Should I see a marriage counselor or do I just have high expectations?

Question

I'm afraid and embarrassed to see one, but I've been having feelings for another married man (and I'm married myself). Not only that, but the reason why I have strayed from my own marriage is because when I want to spend time with my husband, he rather just play his WoW game. He talks to his friends on WoW than me. We hardly communicate in person. We send each other a lot of emails at work, but that is not the same thing. He doesn't seem to have opinions of his own, and most time uses my own words or other people's words.

I'm just not as attracted to him as I am with this other man. I hardly know the other man, so he may not be all that either, but I feel lost. What can counselors do that people on yahoo answers can't do? :P

I'm thinking about going to see one by myself first since my husband doesn't think we need one, but I think I do.

thanks brandy. I have been thinking about using EAP for a long time now and just might do it.

Answer 1

Counsellors can do lots of things that people on yahoo can't - for one thing, find out all the background information relevant to your situation, and work with you over time in order to either help improve your marriage, or just help you feel better about yourself.

I urge you strongly to neither suffer in silence in a miserable marriage where you are neglected taken for granted, or to leap from an unhappy marriage into a relationship with a man you hardly know who may be no better than your husband (he's a married man flirting with another woman, and that's never a good thing). Counselling can help you feel supported, and can help you figure out what to do that's best for you. And there's no reason to be embarrassed to go - it'll help.

Answer 2

You're just wanting some attention from him. There's nothing wrong with that. You need to get him away from the game long enough to let him know how you're feeling. Let him now that you just want to spend some time with him but you feel like you are competing against the game. The other guy that you say that you are having feelings for may just be because he does give you the attention that you crave. It would be better if you just kept it on a friend level and not let yourself get emotionally attached to him. You are both married and if he is flirting around with you, then who's to say he won't end up doing that to you too? Try and get things right in your own marriage and if you can't get him to work things out with you, then maybe you can talk to someone close to him that you feel comfortable with talking to. If neither of those work, then you can go see a counselor and hopefully they can help you.

Answer 3

Men never think they need to go see a counselor. However, after I talked my husband into seeing one, well he said it was the best thing we've ever done. We were both able to say things in a safe invironment and I was totally surprised to hear some of the things my husband brought up. It definitely helped me to understand him more and he was able to see some of my points that he previously considered "nagging". Sadly, we were going through an employee assistance program at my job and I don't work there anymore so we had to stop going. Counseling is not cheap, so I don't know when/if we'll go back but we definitely need to. If you feel the issues are with you, and he refuses to go, then go by yourself first. Then if you feel it was helpful, tell your husband that he goes to counseling or he goes to divorce court. Because if you cheat with this other man, it will turn out badly. Why? Because you want to cheat for emotional reasons and not physical. You want the attention the other man is giving you and once the sex ends what are you left with? And emotional mess because you wont
want to give it up and maybe he just want the sex. And then what happens when you fall in love with this other man? What will you do? The best thing to do is really try to work on your marriage and if your husband isn't interested in working on it, then divorce him and see if this other fellow is interested in more than just a fling. Chances are he's not. Don't make a bad situation worse. Good luck.

Answer 4

I'd go to a counselor for yourself. If you find a good counselor (they are not all good!!!), the counselor will help you see why you and your hubs communicate so badly and help you fix that (if it's fixable). The counselor may get you started working on your low self-esteem which, when raised, can help you set your own values and learn how to deal with people like your distant husband. A good counselor will show you that you need to fix yourself first and then maybe you can do something for or about your husband.
good luck,
jim

Answer 5

Interesting question, let me just start off by saying that all the things you mentioned do not come easily no matter how good both individuals in a marriage are. You need communication, hard work and determination to ensure your marriage works throughout your life. Thus, one should go into a marriage willing to work hard and compromise to achieve all of this, it shouldn't be expected that all this will come naturally if you find the perfect person. Now I am not married but: 1) 3 - It takes time to fall in love, I think I'm just looking for mutual attraction and chemistry. 2) 3 - There is no such thing as the perfect person and everyone comes with flaws, just consider yourself and the right person I've dreamed up is well, imaginary. Therefore I just want a pious individual because that ensures he will fulfill my rights. Also if a guy is pious everything also falls in place, taking into account that no one's perfect. 3) 5 - I want my marriage to work, and to work well. However I am willing to work alongside my potential mate to achieve this. 4) 5 - Again I want my marriage to work and work forever so again I am willing to work to achieve this alongside my potential mate.

Answer 6

Well, I believe that marriage is the hard work of both you and your husband. Judging from what you have written, your husband probably played a part in your attraction to other guy by neglecting you terribly.

Also, perhaps because of this, you unconsciously seek another man to fill in the emptiness that your husband has left you. It is a possibility that the man you're attracted to is just a temporary fill for your husband's love.

A counsellor could help by identifying the loopholes in your marriage and helping you mend them, one by one. That is a must, but it would be best if you persuade your husband into going with you. Like I said, a marriage is the work of both parties, working towards a common goal.

Answer 7

okay here is the deal with online gaming....i play everquest, every single day. why, because healthwise i cant do much more. however, i know of many who have developled unhealthy marriages that have played wow, eq and others.

the few that i know for sure, reason...they
started playing online games, to fill a void in the marraige. it can be the same as to what you say, so ask yourself, was there any argueing, financial stress, distance with time and emotion due to work etc, PRIOR to him playing wow?

one particular friend of mine, his wife complained horribly, how he worked 12 hours a day and did nothing around the house, did nothing with the kids etc., he said he...started playing eq because all she did was "nag"....(his words) about everything, so he played eq and blocked her out. they seperated for over a year...he continued to play eq...since then ..he still plays...not so much, they do more things together, she doesnt "nag" so much. and so far all is fine.

not saying it is you, just saying that maybe ...just maybe..there is something going on in your marriage...so ..yes a counselor would probably help greatly, but it takes BOTH of you to attend willingly.

i see you, seeking another man...like his online gaming...an outlet...so think long and hard, before you make a drastic decision on this one...seek help...it could do wonders, or it could make the both of you see that there really is no love there.

either way, you tried.

good luck and hugz

Answer 8

If you are not happy in your marriage then do something about it do not cheat on your husband. If this man is not happy in his marriage then he should leave as well but you do not know that he is not happy maybe he is just that kind of person that has many on the side. If that is the case then you definitly do not want him. Talk to your husband make him listen and talk to you tell him that you need more of his time. Good luck

Answer 9

At the risk of several thumbs-down here from the 20-something women that dominate this group, have your fling, get it out of your system. By the time your husband is bored with WoW, you'll be bored of the other guy and things will return to normal

Have a blast for 6 months. You owe it to yourself.

Answer 10

Sometimes we always want what we can't have! Go ahead and go to the counselor it can't hurt and it may even help even if your husband doesn't. But you never know he might start going later. Think positive!