What do you do when you married for love, and the love is gone?

Question

I have been married to a man for 5 years, and it seems all the reasons I married him for are gone. I wanted a loving relationship, yet we now have a marriage of convenience. I have not changed at all physically, actually am healthier and in better shape now than when we met (which he says he likes) yet he is not loving and does not seem to care for an emotionally, physically intimate relationship. I do not care much about material things or even security, and told him when I met I would only marry for love.
I would have left him last year, but we have a 2 year old daughter, and I don't want to ruin her life.
Besides love, our marriage is alright. He does not abuse me, or substances in any way, doesn't cheat, or anything negative like that. He says he loves me, yet his actions don't show me anymore.
What do you do in this situation. I have confronted him many times, he gets angry and thinks I am nuts, but I feel nothing from him.

Answer 1

You know what i would like- positive answers. I asked a similiar question- we need support not people who want to insult us as if they were better. We are all human and no one is perfect. When you marry for love it IS possible to fall out of love. love is a feeling and an action. I feel for you girl i do and i hope we both find happiness! And more with our husbands! Those of you who answered with rude or insulting answers YOU ARE NOT PERFECT and you need to back off and be a little nicer! I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion but know when to give it try not to make someone feel worse about their situation bc u think ur better then us. My advice sweetie would be to talk to him if he wont listen thats his own fault and we shouldnt make ourselves miserable to make otherts happy! gl hun!

Answer 2

Take a deep breath, hon.
"In Love" only lasts about 18 to 24 months. The biochemistry smart folks have proven that it's a product of hormones and your body can't sustain it very long.

So, you are now at the point where the real work begins. It sounds like he has some qualities that are important to you (you named them). That's an important foundation.

It really boils down to making a choice; choosing to be committed and go for a mature relationship. The good news is: if you master this transition you'll be in a great position for the next challenges that face you.

I've been through an experience similar to yours a couple times with my lady. We went through fits of unhappiness and kept soldiering on for most of 15 years. About five years ago, the marriage we had burned to the ground. And it needed to.
We chose to stick together. We chose to create something new. What we have is better than what it was when we got married.

I hear that what he is doing somehow doesn't say "I love you" in a way that means something to you. Maybe it's much the same for him. The books I've listed in "Sources" can really make a difference - work through them together with your husband. Tell him an old Engineer told you this stuff works. ;)

Answer 3

The love isn't gone, but the "feelings" you associate with it are. That's because you're now in the "business" portion of marriage...that routine existence that forms once you have children to feed and mortgages to pay, and nothing anyone ever told you when you were kids prepared you for that eventuality. You're aware that neither of you are villians in this equation, so your challenge here is to dig down deep inside of yourselves and recapture the reasons you're a couple in the first place. This is a normal occurrence for couples at your stage: they call it the "seven year itch", so you're a bit ahead of schedule but right on target. You loved each other enough to bring a child into this world...that emotion didn't just evaporate, but it's lying dormant beneath all the other things you have to get done during the course of a day. Find it...however you have to go about it, (counselling, taking a personal vacation together, or engaging in a special project together) just find it. Good luck to you all.

Answer 4

As in most cases, the "way" you presented him with what you are feeling means everything.

It's a matter of proper and effective communication.

Also, realize that the "love" you are referring to is not really "love", but the feelings and emotions that are generated by being "in love".

Real "love" comes by way of committment, responsibility, sacrifice and faithfulness.

But emotions are funny things. You can always create events and spark up emotions, even when they are not there or have seemingly vanished. That's part of us as people.

So, on that note, it's really up to YOU to re-ignite and spark up those emotions so you can feel better about your relationship.

Do physical activities that you BOTH enjoy. Outdoors preferrably. Create lots of memories; new ones.

Get a babysitter for these times. You're in a rut. Get out of the rut. Just the two of you, not the 3 of you.

Also, very important, LEARN how to communicate in ways he can relate, understand, and receive. Non blaming, non threatening, non "fixing" ways.

Read books, see a marriage counselor, whatever it takes to learn about men and woman and how to communicate.

If you continue to live strictly off of feelings, you'll ruin your marriage, daughter, husband, and future. Change directions quickly and get back to the sparky, loving marriage you desire.

Make it work!

Answer 5

You state "I wanted a loving relationship, yet we now have a marriage of convenience."

It becomes convenient because it became mundane, ritalistic, or routine. One gave advice to date again, that is good, however when you are marriad that needs to be a connection that can be routed in Love. Love will run out and what do you do in those moments. You fall back on the things that connected you in the first place.

We initially fall in love because of the way someone treats you, what they do for you, emotionally connect, spiritually connect, and when those things are gone then you have to try to connect on another level, when you cannot do that they it will be hard to save your marriage.

Good Luck!
J. Fite

Answer 6

Did he used to show you love the way you wanted it shown, but then that suddenly stopped? Maybe there's something going on with him that he doesn't want to show it to you. Or maybe he doesn't know how much it means to you to have love shown to you that way.

Sometimes when we're in a long-time relationship, we forget that there were little things that made our significant other happy. If I were you, I would remind him in a way that is neither demeaning or naggin that you want him to show you love with more hugs. He might think (like some men do) that by going out and working, he's showing you love. he might think that working around the house for you is showing his love. So I wouldn't be so quick to jump on him for not showing his love for you. Clarify the ways in which he shows you love first. and if he says that he can't add that to the things he already does, then be willing to give something up. If he were to hug you instead of cleaning a toilet bowl, would you be happy?

Answer 7

When you first meet that special someone there is an unexplainable amount of excitment bursting within. It's like you can almost die from wanting them soooooo much. That is wonderful and unfortunately doesn't last.
Marriage takes work and alot of it. Are you giving your husband all that he needs to feel loved? You said you are in great shape and that is definitely one part of the puzzle, but do you also romance your man? make passionate love to him anytime he wants you? Cook him delicious meals each night? If you answered no to any of these questions.....well then you need to work on somethings too.
Have you ever heard the saying monkey see, monkey do? Well, if you are making him feel loved, appreciated, and admired, it is almost a 100% guarantee that he will do the same for you.
Why not instead of complaining about what your man doesn't do, praise him for what he does do and then show him how much you love him. We have to work to keep love alive and make our partners the MOST important thing in our lives or the relationship will suffer greatly.
Being good to your man will encourage him to romance you....he probably just needs a little push. This problem should be the easiest of all to remedy....just count yourself lucky that you aren't one of the many who write about how their spouse is cheating with someone else.
If your husband is a good man, love him and treat him like a king............he will reward you greatly for your services!!!! Good luck!!

Answer 8

Love isn't a feeling, it's a conscious decision you make every day.
Try treating him like a king - nothing else matters when he's around. Wait on him hand and foot, make his favorite foods. You get the idea. At first it'll feel odd, but then it'll come naturally. You see people are like mirrors, what you give is what you get. Once you start treating him in an over-the-top manner, he'll do the same for you.

Answer 9

You should see a marriage counselor together. In my non-medical opinion, it sounds like he may be depressed. Is there a history of it in his family? Depression can come on without even being detected and its nothing to mess with or let it keep getting worse.

Maybe if he isnt willing to see a counselor with you, you could talk to you doctor about how you feel and see how they guide you to resolve the problem.

Best of luck!! Make sure you give it all you've got so that if you absolutley have to leave down the road, you can always assure yourself that you didnt leave any stone unturned.

Answer 10

Is there anyway that you could get a babysitter and go on dates? It is wonderful to be boyfriend and girlfriend again. My husband and I try to get away from the kids at least once a week and go on a serious date at least once a month. We are very happy, have our bumps, but have been married 11 years.

Also, and more importantly, your marriage isn't all about you. It is all about we and what is best for our family. If you can't make that committment in your marriage with a man who isn't a bum, then I am sorry to say that you will continue to throw away all your marriages the rest of your life. Please choose to fight for your family and have a strong and safe place to fall when disaster comes into your life.

Answer 11

I suggest you go to counseling. Marriage counseling and individual counseling for yourself. You claim to have loved him when you got married. And now you say there isn't really anything wrong with the marriage.....just that he doesn't show you that he loves you.

Maybe you aren't looking deep enough. Since my divorce I have met a lot of women that regret leaving their husband because they thought the love was gone. Only to find out a few years later that it was there all along....they just weren't paying attention.
A good counselor can help you find out .