Will I ever move past my husband cheating?

Question

My husband had an affair 2 months before we got married and it continued for 1 yr after we got married. I of course did not find out until the day before we had our first child. I left for a few weeks but we decided to try and make it work. It has been a hellacious ride ever since. I just don't think I will ever love or trust him again. It'll be 3 yrs in may 08 and he hasn't done anything since then, well that I know of, and he's joined the army and is trying to do all the right things. I love him but I don't love him like I use to. My mind is always filled with unwanted thoughts of him cheating on me again or leaving me and our two girls, after I have sacraficed even more of my life trying to make it work. I'm scared that I will finally let my guard down and he will do it again. And sometimes I just don't get why I stayed and I want to leave. Does anyone have any advice. I feel so lost and confused, i just don't feel like myself anymore. I'd appreciate any input. Thanks.

Answer 1

no 1 year? whats wrong with him? no its way way way way way way too long.

Answer 2

I am so sorry for you. What a miserable man to not give you all the facts before you married & had a child with him.

Kudos to you for trying to make your marriage work after such a devastating betrayal.

I know it may seem to be the only advice people can offer but I think you should seek some therapy to help you get through the pain. Of course you can't trust him - at the most sacred moments in your relationship he was sleeping with another woman - that cuts deep & stings you every time you try to move forward with him.

Therapy will help you adjust & give you coping mechanisms. It will be a great forum to enable you to determine whether your marriage is worth saving in your own mind. Do not feel guilty that he is now doing all the "right" things & you still feel bad - what he did was WRONG & he has a lot to make up for.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I have been cheated on before and I can tell you that it will never be the same. You will probably never be able to trust him the way you used to. Every time he walks in a minute later than usual you may wonder 'where did he just come back from'. And then theres an argument. My advice would be, you can try to work it out and put it behind you, but if it gets too frustruating, I would consider a divorce. It is not worth it. without trust, theres no relationship. Good luck.

Answer 4

A marriage can't work if there isn't trust and respect. The legal fiction can keep going, but it isn't marriage. Only you can really answer your question, but the fact that you haven't been able to put this behind you for this long; means it's unlikely you ever will. Staying in the marriage, when your love has been destroyed by your husband's actions does neither you, him, or your children any favor. Sadly, even IF your husband truly is remorseful, and wants to make your marriage work, some things simply can't be fixed. Look inside yourself, and unless you believe this can ever be over- in your heart, then end the marriage.

Answer 5

I wouldn't be able to forgive that I don't think. But you've made a choice to give him another chance and you were still in love with him. Now that things have settled down and you're not a brand new mum, maybe you don't need the added security of having him around and are able to really and truely look on the situation with some perspective? That was then, you took him back because that was what you needed at the time. But what do you need now? Do you still love him? its an extremely hard thing to deal with... have you considered getting some counseling? both individual and as a couple... it will really help.

Answer 6

The percentage of people who cheat is increase right before marriage, during the engagement. It happens sometimes to some couples.

However, he cheated on you for a year, the first year of your marriage?! Why didn't he stop? If he cheated on you that long and at the very beginning of your marriage, then he will cheat on you again. Your fears will probably come true.

I usually try to be positive about reconciliation and fighting to work things out, but if he cheated for that long without telling you, and even got you pregnant in the middle of it, you have every right to move on.

Answer 7

I went through the same exact thing. I was in love with my ex, and after a year, he cheated on me with a friend of mine. I knew he did it, but he came to me the next day and acted like nothing happened. I wanted to be with him so much, I didn't even confront him about him cheating on me. Another year later, he had cheated on me yet again. How he could cheat and then look me in the eye after being with another woman...I just don't understand it. So finally, I told him I was leaving him and that I never wanted to see him again.

I'm with someone else now, and I couldn't be happier. You're wasting your time with him. You could be out there finding someone who will love you enough not to do something as hurtful as cheating. Don't stay because of the children, either. I'm sure you'd much rather them growing up thinking that if divorce is what makes them happy, then so be it. You don't want them growing up and sensing your unhappiness and thinking that sticking around when you're miserable is the right thing to do if it keeps the family together.

Leave him. Explain to him that there isn't a day that you wake up and think about him cheating and how you're afraid to open up to him because of what he did. He deserves to pay for what he's done with you. I'm sure with divorcing, that will be all the revenge needed. It's an up-and-down roller coaster, but it's what you have to do for YOURSELF.

Answer 8

I don't think I could get over that kind of betrayal. I am not a jealous person by nature, but I think what would bother me the most is that the person who I call my family, my husband, my friend, the person that I trusted and loved for just being them would do that. I don't know how to get past this kind of thing. I do know though that I see a lot of older couples that have been married for 60 + years that have had to work through many difficult things.....sometimes an affair. I don't know how they do it...it would really hurt me and make me so mad that he had hurt me that much......Good luck. I know the answer is somewhere.

Answer 9

To make your marriage work ... if you are going to live with your husband - you are going to have to forget & forgive the affair. You, and he, will always be in misery with this affair always on your mind. This affair will also follow you into the bedroom .. and affect everything there.

It is not easy to push the affair aside .. in fact, it's almost impossible. But since you are still there living your life with him ... and you have not left him over the affair .. give your marriage a fair chance by sushing the past away. If your marriage does not work out .. then you will at least know that you sincerely tried to make it work.

Your husband's affair started before you got married .. and he got married to you any way .. AND .. he IS trying NOW to work it out .. so there must be love for you within him. I am not taking up for him .. but it sounds like you want your marriage to work .. so you need to figure out a way to help yourself .. thus, helping the survival of your marriage.

You will probably never completely lose the feeling of his betrayal .. and you may never trust him again .. but try to realize that all of these feelings are working against you .. against him .. and against your marriage.

Make yourself a plan.

For example .. first, you know he has had an affair.

Next .. you know it is possible to happen again.

Then realize that you want your marriage to work .. but you can't, or don't want to be, miserable forever .. so learn to accept all of these things .. and learn not to let it rule you. TRY .. to let it go .. so you can feel wonderful in your marriage again .. afterall, you are still there in your marriage .. so why not make it good.

Then .. make a secret plan to do if he ever cheats on you again. Have all these things in the back of your mind .. but don't dwell on them. Just know them.

Then get back to your marriage .. try to find joy .. and don't allow yourself to think on the past. You cannot go backwards .. and you cannot change yesterday.

Give it your all.

No person in a marriage, in the whole wide world, is guaranteed that their spouse won't run around on them. At some point, in every person's life ... they are tempted. Your husband may have learned his lesson early in life.

Stay .. and work on it. Or go .. and go forward in another direction.

Best wishes to you.

Answer 10

That is a wife's worst nightmare. I think that a person's personality can't change if you want them to - they need to change themselves because THEY want to. It seems your husband doesn't really love you. If he did - why did he have an affair for 2 YEARS before you got married and continued to have the affair for 1 YEAR after? A YEAR is a long time to not be thinking only about your wife. If he truly cared for you and his family he would be more responsible and keep his dick in his pants.

Hope this helps.

PS. I know of people who have cut of their husband's dick and flushed it down to toilet after finding out their husband has been cheating on them. I think them VERY WISE and have warned my fiance. If every man knew the consequences of infidelity I think they would think twice before bedding someone else.

Answer 11

well ur gonna run him off with the pressures of the distrust. no it is easier said than done . cuz i my self have been in that situation with my X husband. but one thing ur gonna have to do is, understand u went back u cant keep making him pay for this u came back . u didnt have to but u did for what ever reason that u did . no one is perfect but if u want this to truly work u will have to let it go . iam not judging u cuz i understand my husband cheated several times and i did that for giving thing and it drove me NUTTS!!!!!! but any way u also have to think about y ur still there some things arent meant to be and us as women have a harder time understanding this becuz we think about the kids and support and being alone and this and that . but u also have to think about ur feelings and u might have to let it go i know sometimes its easier said than dunn. but u will have to do some soul searchin and if u truly want this to work and u truly have to for give him than u have to do that cuz u cant keep rubbing a person nose in it and expecting them to just put up with it just becuz. but u then have to face that other option will he do it again??? sometime we as women dont realize how easy somethin can be when we get out there. i had boys when i left that were 7 and 9 and it was very hard and very lonely at first and it has been 3 years now he has some one i dont and i m fine with that i wouldnt go back and do anything different u know y ? be cuz i dont miss the sleep less nite the crying the wondering the y or the looking at the phone. I DONT MISS ANY OF THAT!!! when i roll over at 2 am i just fine that knowing nobody is suspose to be there but me in that bed. i wouldnt change it for the world. becuz i know it is sum body for every body and that someone will come soon than later and i know that what ever my husband tried to say that would justify his cheating was a LIE theres was and is NO EXCUSE for a man to cheat. they do this becuz they want to not becuz they have to !!!!! Good luck