I realize the world has their own problems that are greater than this but I need to get other perspectives. I've been married a few years--my mate has never been able to keep a job. He chooses labor jobs where he won't have to drug test. He smokes pot--since the age of 16 or so. We are in our mid 30's. I've worked at the same job for 10 yrs and don't party. He's depressed over being unemployed but doesn't look hard for a job--he had a few job offers but failed their drug tests. So he's mad at the companies. He won't clean up much or cook--and I don't know how to help him because he's too preoccupied with his habit. Getting pot, smoking it, running out--when he's sober he's very rude and thoughtless and I hate being around him. He also has taken to getting into my pain meds and sedatives--I'm legitimately ill but I think it's really me falling apart after years of this life. I'm loyal but need to look out for myself and my child. How do I extricate myself without hurting him? or help?
2007-11-14 05:35:46 · 14 answers · asked by javagirl 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has a prescription to smoke so he thinks it's fine and dandy and should be able to get any job. He plans to sue the ones who deny him a job. If I don't support his logic, he gets mad and acts like I'm a traitor. I'm simply seeing it for what it is. He's rationalizing and won't take the blame for any of the consequences.
2007-11-14 06:02:20 · update #1
R U KIDDING ME. RUN AND RUN FAST. do u realize u risk everything, your child, your job your home, your reputation, for a addict. U CANT HELP HIM, that is a job for professionals, and when he is sober he is an even bigger a==hole. the person u need to be loyal to is your child and yourself, how are u going to explain to your child if your home gets raided, or why he or she is in foster care, u are not being loyal to your child, you are putting that child at risk, u cant talk to people like this cause u r not talking to the person u r talking to the drug GET THIS MAN OUT OF YOUR HOME LIKE YESTERDAY, and they will do or say anything to get what they want, i cant stress this strongly enough that your child is NOT SAFE ALONE WITH THIS MAN, this is not being loyal this is crazy, u cant change him even with professional help the chances r pretty poor get your head out of your butt and protect your child and yourself
2007-11-14 06:00:56 · answer #1 · answered by Dale T 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your overly concern on not wanting to hurt him is typical of the type of woman these guys find. You are an enabler and have been so and this is why he has not incentive to change. You must get out of the mind frame that you are responsible for what he does. You have a child now and he is not behaving like a responsible father and husband. He has taken advantage of you and your child is paying the price of being cheated out of a good father who provides for her/him and is sober for her/him. Your main responsibility is to your child and right now you are teaching her that to be with men like her dad who do not work and smoke pot are to be pitied and put up with. This is a poor example you are setting for your child. And also, by remaining with him you are having your child live in a very dangerous home environment. Time to step up and be the mature one, your husband sure isn't..
2007-11-14 14:01:11 · answer #2 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop funding him, meaning do not pay for tv, phone all that good stuff that keeps him home and unemployed. Give him an ultimatum to either find a job and be a role model to your child or move out. You can not sacrifice your health, your child's welfare and upbring to be around him. What happens if there is a police raid and your child is there, that would traumatize the kid. If he doesn't want to move out call the cops. You can not help him without hurting him, he is a grown man who chooses not to grow up, so there is not much you can do but think about you and your child, cuz he is not thinking about either of you. Be a hero for your child and yourself and get rid of the bum,
2007-11-14 13:58:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Being an enabler is not good for you. Smoking Pot..as innocent as some make it out to be..is still a drug.
If he doesn't work, than where does he get the money from to buy it.
Did you know, if he gets caught or your neighbors smell it and call the police, you will be in as much trouble as he is.
Maybe he needs a wake up call...adn you didnt mention children, if you have them, think of them....and what they are inhaling...and think of yourself..
Do you love yourself...? If you answer yes, than the right decision will come. Mid 30's....try and project to see where the two of you will be in your mid 40's....scary huh???
Take care suga.
2007-11-14 13:43:00 · answer #4 · answered by Shalla V 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has been hurting you for over a decade and shows no
signs of stopping this habit or finding a decent job.
Who cares if he get's hurt you have put up with his crap long enough time to end this for yourself and your son. Really what kind of life is it for you to live with someone that is commiting a crime has illegal substances in your home around your son. Then when he doesn't have it treats you like
crap. Move on find a non substance abusing guy and carry on with your life also go for full custody of your son with no visitation really do you want your son around a pot head.
2007-11-14 13:57:00 · answer #5 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what you have said, it sounds like you should definatley leave. It is really hard to help someone that doesn't want to be helped. If he does not see there is a problem with his actions then he likely will not change them. Maybe the best thing for him would be you leaving. That may be the only way to get through to him. If he loves you enough he will change his behavior to keep you in his life. If he isn't willing to make adjustments for his family you should move on.
2007-11-14 13:48:23 · answer #6 · answered by MommyB 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry about hurting him. Get yourself out of there. Move in with a friend of relative. Consult a lawyer and file for divorce. If you don't have a place to go there are halfway houses and stuff to give you a place to be while you get things taken care of. Don't spend a minute more there than you have to and don't get back with him until he gets into some serious rehab.
2007-11-14 14:01:14 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your main concern should be the safety and well being of your child and yourself. Please leave him - obviously the drugs (including the pot) are more important to him than you and his child. Pack what you can and either go a women's shelter or to family. Do not enable him further. Seek out a NA support group.
Best wishes!
2007-11-14 13:46:30 · answer #8 · answered by wild_orchid_tx36 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you tried marriage counseling? It seems like he had these problems before you got married. Since you decided to marry him away, you need to see if there is any possibility to make it work. Once you tried everything, then your decision to stay or get a divorce will be obvious.
2007-11-14 13:45:28 · answer #9 · answered by Peace 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave. I don't know how you could stay with a loser like this? It would be different if he wanted to change, but it seems like he's enjoying the free ride here. It's pathetic that his primary goal in life is to get high.
2007-11-14 23:42:29 · answer #10 · answered by Sondra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋