what should my mindset be on this?

Question

My family was borerline poor my entire childhood but I did have a great childhood and I like to think I turned out to be a great person. But I was a "latch-key kid" and my father was a drinker being at the bar, playing poker and losing money, often during the week. My mother is a great lady and did a good job with me but she worked late and never handled money well, spent a lot of money on the house decorating and stuff, way past the point of necessary. She was one to drink at home alone almost everynight. I grew up, graduated high school when my parents split. My parents were strong into believing I went ot college and I did. But they were never there to help me after I left home, my father was depressed about the split and my mother turned into a lady I have never known, she started hanging out with her girlfriends and going to dance clubs. I never got help with money or even any advise, now I am graduated college and have a job that hardly pays the bills, should ibe resentful?

a lot of my confusion lies in the fact that my father lays a lot of flak on me, i now realize that he did want the best for me but at the same time he never showed me the way and drank himself deeper into depression because he was a failed pro athlete and didnt amount to anything. I know some day he wants to say "dont be like me" but doesnt have the guts to admit to himself that he messed his life up. in turn he dumped a lot onto me inlcuding drunken talks which were horrible.

may be howie should read and not be such an ignorant pompous prick, i clearly stated my experiences and situations and they honor some level of resentment. im a grown man making a living in human services but have always had this in the back of my mind wondering if it is relative to any of my problems today that i have not shared.

Answer 1

You can be resentful but what good is that going to do you? Here is some motherly advice that I hope will be of some help to you.

Life sucks for most people. Even the very best people don't do everything right and the biggest secret in the world is that most people don't have a clue how to parent a child and they do a lousy job at it. You are not alone, my daughters grew up with an emotionally distant drunk for a father, who had an emotionally abusive drunk for a father. Neither of my parents were drunks but my mother was (and is) emotionally and psychologically abuse and openly favors her sons over her daughters.

My point is that when you don't have a parental figure in your life to show you how to be a grown up, sometimes you simply have to parent yourself. Taking personal responsibility is the first step, don't blame others. You cannot control the behavior of anyone else, only yourself. Really understanding that you are a good person and you didn't deserve the parents you got. You really didn't and there wasn't anything you could do to make them better parents, it just isn't in them. Drunks are the most selfish people alive, they literally don't see anyone else but themselves. Nothing you did as a child would have changed your dad, its not your fault he ignored you and kept you at arms length. He should have been protecting you, but he just wasn't man enough to do so. I'm sorry for that, it must have been scarry as a child to know he just didn't care about you.

I don't know about your mom, I think you were lucky she had it in her to make sure you had some sort of life, but I think you are simply seeing her true nature now. It might be that she also knows she did a poor job and is unsure how to deal with that.

Your parents may have thought their jobs ended when you turned 18, alot of people do because thats when they were set out by their own parents. If that's all you know, you don't know there is a different way.

What you can do is look at what they did give you, the desire to educate yourself. I don't know how that happened but you are lucky it did, its your legacy. You can always go back to school or get an advanced degree if you are unsetteled in what you graduated with. I'm proud of you for sticking it out, it must have been really hard for you. But you did it so be proud of your success.

If your job isn't paying the bills, then you have two avenues to choose from, maybe both. Lower your debt, simplify your life. Look at what you are spending money on that you really don't need to(like eating out), and make a budget and stick to it. And get your resume out, and get it posted to Monster or some other employment service and look for another job. You will have alot of jobs over your lifetime but if you are working just to pay the bills, you will burn out and fail. If you aren't married, consider getting a second job doing something you like and is fun. It'll give you extra money and you will enjoy what you are doing.

Its easy to get trapped in resentment and defeat, but it just won't get you anywhere. When you do have kids, be the parent you didn't get. I did, I am a great mom and raised my daughters to know they were valued and loved, something I did not get. I don't believe parenting ever ends(it does change however), and would never toss my kids away like I was at 17. You can be the father you wanted, just don't fall into the trap of identifying with your dad and marrying someone like your mom. Marry someone who has enough self respect to not put up with a partner who is not there for her. Your mom probably thought she was doing the right thing for you, but obviously it wasn't. Don't repeat their mistakes.

And get some counseling to help you with the tools to cope. You need to be strong to not feel sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself will create a downward spiral and eventually some other young man will be asking the question you did, only you will be his father. You don't want that. You can break the cycle of emotional neglect that you experienced, I did. Best wishes to you, you'll be ok.

Answer 2

Why waste any of your precious time being resentful? Sure, your parents didn't do the greatest job taking care of you, but don't let it ruin the rest of your life. This part is up to you, and you have the power to make your life, and your future children's lives what you want it to be. Look how much you've accomplished already. Many people wouldn't have made it through college without their parent's help and support, but you did. If your job isn't doing it for you, look for something else. Find something positive in every day, even if it's just taking a walk, and noticing the falling leaves, or watching a funny show on TV. If you find yourself dwelling on the past, it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor - not one who is going to go through every detail of your childhood, but one who will help you move toward the future. Good luck!

Answer 3

No. Don't waste your time and energy on bitterness - life is too short and humans are too imperfect to over-analyse them! Be thankful that at least they pushed you to get an education. Obviously they knew on some level that they would not be there for you financially so they seemed to understand the importance of you being independent and earning a good living. I can empathise with you, I really can, but as you get older you will appreciate what they DID do a whole lot more than you'll resent what they DIDN'T do. Good luck to you. :-)

Oh one last thing - it sounds to me like they both suffer from depression - watch yourself for any signs of it as you go through life and if you feel yourself slipping into a depression or tempted to drink or take drugs to escape, go and seek help immediately.

Answer 4

well life certainly has not been really easy for you or your family - however looking back instead of forward will only lessen the hopeful outlook that you do have. Life gives us stones but we can turn them into pearls with enough willpower. 1. What is your college degree and how can you advance there (talk to local community college- may get free assistance further yourself in this profession or another)
2. Don't be resentful - be forgiving (parents)and that will give you peace within yourself. Don't base the future on the past. Maybe what your parents did isn't/wasn't right but let it go. Be what you can and want to be.3. When your climbing up a rocky hill, look up, not down.If your looking up, you'll see Him who cares for you and loves you like no one else ever will. Seek Him with everything within you and your future roadmap will plainly set in place for you! He knows what you need and wants you to have it! Accept it today.Email me if I can help you further. Love ya! Regina

Answer 5

Sounds like your folks were able to give you a fairly stable life despite their addictions, even if you had only the basics. Should you be resentful? Should and Are is often 2 different things. The past is gone, and it can not be recreated, so there is little sense in lingering there. Your parents likely did the best the knew how. You are now and adult and with experience your job/salary will increase, so you will succeed in life. And likely your childhood will inspire you to be a better spouse and parent than your mom and dad were.

Answer 6

Don't be resentful......it will only sit inside you and eat you up (in other words, it'll only hurt you in the end). Instead of that, try to look at it as a guideline. Know what happens if you go down a certain path and try not to end up the way your parent unfortunantly did. Just because they weren't there for you is not the reason why you are having problems with the bills- the economy is going down and that is a GOOD reason why.

Answer 7

Resentment does not help you in any way. Instead of being resentful be thankful that you now have an example of how not to spend money. Some people must figure it out on their own and some can take others examples and learn from them. I hope you are the latter. Hang in there and focus on the positive.

Answer 8

I was 16 living at home and paying half the bills and had to be home at midnight! Mom and dad split up when i was in 3rd grade. Mom did her best, had to work minimum wage jobs. She needed my help. I would see my dad at Christmas, he was too busy running his bar. I Moved out on my own when i was 18 and never had any help with anything. Put myself through collage. I've never had my power shut off, Mom taught me to be responsible very young. We live on 1600 a month and we are a family of 4.
Some of us are born with plastic spoons in our mouths. There has to be people like us so the rich can keep getting richer.

Answer 9

I think it's natural to resent an alcoholic father who now has the nerve to give you flak. With that said, it's usual for parents not to help their kids after college. They assume the kid is going to support themselves. I would be shocked if they DID help you, since they have serious problems and can't even take care of themselves.

Answer 10

It sounds like you did well for yourself all on your own pretty much. Most people hardly pay the bills, give yourself time to build up some financial 'wiggle room". As for your parents, resentment is fine, pity would be fine also. I wouldnt spend too much time thinking about them though, just keep focusing on building yourself a good life. :)