How do you stay married when trust is gone?

Question

My husband of 5 years has repeatedly kept secrets and has lied to me, and some HUGE ones came out in the past few weeks. I don't want to lose him because I love him and we have two small children, but how do we function when I don't trust him and I don't respect him? He's not the same person I married, but I don't want to give up on him, and he says he is willing to do anything to keep our family together.

Answer 1

depends on how big and bad the secrets are. if it is cheating then i couldn't deal w/it. if he is willing to work on it then i say work w/him get counseling.

Answer 2

I would suggest having a HUGE talk about what BOTH of you are keeping from each other. If that doesn't work, try counseling. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship or Marriage. No trust, nothing else matters. I'm in the same situation like you right now except I have no kids or a wife, just a gf. Good luck

Answer 3

You need to rebuild trust or you won't be able to stay together. Counselling may help, but he also has to show you he's changed his behaviour and attitude. On your part, you have to be willing to give him a chance to prove he can change.

Are you confident all the secrets are out now? Have the two of you agreed what you'll do in future about openness between you?

Do consider counselling, it can be very hard to rebuild all on your own. You wouldn't try and rebuild your home without some sort of professional guidance, so consider it for your marriage.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Divorce is a truly hideous thing. I really hate to say this, but you already answered your question. A marriage CAN'T last if there isn't respect and trust. If his actions have destroyed trust and respect, the marriage is over, even though the legal fiction still exists. I wish I could offer hope. All I can advise is to wait, just a SHORT time. If your feeling don't change SOON, file for divorce. Some things simply can't be fixed.

Answer 5

Seek counseling if u can or pray about the situation. Trust and communication is a very important in a relationship and to be honest without it u have nothing. The bible says that the only way u can separate from ur husband is if he commits adultery or he dies. I know its hard when u have children, but either way it goes ur children is going to feel the impact whether you are together or not.

Answer 6

If he was worried about keeping his family together, then he should have worked harder to make sure that's what happened. But none the less, if you are willing to stay married, then the BOTH of you need counseling. That is the only TRUE was to gain someones trust and respect back. (Basically make an effort to stay together) and if he refuses counseling, bring on the divorce papers!

Answer 7

I kept trying, and in retrospect did a lot wrong, but did a lot right too. Now I'm left feeling worthless, humiliated, foolish, the list goes on... And I know I'm better than this. I should have gotten out a long time ago. I found out I should not have given up on the trust issue. For me this was a disaster.
I guess you have to figure out if you can live with yourself. Is the result of the lack of trust something that is an issue for you that will cause you to feel unhappy with yourself? Can you separate this lack with your view of yourself? Can you trust your husband with your problems, faults, hurts, needs, your heart? Should you? Can you live in a meaningless relationship?

Answer 8

Well, I have to say if he cheated I'm going to tell you I would never forgive that.
If he didn't cheat you are both off to a good start of a new beginning since you BOTH want to stay in the marriage. The two of you should get together (no kids) outside of the house restaurant, park...) and really talk! Tell him WHY you can't trust him and that he has to earn your trust back. Then if he does, you are the one that has to let go of the past! If you're going to make him pay for his mistakes for the rest of your (and his) life, YOU are the one that's going to be hurting.
So good luck to you!!! And please don't stay in the marriage "for the kids", you'd be waisting your life!

Answer 9

This is a hard one. Trust is such a delicate thing that once it's broken, it's sometimes nearly impossible to gain it back. It's his job to earn your trust back. It's your job to let him try, if you still want to be in the relationship. This will take time, patience, and although I hate to throw the counseling thing out there...might not be a bad idea. It will give you a chance to vent your frustrations, and him a chance to defend himself, if anything he did can be at all justified. Good for you for not heading straight to the attorney's office to file for divorce! I think if you guys can work through this, you may just be stronger in your marriage than you ever were before. I'm happy for you that he wants to work it out too and is willing to do anything to make that happen. Keep us posted!

Answer 10

You start rebuilding it!

That is what marriage is about - for better and for worse... well you hit a bad spot in your marriage - now you need to take action in getting better! Seek marriage counseling to work on the lying thing and get back on track! Maybe he needs to learn that a marriage is team work and he can't lie - counseling will help with that as it is not just you telling him that!

You guys can get through this - if you both want and try and work hard at it!

Answer 11

Honestly I don't see it working if you have no trust in him and don't respect him. You're just gonna stress yourself if you stay with him. You shouldn't stay with him because of the children they can sense when something is wrong. You shouldn't put yourself or your children through the pain and tension that will be in your household. At first they'll be confused but they'll be happier if the see you guys happy and apart than together and miserable. Good Luck!