life. You are all your kids have be strong for them. As far as him. He made his bed let him lie in it. Lawyer fees should be paid by the state if you are using the child support office. If not check into this. They will take him to court and it will not cost you a dime.

Answer 8

I think its very hard when there is turmoil in your life to not obsess about it. Its like poking a sore tooth, you just can't stop doing it.

Frankly the only thing that helps me control this sort of thing is talking about it and calming myself down. You cannot control anyone else, only yourself, so give yourself over to something larger than yourself, a higher power, God, whatever and ask for peace.

Also, get more sleep, take relaxing baths, exercise, don't eat junk food, don't smoke or do drugs and meditate. I clean my house when I'm upset, especially all the closets. This will pass, all things in life do, its just a momentary blip on the journey of your life.

Answer 9

First try to concentrate on what you are doing. If you are driving think about driving, try to pull yourself back into the moment.

Second figure out what your part is in the up coming proceedings and do your part, let go of the rest of it because no amount of worry is going to change what's out of your hands anyways.

One physical thing that I did that was kind of silly but helped me was I made a list of things that were out of my control when things were going rough in my life and I found a nice quiet calm place outside. I wrote out all those things on a piece of paper, and tied them to a helium balloon and let them go and watched the balloon until I couldn't see it anymore. I know it's silly but it was a simple tool that helped me to let go of the things that I couldn't change anyway...

Hope this helps!