What does it mean if your husband says this..?

Question

My husband and I have had a pretty rocky relationship. We have been married for 8 years and have 2 daughters together.
Today, I pretty much reached boiling point and suggested for the first time that we should divorce and I would move back home (5000 miles away).
I expected to hear something like "No, you can't do that. I love you, etc." All I heard was "No, you can't do that to the kids. Just try it, because I'm not going to let you do that (in a threatening manner)". I said "It doesn't make any difference because we don't have a relationship anyways." (we haven't been intimate in 5 months...HIS choice.) He didn't even offer a reply to that.
Now, I am left sitting here wondering if there is anything left to salvage? I still love him a lot but, I know I can't change him and I kind of doubt he loves me. I think he is only in it for the children. I don't want to stick around someplace where someone doesn't really love me. What do you think? Advice please? Thanks!

Empress for the record..I threatened nothing. I know he is an absolutely wonderful father and I never once said that the children couldn't come and stay with him. He just doesn't want that. He thinks we should just ignore everything and be happy for the children.

Answer 1

i think what he is saying is that if u take his children u will be in for a nasty fight. if u love him seek some kind of therapy and take him with u if he is willing to go.

Answer 2

You say you didn't threaten anything, then how would you feel if the roles were reversed and he said, I am moving 5000 miles away, but imagine he was taking the kids. He didn't say you could never see them.
What you said was a threat to take away the kids. Unless you said I am moving back home, but I'll leave the kids with you and work out visitation. He wants to be an active part of his children's lives, not see them 1 or 2 times a year. You can use that to your advantage though. Since he is willing to stay for the kids, he may be willing to work on the relationship for the kids. Staying together isn't enough, you have to be happy together too, or else the children will feel the tension. Try to get him to go to marriage counseling with you. It can't hurt, but it very well may help. You need to get to the root of why you two are unhappy together, and then try to reconnect with each other. It is possible to fix this, if you are both willing to try, and the children may very well be his reason for trying.

Answer 3

You aren't entirely clear on what is making your relationship "rocky". All you've said is that you haven't been having sex for five months, which is certainly hard on you, but not necessarily cause for divorce. If both of you are interested in salvaging the marriage if that's at all possible, I would strongly suggest couples counselling to help you straighten out how you feel about each other and what's gone wrong in your relationship. Even if you can't save your marriage, this may at least help you to be on reasonably good terms with each other, which will be neceassary for the sake of your children if you do get divorced.

Though I know it is very possible to say things you may not mean in a heated argument, I would try to avoid threatening to divorce and move away again. Whether you intended to or not, you ARE pretty much threatening to take the kids away from him. While he may still be able to see him, if you had custody and moved 5000 miles away, he would be seeing them a lot less than you would and visitation would be difficult and limited.

Answer 4

You know us women are very guilty of saying things and already knowing the answer's we want. Got to tell you though. What you have just written, majority of women will totally understand where you are coming from. On the other hand, most men won't. Men do not think like we do. You obviously are frustrated, but adding more fuel to an already burning fire will not help you honey. You mention there are other area's of your relationship that have changed. Why are you and your husband not talking about it, and I do mean talking... Not name calling, not sarcastic remarks, or anything demeaning to the other party. In closing your husband probably does love you. Stop pushing each others buttons and both of you take a look at your relationship. If you want out, that is real easy. However to stay, although might be a wee bit harder, and will require much talking, listening, understanding but will be much better for you all. IF YOU STILL LOVE ONE ANOTHER. :-)

Answer 5

My advice would be that you two need to clarify in your own minds whether you want to continue with the marriage or not.

You said above that you love him, but you're not sure that he loves you. Here's the rub (and I learnt this in 17 years of marriage). Before you wonder whether he loves you, you need to be sure that you know what YOU want.

If you still love him, then say to him: I love you and I want this marriage to work. End. Then ask him: Do you love me and do you want this marriage to work because you love me? If he says yes, then tell him straight out: I need reassurance that you love me and that you want to remain married to me, not just because of the kids. Then see what he says.

Also, ask him straight out about the sex. Sex is part of marriage and if it just stopped for no apparent reason, then you have a right to know why.

Don't complicate things. I hate to say it, but most men are not very good at reading between the lines, innuendos and sensing emotional distress or double-talk. So keep it as simple as possible and as straight-forward as possible. The more straight foward you are, the more likely you get a straight answer back.

You should be prepared to hear things from him that you may not expect or like to hear. After you've had your conversation, don't argue!! Be nice and if you feel upset or argumentative, go to another room and calm down, or better yet, suggest to continue the conversation the next day after you've both had some time to think and leave it alone until the next day.

Forget about who gets the kids in a divorce. You're not at that point yet, but FYI, unless either of you is an unfit parent, you're likely to get joint custody with one of you getting residential custody. He has to consent if you plan to take the kids out of state or out of country and it is his right not to consent and chances are, he won't. I wouldn't either, to be honest. So do prepare yourself mentally to stay in the area where you are living now. If he does consent, then he can ask the court that you pay to fly the kids to see him for visitation. I say this because people suggest: oh.. just take the kids and go... no.. it's not that easy if he's a fit parent and if the kids are in school and have established a social life where they are now.
Anyway, try and get some clarity about your relationship first, then worry about the rest later.
Best of luck

Answer 6

My parents stayed in it for the kids and it sucked. I would suggest professional counseling. If he doesn't want that be prepared for a nasty divorce. He sounds controlling and distant. He is pushing you away for a reason. Try to talk to him in an adult manner, if he is incapable of doing the same then suggest counseling. If he doesn't want counseling then it's time to rethink the whole thing. I would try to get to the bottom of his distant and listen before you speak. Use phases like "I feel this way when", "I feel that this", etc. Good luck with your family. Chin up and get some moral support even if he doesn't want to work on the relationship.

Answer 7

He's a control freak for sure and you have a problem that would be better handled through the police or Child Services,not here.Threatening manners to you are (in most places)"terroristic threats",and one can be arrested for it.Not being allowed to use the phone or leave the house w/o first getting his approval are criminal acts as well.Maybe you don't think it has gone that far but each 'discussion' you have about this will escalate in severity and tone and before you know it you will find yourself on the floor wondering what the hell happened. Talk to your closest friend,one you totally trust,and begin a journal of this problem and keep it at her house,that way he won't know its existence and cannot destroy it.
You are not the only lady with this type of problem,but you must document these things for the day when he hits you or threatens you...and the odds that that will occur grow each day as you two argue this issue.
If you cheat on him it will compound the problem and in the end will hurt your position to file divorce.Find ways to re-direct your sadness until the day you make the move to leave him.Begin to tuck small amounts of money away,and using your good friend's address,try to get at least one credit card in your name only.

I encourage you to exercize restraint and patience and avoid talking to him of this issue...the less time spent doing that will help your escape plans.You said it yourself,you doubt that he loves you anymore so act in your own best interest and bide your time.
Please,feel free to e-mail me,talk,or just to know that people can help when it seems too much that day.
I wish you well lady,that's all I can offer you.

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Answer 8

If you really want to salvage the marriage try getting him to a marriage counselor or minister or whatever it takes. At least it will give you some peace if it doesn't work because you tried . If you feel threatened and have to leave, just do it and then talk to him from a safe distance. Good Luck

Answer 9

ahhhh dont despair hun, i understand how you feel! you are in a cold relationship that has run out of steam...but it can be salvaged...you may feel like divorcing your man and starting afresh elsewhere but you have two beautiful daughters and still have love in you heart for you man so sit there and think...

you need to re-establish communication NOW...have someone care for your children, and make time and space to talk with your husband without heated emotions...and if it comes to heated emotions then you have your say...tell him you are unhappy, tell him what you expect and what you want from your marraige...discuss where you are right now and the hurdles that you face...

communication is the key...tell him why you fell in love with him 8 years ago, remind him that you love him, try to find a new and greater respect for your husband and allow him to see you as a strong woman and mother but also an unhappy woman who needs to be loved and respected...nothing will be solved without a heart-to-heart discussion even if you feel resentful to him right now...

think things through and be calm, nothing is lost yet, your family is intact...yes the children are important but you wellbeing is too, good luck hun xx

Answer 10

I am only 14, but if i was you i would leave, you are entitled to the children and 50 percent of income. if he is more threatening get a restraining order. you shouldnt live with someone who doesnt love you. but i am only 14 so i dont know about deep relationships the longest ive done is less than a year so 8 years seems a long time to me

Answer 11

relationship are not the easiest thing. even those who are happily married do experience that. you said your self that you have had a rocky relationship, you also said that you have not been intimate for five months ( oh my goodness) so therefore for you to expect another reply when you threat him to live is it so naif of you. I have to say leaving a man without a better one or a better thing in store is not the smartest ideal. moving back home due to conflicts will not give you any pride unless you have pretty good family support there. I understand sticking where love is absent is hard but sticking where you are not wanted is worst. love is a funny thing my deal, stick out for the kids he is right but please develop plan B, C and D since you love your husband consider first talking to him, and some professional help. play first because the bible says that seek first the salvation of God and everything shall be added. Find out where he is getting his intimate from because he is surely getting it. I had friend in similar situation it turned out that the man was sick, and unable to relate. take care and be wise. DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISION UNDER ANY TYPE OF EMOTIONS such as happy, sad, frustrated ect.... to contue to chart my email is [e-mail]