Married for a while, but hubby is like a roommate. How to approach the situation?

Question

My husband and I have been married for nearly fifteen years, and have two kids. The last few years our intimacy, physical and emotional, has taken a nosedive. For a while there were family issues which has caused us to focus on other demands, but as that situation has eased up, I am finding that we are continuing to drift apart. We hardly ever touch, rarely have sex, or exchange verbal affection. I know he would like sex more often, but one thing that bothers me is that he has a daily Internet porn habit and that partly turns me off.

But even more than this, is the fact that for a long time he has felt more like a brother to me than a romantic partner. I care for him deeply but the idea of being romantic with him feels weird. On the other hand, we rarely argue, and the relationship is low-conflict. We get along comfortably, are reasonably pleasant to each other, and that is pretty much it.

I want more but feel stuck... how to proceed?

Answer 1

C.O.M.M.U.N.I.C.A.T.E.........

Answer 2

I'd give him another chance. Sit down with him and your boyfriend and lay out some guidelines. You have reason to be serious and strict about it this time; you asked him once and he didn't listen, and this is YOUR apartment, not his. Tell him that you want him to keep his room at LEAST relatively clean and you want him to pick up after himself. Ask him to help you out around the apartment; give him a job like vacuuming every week or unloading the dishwasher. I know it sounds a bit childish, but you are going to have to treat him this way until he respects your wishes. If he doesn't, kick him out. If he has a brain in his head, he'll know it's nothing personal - you just won't stand for a filthy roommate! Best of luck.

Answer 3

Is he cheating? Does he contact porn women on email? Does his cell phone have any strange numbers? If you find anything suspect, keep a copy of it for divorce court in case you ever end up there.

The porn needs to go - he is most likely satisfying himself with it and it is harmful to your marriage. Do you notice that we now have a porn infested society and impotency is at an all-time high. See how many men are on Viagra and other similar medicines. Porn is also a variation of cheating - he is giving porn attention that belongs to you. Tell him the porn is ruining your sexuality.

Porn is also bad because looking leads to thinking about what he is looking at and that leads to lusting and lusting to acting out with strip clubs, prostitutes, affairs, etc.

Porn is setting a bad example for your children. How would he like it if one of your kids became a porn star?


If it was me, I'd insist the porn has to go now. If he doesn't agree, then insist on counseling with your minister or marriage counselor. You want to try keeping the marriage together, however, at least until the children are grown.

Read Divorce Busters and Fascinating Womanhood. Look cute and kiss him hello and goodbye whenever he comes and goes from the house. Rub his neck, try to change the schedule a bit so there's no time for porn and barely enough time for email.

Consider moving the computer to the living/family room so everyone can see what's going on with it. Tell him the kids need it for their homework.

If after you have exhausted counseling and he still continues the porn, etc. - apply social pressure - tell his Mom what he is doing, his family, (not your kids yet), friends, neighbors, minister, church, etc. They will support you. Maybe some of them will tell him what a pervert he is and he may finally get shamed enough to stop.

Do read those books and make yourself as pleasant and charming as possible and your home wonderful for him to come home to. Just before he gets home from work, tidy your hair and spray on a squirt of perfume - greet him with a kiss and teach the children the importance of his homecoming. They could happily greet him, too, then go get ready for dinner so he can have a few minutes to unwind from his day.

You might consider a hobby the whole family can do - like stained glass or something - another diversion from the routine of porn.

Enough said.

Joy to you!!!

Answer 4

See the porn for what it is. It's not competition or an alternative. It's just entertainment. Guys don't know how women think and women just don't understand the porn thing at all. It does not reduce his feelings for you in any way. It is not another woman.
Reform good habits and get out of the bad habit of neglecting one another. Turn one stone at a time. Don't try to fix things overnight. This will take time.

Answer 5

first of all somehow some people think that not arguing is a good sing when in reality it is a very bad thing. u feel invigorated and tense when u argue. when u don't u re in stagnation. anyway, about the rest of your stuff - if u want more intimacy and touch and communication - start it. start touching him and kissing him and talking to him. u don't need to be romantic with him. i am a very sensual woman, but the only word "romantic" makes me wanting to womit. u don't need to be romantic to be sensual and intimate. also arguing and breaking a few plates wouldn't hurt. also saying that u re fed up with it and leaving and rying a little would very muh spice up the situation. your man is visiting porn cos he is bored and misses sex. if u start entertaining him he will forget about porn site. remember - arguing is a form of entertaining. it makes us women sparkle and charges us with energy

Answer 6

people say porn is harmless but if i were you i'd be hurt too. first off TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE PORN. tell him how it makes you feel unsexual. get his mind back on you as a sexual being and it'll help everything. if you don't feel sexy than sex is the last thing on your mind. talk about the old times. have some wine. basically just try to let loose and reconnect. it would be a shame to give up on a marriage because of being too comfortable.

i wish you the best of luck.

Answer 7

By him being stuck on porn, he clearly misses the sex too! The way I see it, in marriage everything goes! Put on some sexy "nothing" and let him know how you feel! Spice it back up! Be creative! Have fun!!! Why not right? He is yours :) !

Answer 8

most of what you describe is easily and simply answered in relationship books by Barbara DeAngelis and so many other relationship teachers. Get some books from the library or a store and start learning HOW to have a good relationship.....or move on and start over with someone else.

Answer 9

tell him how you feel. Sometimes relationships grow kind of stagnant and need a little help. Sit him down and tell him truly how you feel about him and the way things are going. If this does not work then maybe he is just not into it anymore and you need to move on.

Answer 10

I don't know what to say for advice, but I do think it is great that you get along and have that comfort of him being like a brother. Good luck to you in whatever happens...

Answer 11

Oh wow.

Have you sat down and said all of this to him?

Maybe he thinks YOU dont want nothing to do with him as well?

I would sit down and talk, and if possible get therapy.

Good Luck!