I dont love my wife?

Question

i am really not in love with my wife anymore. She is very selfish and overall we have nothing in common. Now I will not divorce her so please dont give me that answer. We have a baby due very soon and I will not divorce her and have him living in 2 houses. I will not cheat on her regardless as to what my feelings are. I am looking for advice on how i can make this work and at least make it work for my son

No not when she began to gain weight, actually she looks beautiful pregnant or not. It really has to do with my daughter(her stepdaughters) relationship and having nothing in common. There are other things to but nothing important

Answer 1

Since you have made the choice to 1. Not divorce and 2. Not cheat (which I commend, BTW), you have 2 other options. They are 1. Be married and miserable or 2. Be married and happy. The choice is yours.

You say you aren't in love with her, and that could be true. But something drew you to her. Has she changed that much? Has your perceptions maybe changed? Maybe she senses you dont love or respect her. She may be immature, but that doesnt always make her a bad person.

I dont have alot of info on her but I'd suggest counseling. Spend quality time together....try to take focus off of what you dont like, what irritates you or how she is wrong. Focus on what she DOES have to offer. she's going to be the mother of your child. The best gift you can give your new son or daughter is loving their parent. Pray about it, pour your heart to her, tell her you dont want to be in a loveless marriage.

I too, felt I fell "out of love" with my husband. Through prayer, talking and seeing a counselor, I've allowed myself to stop seeing only his flaws, and realized how much good he has. I fell in love with him again...and our children are happy because of it. I wish you all the best.

Answer 2

You just jinxed yourself:

1. Now I will not divorce her so please dont give me that answer <
2. We have a baby due very soon and I will not divorce her and have him living in 2 houses <<< you will ..

3. I will not cheat on her regardless as to what my feelings are <<< you will ..

Whenever in life you say I WON'T do this or that .. Karma has a way of making it happen .. so watch the "I WON'T EVER"'s ..

I would not go the route of staying or working things out for your son/daughter, as you have them 18 yrs and then it's back to you and your wife .. so this is really about your relationship .. IF you make your relationship work, then it will be blissful for the children .. least that's the goal ..

You need to do some serious soul searching .. what's your part in this?! How do you know your wife doesn't feel the same?! Either way communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate and did I say communicate?! lol

Good Luck!

Answer 3

Being "in love" and "loving" are two different things, sir.

Forget about the emotions of being in love. You LOVE your wife. It's a choice and not a matter of feelings and emotions.

Only YOU can love or not love. If you are married, it is your responsibility and privilege to love your wife the way she needs to be loved, not the way YOU need to be loved.

Don't make this work for your son, make it work for your marriage and wife. Your son will see that and be positively affected inside because of that. For your "son's sake" get your relationship back on track. Your "love" will teach your son, or your "lack of real love" will also teach your son.

You must do the things that give momentum to the feelings of love with your wife. Ask yourself...
1. What were the things that brought you two together in the first place?
2. How many times do you take your wife out, JUST YOU TWO, and have fun?
3. When was the last time you met her needs the way she needed them to be met?
4. When have you communicated that you are lacking some things in your relationship.

It's really very simple. When the feelings of love are lacking, it's only a matter of the loss of actions that create those feelings. So get into action. Do the things that ignite those feelings again. The feelings does not AUTOMATICALLY come. You have to work at it. The both of you.

And, if all else fails, see a marriage counselor to help the both of you and give you tools to use.

Make it work!

Answer 4

If you say you have nothing in common now, did you EVER have anything in common? When you got married there had to be something that attracted you to her. Was it just lust?

If it WAS lust and only lust, then it's going to be difficult to still live with her (I mean, even in separate houses) because there's no basis there for a relationship. You'll just have to work harder to make it work.

I would do the best you can to deal with her personality. You guys may not have much in common, but you will when your child is born. Focus on him/her as much as possible. Go with her to Dr's visits and go with her to pick out baby clothes. Try to find something that you two have in common.

If you're living in separate houses, how far apart are you in distance? Will you be able to see your child often enough?

I hope that you're able to find some middle ground with your wife. Sometimes just because we don't have those overpowering feelings of "love" like we did when we first met, we think we no longer love the other person. This might not be the case. Maybe you still love her you're just not in lust with her anymore. :-)

Answer 5

You really sound like a great guy who just wants to do the right thing, but you don't have to stay with her just because you have a child with her. When you son is about 5, even though he won't understand everything he will still pick up on both of your feelings. Sometimes it is better for the parents not to be together. If you really want to try to save your marriage, you have to try to save it because you actually want to be with her not just because of the baby or it will never work. You need to sit her down and talk to her and see if she feels the same way that you do. Also, she might not realize that she is really selfish. Tell her (nicely) that you think that she is selfish and it turns you off.Be honest with her. AS far as trying to put that spark back into your marriage, try to re-live some of the moments that you had with her that were special to the both of you. You could also try getting involved in each others hobbies. Maybe she might enjoy some of the things that you are into and you might enjoy some of the things she is into. My husband and I enjoy very different things but we do give each others hobbies a chance and we have found things that we both like. You defiantly need marriage counseling. Now about you daughter and the way that she and your wife get along, you need to sit them both down and figure out what is going on before you automatically blame your wife for them not getting along.

Answer 6

Children are no reason to stay with someone. At the very least you should be telling her how you feel. Probably after the baby is born so that it doesn't put the baby in danger. My father recently sprung on my mother that he has never been in love with her and only married her because of my brother. It hurts someone way worse to find out that you don't love them after 25 years than it would to find out after only a few. It also hurts to see your parents get a divorce after you have seen them together for 22 years. All the memories you have as a family make it hard to look to the future as a broken family.

Answer 7

Well my friend you married her you must have seen something in her to marry her.Look you say you don't love her how can you just stop loving her.You said she was selfish and overall you have nothing in common. Was she this way when you married?You never said she was playing around behind you back.So how can you say you don't love her.Dude you need to work on the problem and bring out your feeling about her selfishness.And nothing in common don't make me laugh you must have had something in common you once loved her that's something in common.There is to much divorce and breakup now in this world.Now your being selfish by thinking your marriage is all based on you and what you do.Stop acting this way and work to keep the love you once had a live.

Answer 8

1st if you have a baby on the way her being selfish is about to stop. And are you sure you don't have anything in common? You have to try to find a common ground find something neither one of you have tried read or did. Start to get to know each other all over again re date, talk to each other about non important things find out what it was that got you together in the 1st place.Marriage can make you change but you still have to remember why and what made you say I do.

Answer 9

I have seen people fall in and out of love with their others. Seek a counsel in your area, seriously it will help. Don't become a statistic and get divorced because it's the kids that hurt the most over it. Stay together for the baby. It's worth it. Just take things slow and try changing things up a little bit

Answer 10

I can tell most of those who tell you to go to "counseling" are women. Since I've more than been there and done it - from a guys perspective - I've never seen it work.

How is your wife dealing with this - I'm sure its obvious to her that you no longer love her, have you spoken to her about your feelings?

Since I was in your situation (with a new baby etc.), I highly advise against keeping this relationship going "for the child's benefit". Because the only thing that'll do is make all three of you miserable and resentful. It's not really health for the child - he/she will catch on quickly that Daddy doesn't love Mommy and vice versa.

Be a man take responsibility for your child - spend as much time and be as involved with him/her as you can. But, if you're really miserable now - it'll be compounded when the baby arrives. And you'll be leaving your child with a miserable childhood.