Why do women try to hold on to their cheating men, hoping they'll change?

Question

I'm in a situation where I found out that my husband has been online on a site that is meant for singles to hook up. Needless to say, I tapped into his account, and found out that he has been not only collecting numbers, but talking about meeting later, and sexual things. He even denies that he is married or in a relationship period. I busted him, and we fought and he apologized profusely and admitted to his wrongdoing, but when I demanded that he erase his profile off of the site, he told me okay, and I've been waiting for 3 days for him to get it done. (No, he's not too busy). I kinda think that he is taking my kindness for a weakness since I forgave him. to make things worse, we've only been married for a month! What is he doing this for, and why am I so adamant about trying to hold on to this relationship even though I don't really think he's going to change? What the hell is wrong with me, and other women who find out that a man is doing wrong, and then forgive him quick??

Answer 1

Women hold on to their cheating men primarily due to social, cultural and biological condtioning. Ever notice how men are more...promiscuous (it's to due with the biological compulsion to procreate). Anyhow, biologically, since women undergo the burden of childbirth, they don't screw around as much as men and tend to have a more stringent selection process as to who they settle with. They try to choose the best man for the job - Mr. Right.

And when they do - they INVEST in him. Physically, emotionally, sexually etc. After making such a HEAVY investment, they feel very hesitant to "throw it all away" by leaving an errant man...to their own detriment!

You need to either try and work out this infidelity issue NOW before it gets worse. Or...if he doesn't take it seriously - leave him. See it as cutting your losses at the start BEFORE you suffer compounded loss over years and years of marriage. Don't feel that if you leave him that you'll have to start "all over again" and that there's no guarantee you'll find another guy. The alternative of staying with a cheating spouse is worse...

Imagine the constant worry of wondering WHERE he is, and with WHOM....and doing WHAT? ALL the TIME...

Just do what is best for YOU... (and don't tie yourself down with kids until you have this issue completely resolved)

And that is my take. Hope it was useful.

Answer 2

Ouch. A bomb right to the heart. Yes, you are hurt. And in trying to find your emotional footing, you think that if you can understand why this happened, that you won't hurt anymore. No, not consciously, but this is what we humans try to do. You need to understand that even if you could know the reason (and no one except this Pisces can tell you the actual reason) ... knowing the reason would not make you hurt one bit less. Hurt, mourn, let the pain be there. It will fade for you if you neither try to push it away or try to hang onto it. Why did this happen? Pisces is the romantic ... of course when it's involved with someone, it's the Moon, baby. Yet remember that the glyph (symbol) for Pisces is the two fish swimming in two different directions. And there is no more-different direction for a man in love to take than to suddenly want to be alone. Some Pisces (not all Pisces .... and you would have to see his entire chart to know) are very difficult to form and keep a good relationship with because they change their minds. And it hurts. As you know. The sad thing is that if he changes his mind again, you'll probably take him back. But that would be unwise because it would only be a matter of time before he changed his mind again. I'm not saying never date a Pisces. Just that whatever the major aspects are in his chart (especially those involving his Moon) ... don't date anyone again who has a similar chart! Sorry for your pain hon. Just as a broken bone will hurt and there is nothing you can or should do about it ... you will have to live through this healing process too. I know how much it hurts. Just remember that no information you could get would take away the pain. Your confusion is due to the suddenness and because you didn't see it coming. Info won't take that away, nor will understanding keep you from future broken hearts. The major problem is that if you fixate too much on "what went wrong" it will big-time slow down your healing, and it will take much longer for your pain to diminish. So instead of trying to hang on by looking for info, start the healing by letting go. Wings to your soul, dear.

Answer 3

Sometimes, we stay in bad relationships because we don't feel very good about ourselves, further it's hard for us to accept the person we love is not a descent human-being. Sometimes, we tolerate bad relationships because of fear of being alone. But, just because you have someone in your life doesn't mean he's there for you. If he's not available emotionally what good is he? Further, if he's so busy pleasing others how could he care for you let alone love you?

You know something child? It's better being alone than being a doormat. Once a person looses respect for you, he'll never be able to appreciate you and will eventually hurt you.

It takes courage to walk away from a bad situation because we're always hopeful that the person we truly love and cherish will change. Some things never change. It's all a matter of values.

Yeah, it's okay to forgive but we must recognize when someone is wrong for us. And when they are disrespectful to our feelings we should know that it's time to say: "hasta la vista."

Answer 4

Marriage is important, and obviously you care about this person or you wouldn't have married him. If you feel there is any hope left of having a good relationship with him, keep working on it. You might find it useful to get the help of a professional counselor. But if there is no hope of continuing the relationship, get out. You deserve a person who keeps the promises he made to you.

Answer 5

Well, you love him I'm sure, so that makes it incredibly difficult. No one wants this kind of thing to happen, and when it does people tend to want to forget it ever did. He may be stressed about the marriage, but you really need to have a serious conversation about it. I mean, it's only been a month, and he's supposed to be faithful to you for a lifetime.

I hope things work out for you.

Answer 6

well, i think that deep down inside you still have a small drip of HOPE that he'll change even though you THINK that he won't...i also think that without realizing it,you are afraid to let go coz u think u might not love anyone ever again or the fear of never finding a man who would really love you....honestly, i know how you feel...well,some people think that holding on will make them stronger but for me it's letting go...one thing for sure, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you...We're a just being what we are.....human!!! it's a normal thing...it's really up to you what you feel you should do....

Answer 7

We do this because we want to be the significant one that changes his life and makes him into a better person. we want to feel special. Most women will hold on and on and take on all kinds of crap because we actually do care about the guy. However, he will never change; there are exceptions of course. And most of us do not like being alone. Well, you can probably get the marriage annulled, depending on the state you are in. And sorry, it doesn't sound like he wants to change.

Answer 8

i know , one of my sis went exactly through the same thing and she forgave him ( not that easily) but at the end they're still married. if it'd happen to me i'd be already at my colleugue's desk (i'm a lawyer) and ask for divorce, but people are different and they resct in different ways, noone is right nor wrong, it just has "to fit" , d'u know what i mean??
now, if u really feel like he's gonna do it again, try to face him one more time and than it depends just on urself, if u're ok to be with him even if he's chatting with his cybergirls, or if u're ready to end it up and look for something more, someone u're made for.

Answer 9

i USED to be a doormat, but i am still LEARNING, and i am learning fast.....
what is it they say about the island and standing alone????

Be strong! It is so much better to have known this NOW than to be YEARS into the marriage and find it out.......I went through 12 long horribly abusive .........
anyhow, dont matter, Hunii, you just walk away with some DIGNITY, LUV!!! You can do it! Once a cheater, its very very hard, I dont want to say once...always, but usually...yes!

Answer 10

Cos they'd rather do that , than have to move out and pay their own rent and get a Job , when there's Oprah and Jeremy Kyle to be watched on TV in the afternoon !!!