I've been married 6 yrs. My husband while not physically abusive has mentally wore me down. I'm wanting to know what my rights are we have two children together...he says I owe him all this money for stuff we acquired while we were married. We live in a community property state. It's always the same thing day in and day out. We always fight about money, right now I'm working and paying all the bills, I come home and nothing is clean and he wants me to do that to. The only thing he is doing is watching the children while I'm at work, I can't afford child care. I'm afraid to leave because I don't know what will happen when I do. and how to break from this, can someone please give me some advice? I'm scared, confused and alone. I need help not only for myself but for the sake of my children. I've tried applying for college to better myself and I have a full time job. I just need answers, any help would be greatly appreciated. thank you.
2007-11-14 12:58:06 · 15 answers · asked by scared and confused 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The first step. The absolute first thing you should do is......
Pack your things and walk out. It is the fear of change that compels you to stay. You have to convince yourself that you will adapt to these changes. Guess what? You will! You will get past all of this hurt and confusion. Your life did not begin with him. It shouldn't have to end with him either. As far as the money and property are concerned, he is responsible for half and you say you are already supporting his lazy @ss anyway. These things should never be an issue. The only issue at hand is your happiness whether it is with him or not.
2007-11-14 13:09:41 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Dear S & C,
This man is nothing but a leach. You have worked and been sole support for your family. You owe him nothing. Talk with an attorney and get the facts. Get EVERYTHING in place as far as protection and filing for a divorce. Tell him to get out. Have someone with you when you do. Arrange for the children to be gone while this takes place. Have him served with the petition for divorce immediately after you tell him it's over. Have his things packed and ready to go. Call the police and tell them that you would appreciate help if it is needed to get him to leave. He has no more right to anything in your home than you do.
There is affordable child care out there. Ask for help from family or friends. You might be able to work something out with a friend to take the children to school in the A.M. and they pick them up in the P.M. and watch them for you until you are off work.
If you really want this, you can do it. Good luck, hon. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
2007-11-14 13:09:21 · answer #2 · answered by Peanut 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Been there-The best advice is please don't wait 30 years like I did. It will only get worse. First off you don't owe him anything. That's not how it works. You can consult with an attorney for free, but this should not be your first step. Is he not working? If that is true than I bet this is more about his depression than anything else. First-You need to find out if he is interested in saving the marriage. If he is then you both need some counseling, if he won't go with you then go alone. He needs to see a doctor to find out if he is depressed. (easier said than done I know). My husband vetoed the doctor and the counselor and I ended up walking out. That is not the answer for everyone and I do not advocate it if there is any other way. So I am 50 and having to go to work for the first time in my like. I did go back to college and will graduate in a year. It is a struggle, but I have never been happier, more serene and glad to be alive. I wish he had chosen to work on our marriage, but you can't make someone else change, you can only change yourself. So either find a way to change things or else accept that this is how it will be and make the best of it.
2007-11-14 13:11:07 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I've been there and done that...let me tell you, emotionally it can be a tuff jungle out there with children and childcare.
I don't think you should stay with him...but prepare yourself a bit of a ride...
The judge will make the final call on everything you two have together, if he isn't working u have the upper hand...it's costly a divorce ya know.
Where does he get his income, and sometimes if u purchased most of everthing, and have custody of the children in the divorce most everything will be awarded to you.
I got stuck with a new car...even when I argued not to get it during my divorce...ugh! I didn't want the payments...but I got stuck with almost everything we owned new old it didnt matter because i had the kids.
He got a few extra dollars and items...not much.
Now, being that he has been a stay at home dad...u might have to pay him spouse support until he gets a job.
2007-11-14 13:08:58 · answer #4 · answered by passionfruit2571 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yikes.
i would definitely say get out. but i will tell you something most attorneys wouldn't say.
as he is the stay at home parent, you maintaining custody is going to be hard. and spousal support may be an issue. is there some way you could talk him into getting a job? even a part time one. you don't owe him any money for stuff aquired during the marriage. so if you want to leave with your kids, be prepared to leave with no financial backing. is there a way you can get a place and rent out a room to a barely there college student? or even a night college student for free rent and & board while they watch the kids while you are at work? a student with childcare credits might be a good idea.
2007-11-14 13:45:11 · answer #5 · answered by Isabella S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow... I know what you are going thru. I have been in the abusive relationship with 2 children. He's only telling you that you owe him all this money because he's pulling at strings to keep you close. If you leave take ur kids and file a restraining order. Then contact a divorce attorney. Before you leave you might want to know that it is very expensive to get a divorce if he's going to fight you and since he sounds like such a "great" guy he will probably take you to court for custody/visitation... etc... This can cost thousands of dollars. For a one year fight it took us for almost 10,000.... but we won... I'm just being devils advocate. You have the right to be happy but more importantly you have the responsibility of keeping you kids safe and happy. Remember what kind of relationship you are in will influence your childrens' future relationships.
Have you tried counseling? For you and for your marriage separatly?
2007-11-14 13:06:44 · answer #6 · answered by stacg32 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's really hard because you will end up supporting him even if you get a divorce. If you are the only one working then he is dependent on you. The courts will see what your worth, and what he's worth. Start doing things that make you happy. Go hang out with friends, make new friends. Go see a show, or something to get your mind off of things. that's what I have to do. I love being at work, and I love hanging out with my friends. Hang out with the kids on the weekend, and find a school program that only allows you to be there a few times a week after you get out of work. There are alot of colleges out there that know people have to work to make a living, but they want more education as well. Go to google.com, and look for those colleges that will help you. Good Luck
2007-11-14 13:10:45 · answer #7 · answered by Sweet 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you have any family or friends who could help you out at least long enough to get on your feet? You might qualify for some state assistance on daycare if you do not make a lot of money. Check into that. Check your community to free legal service for those who have low incomes. Find out what your rights are. If you go back to school you should be able to get a lot of financial assistance through FAFSA. (Free application for Federal aid) go to www.fafsa.org.
Best of luck!
2007-11-14 13:29:18 · answer #8 · answered by Tarheel mom 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hunny, my heart goes out to you and you are very brave, there are places that can help, Against Abuse is a good place, also there is CARA and if you have a church you belong to ask the head of the ladies corp, they can also help you and the kids. The stuff you have acquired is half yours no matter what stuff he says to you and if you really afraid call the police. Good Luck
2007-11-14 13:21:16 · answer #9 · answered by eeyore6838 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out of that house as soon as possible. Pack the kids up and take them with you. Find some social department in your state that deals with stuff like this, but get out before its too late.
I'm from New Zealand so I have no idea about your country's set up in regards to helping abused women, but here we have emergency housing and grants to help you get by until you get back on your feet. I'm sure you will have something similar in your country you've just got to build up the confidence to get out there and do it. Ask your friends and family for help as well, but get the hell out of that relationship!
I wish you all the best!
2007-11-14 13:20:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋