lines that make you smile?

Question

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he

was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the- room-spinning

medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many. (This is my personal

favorite and one I have often used!)

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand

times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for

a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on

Answer 1

Now those are funny! Thanks for sharing.

Answer 2

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

SAME as below - I love the Jumping Jack Flash sequence and then also when Whoopie gets her dress caught in the shredder.

Answer 3

Whoopi Goldberg in Jumpin' Jack Flash, trying to decipher Mick Jagger singing the title song, having to run the tape back repeatedly: "Mick! Mick! Speak English!"

Steven Wright, comedian: "All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."

The late comedian Sam Kennison: "Why do we send those drought-ridden African nations wheat? Crops don't grow in a desert! What those people need are U-Hauls and boxes!"

Comedienne Elayne Boosler: "For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton."

Answer 4

I loved those, some terrific lines there. LOL
Like # 27, I always said life needs background music, that would be great.

Answer 5

You look like alot of smiles

Answer 6

you do a lot of fishin with Cufucious and Carmac the Magnificent do you ? -- these are reusable until they're threadbare (yuk)

Answer 7

There are many in here that I will be using in the future.

Thanks so much.

Answer 8

Chuckles!!!! I still own one of those original point and clicks!

Answer 9

As always you are in rare form today. love it.

Answer 10

grinnin' and chucklin'!