Why can't I be selfish, at least a little bit, so I don't hurt him anymore!?

Question

I've been with my husband for 10 years now and our relationship has been very troubled since the beggining. From lies in the beggining of the relationship, where he told me he had sex with all these girls, and just last year I found out it was just lies, to things like flirting with other women, etc. Until last year I caught him writing love letters to a girl and went out with her a few times. He insists he didn't have sex with her, but saying things like "I love you, you are always in my mind" to "I will never forget you....", I really don't know if that is worse.

He has never shouted at me, hit me, or anything like that, but the other thing I always complained about is that for him his family is always first, I seem to be at the bottom of the list all the time.

A month ago I told him that I didn't love him anymore, and he hasn't stopped crying since, but I just can't be horrible to him, and don't want to give the wrong impression. I care about him, but I don't love him.

So he always says that he can't understand why I'm leaving him, that there must be another reason, etc etc. I always used to tell him "I am getting tired of all this, and one day it will be too late, etc etc". Unfortunately, that day has come.

He also blackmails me all the time. If I ask him something, the first thing to come out of his mouth is a lie. What can I do????

I don't want to be horrible, but don't know any way else to make him understand that its over, that there is no love left, and that he needs to move on to find that special woman who will love him and care for him.

Answer 1

He sounds like a very weak person. He lies to you, he sits around crying, the guy is a mess. Leave this guy and next time get married to a man, not a boy. You need to be the strong one.

Answer 2

My opinion is that there is no way you will be able to make the breakup hurt less for him. None. Talking and going over the past won't help. Make the break clean and fast and total and complete.
You didn't mention having kids. If you don't, then once you are gone don't have any contact with him unless absolutely necessary.
He has already suffered a month of knowing your plan and having to face you every day. Ouch. My opinion is that it will hurt more if he is blamed for your leaving. Even if it is true, I think you should make it about you, your life, and what you feel needs to be done in order for you to be happy.
His heart will be broken and that is sad but I can not imagine that you came to this decision without heartbreak of your own. He will either get over it or not but you can't worry about him and make a new life at the same time.
How ever you choose to do it, I wish you health and happiness in your life and his.

Answer 3

I was with my X for 13 years and had the same problem....I loved him because he was part of my life for so long but I was not IN LOVE with him. I ended the relationship a few years ago. I am getting married in August and he is still in denial. He begged me not to follow through with the marriage because he still loves me. If the man does not understand or accept it there is really nothing you can do but move on....dragging it out will only hurt him more in the end. And as far as him putting his family first that is BUlL. You are his wife which makes you his family and you should be right at the top of that list and if he can't understand that then he never will. Move on....everyone will heal in time.

Answer 4

Ive been exactly where you are. some of the answers youve had up to now stink BADLY!!!! its so easy for someone who`s never experienced this to throw negative comments around which really arent helpin you at all! It must be lovely to have the perfect life eh! I was always at the bottom of the heap with my partners family. His mother even came before our daughter at 1 point. It isnt like that now. Im not in love with my partner, but i do love him. Dont think it was ever that all consuming amazing love thing but that doesnt stop us having a great relationship now. 6 yrs ago he walked out, didnt ever give me a reason til a few wks ago. I found out then that it was for another woman, he later took me to her wedding when she got married 3 yrs ago!!! good eh!!! Over the yrs ive become far stronger than i ever thought i was. Im in charge now, he understands i wont play second best to his horrible family anymore and that i can manage pretty well on my own if i need to. Im at the stage now (after 12 yrs) where i no longer bite my tongue if his mother and his sister say something awful and ive made it clear that if he just sits there and allows them to do it, as he used to, then im done and dusted and he can walk! I feel so so much more in control of my life and have so much more respect for myself. I can understand how you feel but if it really is it, then unless he accepts the way things are now im afraid it will get nasty as 1 day your gonna run out of patience with him. Is there defo no way back for you both? if not then it looks like its gonna be down to you to make that final break. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 5

He sounds as if he may be a little troubled in his mind. It might be a good idea to see if you can get him to talk to someone who is able to help him. He has lied and you say your marriage was troubled from the start. Most of his lies and fantasies seem to focus on women, yet when you understandably tell him you no longer love him he cries. Maybe you should lay some ground rules and try again, or maybe you have had enough. I don't know the answer, your husband sounds like many men who don't seem to realise what they've got till it's gone.

Answer 6

You took the first step and I would continue being honest. Even though it may hurt him now it is unfair to you to have to continue to be in a situation that is unhealthy for you. Him lying about girls he's been with is not that unusual especially if trying to impress you or convince you of how desirable he is which could be a sign of low self esteem which would also explain him writing the love letters and the overly close bond with family in order to gain the constant feeling of love and approval he feels he doesn't get from you. Which by the way is not your fault since it is most likely just as big of drain on you having to deal with that kind of need and expectation.

You seem like a confident and independent person who probably doesn't need constant reassurance from family and or loved ones so your eventual drifting away from someone who does is to be expected. I don't see how any amount of love or compromise could save this situation.

He needs to sort this out on his own and anything you do out of kindness will be construed as there still being a chance and keep him from moving on. You don't have to be cold but I would not be the person he can reach out to or it will never end. He has his family for that.

You already seem to have a firm grasp on the situation but you cannot try to come out not being the bad guy since there has to be one even if you did nothing wrong. Even though it isn't your fault you can't love someone who is a drain on you and can't give you the love and respect you deserve, it might be ok to take the bullet on this one to save somone who may not be able to handle it.

Answer 7

Be true to yourself and to him.

If you have made up your mind, then be honest.

But be honest to yourself. If you still harbour thought that "maybe it might still work" then tell him your terms. There must be chnages. If you forgive and things return to the "normal", the situation will be doomed to repeat. It is insanity to continue to do the same things and expect different results.

I gotta tell you, I do not believe in divorce. Once married, the couple has to make that commitment work. Too many people think that divorce is a cure-all, a way-out, a just-in-case. It should never be an option.

Answer 8

definite, our off-spring might want to be difficult. extremely fat ones. right here you're...a father that, i'd anticipate, takes good care of himself and what occurs? She beef's out with out interest for your plans of making some massive money renting her out as a attractiveness queen. Now you ought to emphasize about what others might want to imagine of you too. Will they imagine that you're in basic terms white trash? A no account beer swilling father? No, sorry to say. hard love is so as. positioned her to artwork!!! Mow that backyard!! Pull those weeds!!! Get in structure!!! by ability of ways, in case you position her on a starvation weightloss plan, which she so desperately needs, you'll shop extremely some money.

Answer 9

He his only crieing cause he lost you due to his pathetic actions.Men don't like to loose and they will do anything to keep from looking like a looser.He is working on the mind game they often like to play.He didn't cry when he was cheating now did he?Leave and be happy.It isn't about who won or lost.It is about respecting yourself and loving yourself.He screwed up and has to live with it as the same you have to live with the hurt he caused you.Feeling sorry for him will only drag you down and you didn't do anything wrong to feel bad about now do you.It wasn't your fault he did this.It was his lack of love is what did this.

Answer 10

With the exception of the cheating husband part.. this is a familiar story... its not easy.... be strong... do what makes YOU happy.. & the rest will fall into place. Because if you worry about everyone else, you wont be happy & what kinda life is that?
Leave, be strong, be happy. hes only being like this to hurt you & make u go back!
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