Advice from strong married couples!!?

Question

What advice would you give to someone who is in the dating scene? What to look for when one is dating?

I am currently dating two great guys, both with amazing qualities, but I don't think I am in love with either of them...#1 I have been with for almost 7 yrs. We have good conversation, but he treats me more like a friend now & there isn't much chemistry. He is very respectful & is always there for me, but he's a little boring. #2 I met about 6months ago. We get along great, have amazing conversation, he is more adventerous, but I am not 100% attracted to him all the time.
Many people have told me to look at who is more husband material, because in the long run, the butterflies & "love" fade & reality sets in.

Is this true? I am so confused right now. I don't even know what I need anymore or what I should be looking at for the long run!! Any advice???

Answer 1

From a stong married and strong "on" married...

Firstly, are you wanting to get married to have a husband, or are you wanting to get married because you want to be a wife?? If you are not concerned about this question, it won't matter who you marry. You will be dealing with "you", and won't be happy and satisfied period. Make sure you are ready to give YOURSELF for someone else and not just a selfish emotional rush.

Emotions, feelings and ephoria will indeed fade, but it doesn't necessary "have" to fade. People will make marriage what they want it to be.

You must look long term for sure. Look at who shares the most goals, vision, plans, perspectives and fits better. As well, who takes better "care" of you out of care and concern.

Being attracted will be up and down. You can be attracted to someone that is hurtful or does not take care of you.

Make sure they are husband material, and don't overlook if YOU are a fit for them! Make sure you are "wife" material.

Make it work!

Answer 2

The energetic, exciting, adrenaline rush you feel when you are first attracted to someone usually plays out within a two-month period. During that time, you each view the other as a perfect match. Everything is rosy, love conquers all and what you have is beyond what anyone else could have ever experienced.

After that point, you begin to see your relationship more clearly. You realize that the person has faults and you decide whether or not you can live with a person like that for the rest of your life or if there are any red flags that could cause you to end the romance.

If all is still well, you both kind of settle into that relationship, enjoying it but still learning more about the person, making a conscious choice to love and support that person and starting to actively work towards some long range goals.

It seems that you don't have this with either of these guys, so why limit yourself to just these two men?

I was very interested in Guy #1 (but not officially dating him) when Guy #2 (the man that would become my husband) first approached me. Eventually, Guy #2 won out, we currently have a very enriching and satisfying relationship. Here's how I knew Guy #2 should become my #1 guy.

Our goals were spiritually based and we wanted the same things out of life.
We shared virtually the same level of education and emotional maturity.
People whose opinion we valued and respected whole-heartedly supported our relationship.
We were physically attracted to each other.
We could make each other laugh.
We often shared the same viewpoints on a variety of subjects.
We shared the same sense of humor.
We had a mutual respect for each other's line of work.
We shared the same strong work ethic.
We worked well as a team.
Our high degree of compatibility was obvious to others.
We both felt lucky to have each other (and still do!).

Most importantly, we both had a deep inner peace that we believed was God's assurance that we would have a His blessing and a successful marriage. In other words, we just knew we were right for each other.

I think you know that you haven't yet found your Mr. Right. I hope my list helps you somewhat Good luck!

Answer 3

It's hard to give advice on such sensitive matters as "chemistry"; things like love and attraction are very subjective. For a short-term relationship, I'd go for butterflies and fireworks and amazing chemistry; but for marriage, I looked for reliability, stability, loyalty. Maybe it's possible to combine reliability and fireworks in the same relationship - I don't know. I personally am comfortable keeping them separate. I have not been able to sustain the initial level of excitement long-term, so I didn't look at "excitement" when evaluating a long-term potential of a relationship. I get a lot of enjoyment out of my marriage; we do things together, there's a bond that I don't share with anyone else (not even with my parents or siblings). It does feel like we are each other's best friends, but I don't see it as a bad thing. Sometimes I miss the passion I had experienced with other people in the past - but at the same time, I realize that the effects of this passion are necessarily short-lived, and there are more important things to look for in a long-term relationship. I liken it to being intoxicated - I like to drink every once in a while, but I'm not looking to be in a drunken state all the time. If I could never drink again, I'd miss it sometimes, but it wouldn't cause me any major problem, there are lots of other things I enjoy more than drinking. However, if drinking (or passion) is a very important part of one's reality, one needs to take it into consideration when choosing a partner.

Answer 4

First, you need to stop dating more than one man at a time. That's such a bad idea and you could really hurt someone emotionally.

Second, you need to understand that a good man will always make you feel good about yourself and loved. No, the "butterflies" don't always happen once your married, but the love doesn't fade if you're with the right man. Yes, you argue, you fight and you disagree. That's the reality of being married. You both can't always agree on everything, that's life.

You have to find someone you love, and no one can tell you how to do that. You have to put yourself out there and be ready to be loved and understand that everything isn't always going to be butterflies and roses once you settle down. Life is never easy, but if you love eachother you can always depend on one another to be there. That's what love is. Always being there for one another and being honest and loving. If you don't have that then you need to keep looking for it and get rid of both of your guys. Love will find you when it's ready.

Answer 5

is it possible that you are mistaking that loss of chemistry for that "settled down" feeling? a marriage that lasts does so BECAUSE you are friends. my husband and i are best friends. there isn't always that "butterfly" excitemnet because we are so comfortable with each other. if you aren't feeling like you would suffer a great loss if you left guy #1 (seeing that you are dating two now) then maybe he's not the right one. only you can know what's in your heart

edit- i do have to add though, if guy #1 were on here saying he found out you were cheating after 7 years and was hurt and didn't know what to do, most people would tell him to dump you. i, personally, think he would need to try and figure out what you were going through and get a promise to never cheat again, but if you aren't sure you can commit, it's really unfair to him and he deserves to know

Answer 6

It sounds to me like you're not ready to settle down at all. It's not a matter of looking for something or someone you "need" when dating, but rather enjoying each other's company in the moment, in whatever way is right. Perhaps through the process of meeting and interacting with people, a life-long relationship and connection will happen, perhaps not.

My advice is to connect with yourself - do the things that make you happy and from which you find fulfillment. By being true to yourself, you'll attract the things and people that you need in your life.

Answer 7

well,,i say,,if you want a happy marriage,,your gonna have to wait it out for someone who is husband material and gives you butterflies,,someone who your attracted to,,you feel comfortable being your true self around,,amazing conversation,,in the long run..the love doesn't fade it grows stronger,,and in the hard times,,the chemistry between two people keeps um together,,i say what's the rush,,take your time,,it'll be worth it,,when you find the right person,,

Answer 8

First of all you must pick one and stick with one if neither of these guy''s do it for you maybe it is time to cut them both loose and find a new man. really dating for seven years since most couple get married within the first five you seem confused and messed up. It's time to come to a decision in life. Generally it's pathetic you are acting like someone that thinks life is easy.

Answer 9

i can only tell you about my personal experience. My husband and i have been together for 5 years and we still both feel as many "butterflys" as we did when we first got together. He treats me like a queen, respects me and goes out of his way to make me happy and i do the same for him. That's how marriage should be.. However--we didn't get togher until i was 36 so definately--don't be in a hurry.

Answer 10

Been married 31 a million/2 years. to maintain your marriage stable and healthful be sure which you communicate to one yet another. this is ok to get mad at one yet another yet be beneficial to tell the different your reasons for being mad. do not save stuff locked up, and don't misinform one yet another. Marriage is amazingly annoying and you will possibly be able to desire to artwork at it daily. there's an excellent style of supply and soak up marriage. appreciate one yet another and hear one yet another. i did not have been given into my marriage with the concept that nicely if it would not artwork out i'm able to break up like quite some folk do at present. quite some annoying artwork will make your marriage stable and durable.