slowly fading away i know i am..
i can feel the tiny flicker of light buning out of me
succumbing to the heaviness of my heart and the weakening of my whole being
the tears that won't dry up lest they be like sands in the desert
and you my beloved has gone so far away from me..
you cannot hear the faint pulse that may soon completely cease
nor my desperate attempts to scream for your beautiful name
which almost always falls into soft whimpers...as i catch each breath
painfully and exhausting to my tattered soul..i see you
like a most vivid dream inside my hallucinating mind
or a lucid nightmare that has no end where I...
engulfed in an eternal lake of fire...might never again awake.
2007-11-14 19:45:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Annabelle thank you for your comment on my other poem...abt the 4th line?
you really have a deep perception...i appreciate that. for some reason i cannot add anymore details there so i just took the liberty to post it here. again, thank you. =)
2007-11-14 19:57:02 · update #1
Sounds like the catharsis of sorrow.
2007-11-15 03:49:17 · answer #1 · answered by Phill Lee 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Quite amazing - the ironic way you personalize your poems!!
Can I feel the emotions? yes indeed . . . . in the faint pulse/soft whimpers/tattered soul/hallucinating mind and . . . . eternal lake of fire!!
One needs though to read between the lines to detect the hidden periwinkles, gems unpretentiously punctuated!
good luck
2007-11-14 22:23:37 · answer #2 · answered by ari-pup 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, this is very powerful stuff. I do think you could tighten it up a bit though - eg: In line one, how about - "The tiny flicker of light burns from within?" Or something like that. I would minimise the number of "I" "you" and "my" in it, just to give it more structure and depth. And the penultimate line - what what about "an eternal lucid nightmare"?
But, very promising stuff , please keep writing :)
2007-11-14 23:59:54 · answer #3 · answered by bonniethon (puirt a buel) 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
(sorry for answering your question so badly... :))
Yes, your emotions are very palpable here. Now, you should care more for your writing. Let the emotions flow and you can write a sort of rough version that can be the basis to write something else, something more rigidly constructed.
2007-11-14 19:53:21 · answer #4 · answered by Lady Annabella-VInylist 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Gifted, talented, Would like you to find the light at the end of the tunnel. good luck.
2007-11-15 02:41:13 · answer #5 · answered by jenny 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
very deep poem. you did a wonderful job at describing a broken heart. i can definitely feel your emotions. it's hard not to. i feel for you.
2007-11-15 03:29:03 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
wOw your poetry is so great and always full of emotions; and you write so good; that we can feel your pain too; thru your words,,,,nice
2007-11-14 23:19:45 · answer #7 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
this is a very good poem, that for sharing.
2007-11-15 00:00:03 · answer #8 · answered by Can't Stop Smiling 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Never mind me ; I hope he did , whoever he was ...!
I also hope he was worth all that emotion ...
2007-11-14 20:06:49 · answer #9 · answered by yjnt 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it... ("lake of fire"... maybe a poem about Lucifer would be nice...?)
2007-11-14 19:49:56 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋