I have been married to my wife for 1 year, and we have been together for a total of three years. She has a 5 year old son who she had before we met but the problem that I am having is that my step sons father has been totally out of the picture until we recently got married. To make a long story short I have pretty much been the father figure to my step son. His dad lives in a different state now and will randomly call time to time to check on my stepson. He keeps making a lot of broken promises, but my wife accepts that because he will send a toy, or a couple of shirts every now, and then. My wiife always makes excuses for him because she wants him to know his father but i'm like there is no such thing as a part time father in my eyes! I am fed up with him, and this causes huge fights between my wife, and I. Am I being selfish, or do I have a valid reason of concern. The thing that angers me the most is that my wife justifies his actions just because he is the bio father. I need help!
2007-11-14 18:50:16 · 21 answers · asked by Boogie27 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
you're not being selfish. you sound like his dad to me. this is never going to stop being a problem. straighten it out or accept it because it's serious. that guy's a bum that she may still have feelings for.
2007-11-14 18:55:14 · answer #1 · answered by .. 2 · 2⤊ 3⤋
Every child needs to know his real parents . Now , you should set a good example for your Stepson and always follow through on your promises to him and always be there for him . He is just a child right now and really does not know the difference . Allow him to know his Bio Dad and let him be in his life . Be there for your Stepson as he grows up and he will love you for it .
You should not really argue with your wife about this so much . Your wife tries to justify so that her son can know Bio dad . Let him be the part time Dad and you be the full time Dad . Since bio Dad is not in your life constantly what are you so worried about ? You are there for your Stepson when he needs you and you take care of him . Be proud you are being a good Dad and just ease up on being jealous of him . Don't let this come between you and your wife because it is not like he is around everyday and you are . So what are you so worried about ? Your Stepson will see the difference between you two when he gets older and he will see who the better Father is and love you for it .
2007-11-14 19:05:59 · answer #2 · answered by Saharwi Wife 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ohh, tough one. I think you should sit down with your wife and suggest that you should go to counseling. Perhaps separate at first, then together. That way your mediator would know both of you before helping the two of you in making any decisions. Also, you and your wife have only been married for 1 year. Aside from the problems with her ex, it is hard to be married now a days and there is so much stress on the husband-wife relationship in the first several years.
I'm sure it is extremely frustrating for you to be the one who is there every day trying to raise your son and to have him come and screw things up for everyone. As I see it, the guy either needs to be in this boy's life or not. It is confusing to children and can do tons of damage mentally if they see this parent who shows them no attention at all or only stirs the pot when they actually decide to come around.
My dad used to always use the excuse that he would want to visit with my brothers, but then would spend the whole time arguing with my mom. This guy sounds like an abuser and a manipulator and is probably miffed at the idea that she has moved on and started a new life without him. This is probably just a way for him to make your life miserable. Also, I'm wondering if she still has mixed feelings for him. I don't understand how any mother could allow someone to hurt their child this way. Biological sperm donor or not.
But that's just my 2 cents worth.
2007-11-14 19:03:48 · answer #3 · answered by Rachel T 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This guy will always be his bio dad. I am a step-dad myself to a 10 y/o (boy) and I know he looks to me for most things. I am the one who taught him sports, riding a two wheeler about tools and cars. His bio dad calls when ever the bug crawls up his behind which leads to a bunch of BS and broken promises. My wife will inform him of things in my sons life because it feels good to tell him how well he is doing in school and in life. I think your wife is doing what she can and that means being the bigger parent. She is looking at the little things like as you said he will send a toy or a shirt.
I also have custody of my bio son. He is 6 y/o and I look at his bio mom just the same way it's the little things she does because she does nothing else. So when she does something small my son will enjoy it for the time being. Kids are a lot smarter then we give them credit for. The know who the real parents are.
Look at it this way; who tucks you son into bed and who sleeps next to you wife at night. Who gets the hugs from the little guy............YOU!
2007-11-14 23:02:27 · answer #4 · answered by Jeremy H 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is your step son aware of and being hurt by these broken promises? I am a woman, if it matters. But in my opinion, it isn't always good to know biological parents.
My son has custody of his son because the woman couldn't be bothered to be a mother. When she left, she left both of them. She has the usual visitation rights. She used to make arrangements to pick up my grandson and then not show up or call to cancel. She told HIM, on the phone, what she planned. Then she usually didn't carry through with the plan. When she did carry through, he would come home very upset and hurt by the way she treated him. He is 12 now and no longer wants to see her. Now, he is old enough to realize for himself just what the situation is. She lives in a town 10 miles from here. And, for the last few years, has made no effort to contact with him. We have never said anything against her to him. We didn't, and still don't, want to add to his pain. When he was little we just tried to distract him, keep him busy, so that he could get his mind off of her broken promises. She has hurt him a lot. She has scarred him with her selfish, unfeeling actions. He has been hurt far more by knowing her than he would have been by not knowing her and wondering about her.
I think that contact with this kind of parent is far worse than no contact. I hope that your step son is unaware of these broken promises. It will hurt him a lot less than expecting something of/from his biological father and having the promise broken.
Some people don't deserve to be parents. I hope that your wife does not come to regret wanting the boy to know his biological father.
2007-11-14 20:28:38 · answer #5 · answered by grahod 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The fact of the matter is what does your stepson want? Until you legally adopt him he is still that man's son no matter how much you care for him. I'm not trying to be rude but maybe and hopefully soon that man will look at this whole thing and either straighten himself out and act like a real father to the boy or in the end he will eventually be sorry he didn't step up and be half the man you are. Just hang in there and keep being as good to that boy as you have been and try not to fight about it in front of him. The way I see it the more people who love that kid and want to be part of his life the better. Good Luck
2007-11-14 19:00:19 · answer #6 · answered by Trinity 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You are overreacting a little bit.
I don't think you should be having huge fights over that. If she wants to continue to prop him up as the boy's father then let her do it.
You can continue to be a wonderful step dad and take care of that wonderful boy. As he grows up, he will know who you are and who his bio father is. He will know who was there for him and who wasn't.
I've been the father that was in a different state and you could give him a bit of a break. It's almost inevitable that a few promises get broken because he might have every intention to do things for the boy, but reality comes around and it doesn't happen.
2007-11-14 19:05:17 · answer #7 · answered by ∞ sky3000 ∞ 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
She sounds like she is trying to keep some sort of relationship going between her son and husband. I admire her for that. This doesn't take away from you that you have been a father for your stepson and he may decide to stop contact with his father when he grows up and when he realises this is not much of a relationship after all. If you are understanding, loving and supportive to both your wife and stepson, you will reap the reward. It sounds to me like you are a little jealous and might feel excluded but I am sure this is not the case. Your wife sounds like a lovely woman who is looking for the best for her son so don't make her miserable for it.
2007-11-14 18:58:37 · answer #8 · answered by nadia g 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
you arent being selfish, but you dont understand what its like to have a son, and him not have a real dad. in her eyes, a pert time father is better than him not being around at all. and from a legal standpoint, he is the father. he could move back, and want to spend all the time in the world with him (and maybe her) so, she cant really deny him completely. does he pay child support? or come to visit? have you guys ever talked about you adopting him, and becoming that full time dad? that might be an option, depending on the dad
2007-11-14 23:19:28 · answer #9 · answered by poodle mom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're over reacting. Until the biological father signs over all paternal rights and you legally adopt this boy you really have not a lot to say about the choices his mother makes conerning his biological father. Both the bio father and the boy have a right to know one another on whatever terms works for THEM...Not YOUR terms. YOU don't get a choice.
2007-11-14 21:31:04 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have a very valid point. Are you willing to adopt the little one to make life a bit easier for you and the Mrs? Is she receiving child support for the little one? If not then she should do so. It is great that you are there to be a father figure because all children need that in their lives. One thing the mom has to understand it take a man to make a baby but it takes a father to raise his child. No excuses it good enough to not take care of his son. I think you are doing the right thing for a very good cause!
2007-11-14 18:57:55 · answer #11 · answered by b n real 4 · 3⤊ 2⤋